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I made friends with a woman that loves to go around this big city and collect grass bags to mulch her garden. It seems that our friendship is based around this activity, and so whenever we go out together to do something else she gets me to help her get grass bags for her yard. I say no, but then she wants me to sit in the truck while she gets the bags, and then I feel guilty and help. I finally hurt my neck and shoulder from picking up these heavy grass bags and ended up seeing a chiropractor. She nagged me to come back, and when I got better I found myself not being able to say no again. Then my knees gave out and for a long time I could not lift anything or walk far. So I quit again until she began nagging a few months later.
Then I began doing research into manipulative people and bought the book In Sheep's Clothing about how people manipulate. I had even called her a manipulator in her emails, telling her that she was not my friend because friends don't treat each other like this, etc, but she didn’t respond to any of my emails but wrote like nothing happened and then began bringing me more plants for my garden. I know that she got the emails, and that she just ignores me, it is a pattern, because 3 months ago I confronted her with something else and she ignored my email. Then I asked her when I saw her if she got it and she laughed and said, "oh, your rant?" and dropped the subject. After those last emails I told her I needed 3 weeks to be alone that I now had a cold. Two days later she called and left a message: “Can you go get grass bags with me?” I wrote her that she was disrespectful in regards to my wishes. she ignored that. A day ago I wrote her and told her that I didn't want to be friends, but she called me like she had not heard a thing. I was cold on the phone. I have a hard time confronting her face to face. And obviously I have a hard time saying no, but I have this fear that I will be harassed forever. I am even losing sleep over this. I know that she knows that I will give in if she keeps up. I blocked her emails, but I can't stop her from coming by or calling. I can't believe that I allowed her to even cause my own body to have problems. After lifting the last bags with her I felt like I had whip lash. She is waiting for me to give in again, and I am trying hard to remain civil.
It isn't like she has ever been a real friend although she pretends to be. It has always been related to getting bags for her garden and sometimes my own or giving them to the park or other people she knows.
Any ideas? The book, while identifying her behavior didn’t tell me what to do other than saying that manipulative people do not change.
Last edited by Marka; 12-12-2010 at 10:12 AM..
Reason: per request
You have to SHUT HER DOWN! If you hear her voice on the phone, HANG IT UP and leave the phone off the hook about a hour.. If that hour isn't enough, leave it off longer!
You already blocked her emails so that is done. Next, always check to see who is at the door before you open it. if it is her... DO NOT open it. if you accidentaly run into her her in public, leave immediately... no matter what the occasion is. You gave her a inch, she took a mile, all she needs is a inch and now you know it. She'll get tired and find someone else to be "Friends" with...
If none of this works, get that restraining order for harassment.
That is nuts! I don't blame you for being upset. I don't have any better advice for you than the above posters have given, but I wanted to say do NOT feel bad about not wanting to confront her face-to-face. She's made you uncomfortable enough as it is. I don't blame you one bit. I hope she stops stalking you now that you flat-out told her to go away.
i say get a restraining order immediately and end all forms of communication. There is NO NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO HER. Just end all communication with her. Any thing she gives you goes into the trash. Find a friend or family to support you along this so they can say no when you cant.
This^^. How can someone harass you over email and the phone, unless you let them?
Thank you all for your support.
First, ChessieMom, you are right. I have no caller ID, but I think it may be a great idea. I will check into it today. How can she harrass me? She comes over with plants to give me and bags of leaves for my yard, anything to get me to come back to help her. And I see her and feel guilty for not wanting to help her. My husband hands me the phone or tells me to go to the door. I don't think he sees yet that I am having big problems with her, can't sleep. He says, just say NO. Unless this last letter completely stops her she will call, and if I don't answer, she will come over. I agree that I can't even answer the door, and I need to hang up on her if I don't get caller ID. If I am in the yard she can pull into my driveway. I have always been too nice, and so now she will think I flipped my lid because of the things I am saying to her. And I feel like I will if it doesn't stop. She believes that she has done no wrong. I was trying to be kind about it at first, telling her that we can't be friends because she doesn't respect me, but she ignores those emails. I read her emails after that to see how she would respond and she just wrote me a nice email pretending I had said nothing. But she leaves messages on the answering machine. You have to listen to it in order to delete it.
Quote:
You have to SHUT HER DOWN! If you hear her voice on the phone, HANG IT UP and leave the phone off the hook about a hour.. If that hour isn't enough, leave it off longer!
You already blocked her emails so that is done. Next, always check to see who is at the door before you open it. if it is her... DO NOT open it. if you accidentaly run into her her in public, leave immediately... no matter what the occasion is. You gave her a inch, she took a mile, all she needs is a inch and now you know it. She'll get tired and find someone else to be "Friends" with...
If none of this works, get that restraining order for harassment.
Laura, Thank you and thanks everyone for all their support.
My problem has been that I have a soft heart. I fear when I get over being angry with her, probably by spring, she will start calling again. I don't want that to happen. Shutting her down is what I have to do. It isn't easy for me. She is looking for that inch. I have never been through anything like this in my life. If I tell someone that I can't be friends they leave me alone, although I have had two pen pals that have waited a year and then wrote me. After that they behaved when I wrote back. I am also too forgiving. One friend told me to talk to her Garden Club members about her. Boy, that is a thought. And what comes to mind now is calling her minister that she loves so much.
Chop her into little pieces. That gave me a laugh. Thanks.
My husband's idea was to just answer the phone and say no. He thinks it is that easy even if it takes her a year to stop calling. I woke up this a.m. and first thing I thought was, I can't believe I said those things to her via email last night, the part about leave me alone and other people left the Garden Club due to you.
I am almost 70, and can you believe I have been lifting 15 to 60 lbs. grass bags, depending on whether the grass is light or wet or if is sawdust? Lucky for me most are 15 lbs or so. She is in her 60s but is very strong. This is insane for me to have been doing.
YOU are the one letting her manipulate you. You complain about being 70 lbs and lifting heavy things. Did she put a gun to your head and force you to do this? You are a grown women and you are letting her walk all over you. Stop emailing her and tell her face to face that you have a problem with her.
Do you tell her no to her face or just by email? I am wondering if she has been getting her messages.
You remember that little old lady named Nancy Reagan? "Just say no."
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