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MattieJo, you seem to feel guilty about putting your foot down. You stop that right now. The woman is a nut, and you have been more than patient with her.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
I think your real problem is with this sense of guilt within you that is triggered so easily. You mentioned feeling guilty about 8 times in your post. Get some help to try and figure out what you REALLY feel guilt about. Are you the sort of person who doesn't like herself very much so tries to please and appease everyone else?
As for the manipulator, the answer is simple. Just say No and shut down the conversation. One word. NO.
I have told her no over and over to her face. Yes, she is getting her emails; she even admitted to getting one. I am not 70 lbs. almost 70 years of age. she works through using guilt, and I am easy on guilt, but I am trying my best to not feel guilt and not feel sorry for her not having anyone to work with. I never dealt with anyone like her in my life. Yes, I should know better, and I should not let her manipulate me. What she did this last time when I told her I couldn't lift anything is asked me if I wanted to go to a nursery with her, and I said yes, and then she said, I want to get some grass bags, but you don't need to help me, and then she gets out of the truck and begins lifting heavy bags, and I feel bad for her. Guilt. I was raised on guilt and was told to be helpful to others. I have not helped her since she browbeated me back at the end of sept, but she keeps stopping by with plants and refuses to listen to me when i said i don't want to be her friend.
I believe I like myself very much. Zen, you are so right. I didn't know I mentioned "guilt" that much. I don't normally try to please other people, which is why I have gotten friends out of my life when they were harmful. I have quit groups when they are verbally abusive towards me or others or harmful in other ways, and this includes a lot of groups. I basically felt sorry for her having no one to help her, and she knew how to get me to feel guilty whenever I quit helping her by making me feel sorry for her, which is all to easy to do. I don't like hurting people, but I had decided after her verbal abuse that I had to take care of myself, and I should have been thinking about taking care of my body, but I like to think of myself as also physically strong. I never felt guilty by saying no, but then I get pulled in when I see her having no help. I think that is what it really is, and now I feel she will never leave me alone. I am going to get caller ID today and also block, depending on the price.
P.S. I called at&t and they gave me call blocking for $6 a month. Now all i will have to do is run when i see her. See my DH thinks I should just stand up to her, which I have done, but which doesn't work with her or me since i have given in at times.
P.P.S. it doesn't block cell phones. so i got that instead.
Last edited by Mattie Jo; 11-05-2010 at 08:35 AM..
I'm sure it's been mentioned (didn't read all of the responses) but the best plan of action in a case where someone just will not leave you alone is to ignore them. Don't answer the calls, don't respond to emails, nothing. It might take awhile but people DO eventually grow tired of trying. I have an ex b/f who literally called me 30 - 40 times a day when I broke up with him. He texted me, he emailed me and when he emailed it was like we never broke up, he'd ask how I was, what were my plans for the day, go on to tell me about his day LOL I mean crazy!!!
I ignored, changed my number, etc.. etc.. after about six months of this behavior and him being NON stop in emailing, he finally just stopped! You have to stick to it, you can't give into guilt. If you don't want to be friends with someone it's YOUR choice, not theirs.
wow andeaspercheron! hard to believe that someone is that persistent as your ex boyfriend. i feel for what you went through. i shut off our answering machine today. a person should not have to go through all this to get rid of someone. my next plan of action would be to call her minister, but i am hoping i won't have to do anything.
wow andeaspercheron! hard to believe that someone is that persistent as your ex boyfriend. i feel for what you went through. i shut off our answering machine today. a person should not have to go through all this to get rid of someone. my next plan of action would be to call her minister, but i am hoping i won't have to do anything.
Oh believe me, it's true. Unfortunately true. He was a salesman, that might give a little more clarity as to his persistence LOL
For you, really just ignore everything. Don't call the minister, just ignore, ignore, ignore.. eventually she WILL stop. Good luck girl!
a person should not have to go through all this to get rid of someone. my next plan of action would be to call her minister, but i am hoping i won't have to do anything.
Thats the first line of defense.
Sadly...You'll be paying the minister a visit if she knows where you live, I don't say that in jest. The women needs help.
Seriously I would just have to get really REAL with that lady and tell her to take a hike. I wouldn't someone I don't like and barely know have that much free reign in my life.
in the book i read, in sheep's clothing, it said that it was hard to recognize when a person is manipulating you, and it did take a while. when someone clued me into her manipulating me, i googled it and found the book, and what she is doing is in it, only worse. the book never said how to get them to leave you alone. she was acting like she wanted to be a friend. but then it said that they get your number and know where to push your buttons. so true.
it will depend upon whether she leaves me alone as to whether i call her minister or her husband, maybe her husband first. i need luck, thanks. p.s. just emailed her husband to tell him to tell her to leave me alone. maybe that will work.
Here is where I first read about it, but the book didn't go any further into it as far as I was concerned outside of saying that they will never change that you have to change:
Selective Inattention – This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change.
and this:
Quote:
Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.
Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.
Sadly...You'll be paying the minister a visit if she knows where you live, I don't say that in jest. The women needs help.
Sadly, I fear that you are correct. And she will deny it all. Yes, she knows where I live.
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Thats the first line of defense.