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Not much I can add, except I heard something the other day that resonated with me. "You shouldn't fall in love", but you should stand squarely on your own two feet and meet your partner from a secure, well thought out place.
It sounds as if your BF is doing that. I don't know whether or not you will wind up together, but it seems like you have work to do first.
I moved to this city to start graduate school 3 years ago. I met my boyfriend at school 2 years ago and we've been dating for about 1.5 years. He's 2 years younger than me and I'm 25 now. About 2 months ago I moved in with him, and he pays most of the bills for us. He says he loves me, and I know he cares about me.
Right now he is considering moving to another city for a job. I talked about marriage with him, he said he wants career and success first, and will consider marriage whenever he has achievement and money. He made it clear that he won't want to get married before he's 30, that he won't set a time line for marriage, and he asks me for more patience.
I mean, my family is putting a lot of pressure on me (they don't care whom I get married to, they just want me to be married soon after I get out of school). I really want to have a family and kids in the next 3-5 years.
I don't know why I'm getting anxious about my bf's statements - the fact that he says he's not in a rush for marriage just freaks me out. What happens if I keep waiting for him, and when I'm getting older and older, he's just not ready to even consider marriage?
Should I leave the relationship since we are going to be apart anyway? Or should I stay and just wait for him indefinitely?
Don't fault your boyfriend in this matter. He didn't change. He didn't say maybe ... Your bf said, 3-5 years.
Are you really pressuring a 23 year old into marriage. At this point, no he's not sure on marriage. He may not know until 30.
It's time to do some soul seacher on your relationship. It's not him, it's you. Why wait for anyone indefinitely? Is he the only guy out there for you?
Come on everyone! Please don't pretend this doesn't happen in most families. Parents pressure their children into marriage and children all the time. When are you getting married. When are you having kids.
When, I married, my family and friends said, hey you guys have been married a year. What's up with the children. When are you ...
This scernario is common.
Last edited by Childfree35; 11-01-2010 at 09:25 AM..
I think you should be grateful your boyfriend is being open and honest about his feelings. Many men feel coerced into marriage and that is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. People should marry ( or enter into long term committed relationships when BOTH parties are fully consenting).
Pressure should never enter into the concept of Marriage be it from one of the partners in the equation or parents for that matter. It is YOUR life not your parents' you are leading and if they are silly enough to expect you to get married just to anyone to satisfy some ludicrous sense of social belonging then quite frankly I think you have bigger problems then your boyfriend deciding marriage is not for him...
I think the first thing would be to ask yourself why it is so important to get married that you feel you have to give yourself a time limit such as five years. What is this magical number ? Surely marriage is about settling down to a lifetime's happiness with the right person whether you meet them at 20, 40 or 70. Age should really have nothing to do with it . As for kids of course time starts running out after a little while as a woman but I think at 25 you certainly still have a lot of time left for that.
Relationships are not about "supposed to". There is no right and wrong. If you love your boyfriend then I am not sure his candid declaration should bother you that much. Does he love you ? Does he treat you well ? Do you have fun together ? Is your relationship otherwise a good, healthy and balanced one ? Does he respect you ? All those to me are far more important than a piece of paper.
Maybe you genuinely are at different crossroads in your life now and he is maybe a little behind you but maybe your expectations about love and relationships are also a little skewed.
Marriage is about the person and the relationship to each other, not an abstract concept one can try to define by socio-cultural expectations. If you genuinely think your boyfriend is not "the one" then by all means you must go but if you believe he is and all that stand in your way is his refual to commit to marriage then I think perhaps you are being a little hasty.
What is this obsession so many women have with marriage ? I simply do not get it. I was with my now husband for 22 years before we got married. Happily , stable and for all intents and purposes married without that little piece of paper . Being married has made no difference to how we view each other.
Your boyfriend unlike many men has been honest and open and that should be cherished IMO, many men lie and prefer to go along with the flow, get married to please their partner and divorce often is the result of those pressures.
Be open to him and talk to him, maybe trying to figure out why it is so important for you to put a time limit on things. If you have a good relationships talking openly should be easy and maybe you need to communicate your desires and goals to each other in a way which the other can relate to. Talk to him and whatever you do do not pressure him . Marriage has to be entered into with both eyes wide open .
I think in many ways he show maturity by being willing to go against the flow. Anyone can get married. Staying married and happily so though takes a lot more work.
The issue seems to be the focus you seem to put on marriage. Is it because you want to get married or because you have been told all your life this is the only valid form of relationship ? Have your family and environment shaped your vision of relationships vis a vis marriage ?
To be honest, our relationship has never been stable. He uses break up as threats almost EVERYDAY sometimes, especially after I moved in with him. I am willing to explain my concerns and talk with him if he can listen, but you can't imagine how hard it is just to hold this conversation with him. He talks a lot, almost about everything, but when it comes down to serious stuff like this, he always says "I'm tired, I need to sleep", "I'm busy right now, we can talk later" etc etc.
I don't deny we have had wonderful days together - I really enjoy being with him when we don't argue and when everything is good. But the problem is we argue a lot. I always get offended when he makes comments about other women, and he said he can't be with someone who can't even hold a conversation - I mean, come on, women is the only thing we can talk about?!
After reading all the posts, I have to tell myself it is not a stable and happy relationship that worth working on for another couple of years. If we are having problems 50% of the time and have good times together the other 50% of the time, I guess it's just not a healthy relationship is it?
Come on everyone! Please don't pretend this doesn't happen in most families. Parents pressure their children into marriage and children all the time. When are you getting married. When are you having kids.
When, I married, my family and friends said, hey you guys have been married a year. What's up with the children. When are you ...
This scernario is common.
Of course it's common, but it does not make it right , nor does it make desirable to give in to parents' expectations. At the end of the day becoming an adult ( which one should be long before 25) is to be able to reject one's family's unwanted pressures. Standing up to them is what takes us into adulthood and maturity.
Had I followed my Father's wishes I would now be married to a guy I did not love , who did not love me and I would be a highly paid very miserable lawyer or surgeon. Sorry but Daddy had to learn it was my life not his. He couldn't take the rejection but that was his problem not mine. Parents cannot live their lives vicariously through others.
Parents do not know best. Not always. One has to balance the desire to please one's parents and the need to become independent and make decisions based on one's true feelings than one's parental expectations. Pushing someone into marriage who is not ready for it is criminal regardless of the motives.
Coercion ( ie parental pressure) and socio-cultural expectations are responsible for the majority of divorces IMO by bringing together wholly unsuited people simply because one is "supposed to " be married by such and such a time or having kids etc... It is ridiculous .
To be honest, our relationship has never been stable. He uses break up as threats almost EVERYDAY sometimes, especially after I moved in with him. I am willing to explain my concerns and talk with him if he can listen, but you can't imagine how hard it is just to hold this conversation with him. He talks a lot, almost about everything, but when it comes down to serious stuff like this, he always says "I'm tired, I need to sleep", "I'm busy right now, we can talk later" etc etc.
I don't deny we have had wonderful days together - I really enjoy being with him when we don't argue and when everything is good. But the problem is we argue a lot. I always get offended when he makes comments about other women, and he said he can't be with someone who can't even hold a conversation - I mean, come on, women is the only thing we can talk about?!
After reading all the posts, I have to tell myself it is not a stable and happy relationship that worth working on for another couple of years. If we are having problems 50% of the time and have good times together the other 50% of the time, I guess it's just not a healthy relationship is it?
I have to say,no it doesn't sound as though he is the "one". He should make you happy a lot more than unhappy. Percentages are not helpful but 50/50 is not good enough.
You deserve to be happy and if you are not then you owe it to yourself to find someone who will be there for you the way you need. You are still so young , I am quite sure you have a lot going for you and meeting the right person will happen eventually. Just don't pressure yourself with timelines and "sell by dates", there is plenty of time for you to settle down and have a family.
Enjoy your life, have fun, have adventures, laugh a lot, travel, just explore this world and when you expect it the least something wonderful will happen to you.
I would thank him for his honesty and maybe simply tell him exactly how you feel in a non confrontational, non blaming sort of way, if he loves you he will want to hold on to you even if he doesn't want to marry. If he doesn't I think you will know. I suspect you already do though.
All the best, Love is not easy neither are relationships but unless they do bring more joy than pain then it is not worth bothering . Love is supposed to be fun and joyful.
I moved to this city to start graduate school 3 years ago. I met my boyfriend at school 2 years ago and we've been dating for about 1.5 years. He's 2 years younger than me and I'm 25 now. About 2 months ago I moved in with him, and he pays most of the bills for us. He says he loves me, and I know he cares about me.
Right now he is considering moving to another city for a job. I talked about marriage with him, he said he wants career and success first, and will consider marriage whenever he has achievement and money. He made it clear that he won't want to get married before he's 30, that he won't set a time line for marriage, and he asks me for more patience.
Contradiction...he did set a timeline. You aren't paying attention to what you are saying, much less what he is saying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ami*imA
I mean, my family is putting a lot of pressure on me (they don't care whom I get married to, they just want me to be married soon after I get out of school). I really want to have a family and kids in the next 3-5 years.
I don't know why I'm getting anxious about my bf's statements - the fact that he says he's not in a rush for marriage just freaks me out. What happens if I keep waiting for him, and when I'm getting older and older, he's just not ready to even consider marriage?
Should I leave the relationship since we are going to be apart anyway? Or should I stay and just wait for him indefinitely?
I think it's sad that your family believes the state of marriage is more important than the person to whom you are married...and worse that you appear to believe it as well.
If he is smart, he won't voluntarily become a member of your family.
Also, you didn't even hint at your feelings for him. You have objectified him...he's just an object to be used to get your family off your back.
Of course it's common, but it does not make it right , nor does it make desirable to give in to parents' expectations. .
Wow! I didn't say it was right. I didn't say, give into your parents.
I would have a kid, if I did. Hence, the name.
Most parents want to become grandparents. Most
Most parents want their children to marry. Most.
Some children grow into their parents. The same topics you disagreed on with your parents, you may very well disagree with your kid. Hence, asking the dreaded marriage/baby questions.
To be honest, our relationship has never been stable. He uses break up as threats almost EVERYDAY sometimes, especially after I moved in with him. I am willing to explain my concerns and talk with him if he can listen, but you can't imagine how hard it is just to hold this conversation with him. He talks a lot, almost about everything, but when it comes down to serious stuff like this, he always says "I'm tired, I need to sleep", "I'm busy right now, we can talk later" etc etc.
He treats you like crap, because you allow it. He knows you aren't going anyway, because he's footing the bill.
Is he paying most of the bills, because he wants?
Is he paying most of the bills, because you can't afford?
I try to stay away from telling people to leave their mates. Ask yourself, why are you with a person, who treats you in such a manner.
Ask yourself why are you with him. Please don't say, because I love him. What other qualities does your boyfriend have?
Sorry, if he's considering leaving you physically to pursue his career in another location entirely, he's just not that into you.
Good for him. Not only is 23 too young to get married (in my humble opinion), but it wouldn't be a good idea for him to marry you. Your whole post is about what he can do for you, the pressure your family puts on you, your own timeline, what you want, and when you want it. There is nothing in your post about your love for him, how you feel he is the right person for you, how fantastically you get along, what kind of father you think he'd be, and how you want to spend the rest of your life with him because he's just that amazing. It's all about you, which is not what marriage is.
Oh, and if you're still answering to your family and letting them make you feel pressure, you're not ready for marriage, anyway.
Blunt, but it is what it is.
Agree 100 percent.
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