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So I've been trying to figure out why I can't seem to find a woman to love me, apparently the old saying nice guys finish last is true. It's not really the whole nice guy thing it's the fact that women, usually in high school and college, go for the a-hole because their cool. Then they get their hearts broken by these a-holes and scare women from ever trusting or believing that nice guys actually exist, so there's the dilemma that all nice guys have. It's hard to find love when you're a nice so most of us turn into a-holes looking for nothing but one night stands and nothing serious because we too become afraid of being heart broken and feel like we'll be stuck alone missing what we all had at one time. I tried the one night stands for a while now. I'm tired of it and want to have someone there and I'm stuck in this nice guy vortex of "DOOM", and it sucks (no pun intended). So for those of you who do have someone to love and hold I want you hold them tight take in the sweet smell of their hair, the soft touch of their skin on yours that sweet kiss that feels like it could never end and the feeling of your heart beating with theirs. These are all things we take for granted when we have that love and you really don't miss it until you don't have it. Love is hard to find so don't lose it when you have it.
Well, don't be TOO nice....most people don't want a doormat. Meaning that if you have a girl you've been interested in....and she only calls you when she is moving apartments....tell her you are busy unless she is buying the beer.
Especially when you are in your 20's the girls your age get LOTS of attention and can string the doormats along for ego, plan B or someone to do favors for them. (These are typically not bad gals, they just have lots of options.)
It's *bizarre* upon re-entering the dating world 15 years later and there is no longer the huge imbalance of power but then you have to wade through the financial\emotional minefield that was created over the years.
I can only wish that my husband would think or contemplate those kind of thoughts, i have come to the sad conclusion that he will never miss me or anyone on a deep level............
2) Women, above all, like men who love life. If you're the kind of person who walks into a room like a dog with a haircut, if you sit at home and watch television all the time, you're not the kind of guy any woman wants.
I never got this. I think this is stereotyping women too generally. Boring people, and people without flair exist. Its a personality type. I don't see what's wrong with a boring man desiring a boring woman to have a boring life with.
Why do men have to act the same way to get women? Not everyone is the life of a party. Once again, I see this as style over substance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bass101
I'm a happily married woman in my early 30's, but back when I was dating in my early 20's I was only interested in "nice" guys. I don't understand why any woman would want someone who wasn't a "nice guy." When I think of "nice guys" I think of the men who are always there for you, who are dependable, responsible, and considerate. I liked knowing how someone feels about me without playing juvenile mind games. I never cared if "nice guys" weren't as exciting as "bad boys"--I felt that predictable is good and stable and makes for a solid relationship.
I feel that people are looking for all the wrong things in relationships these days. People are placing too much emphasis on "passion," "excitement," "chemistry," and "appearance" when they should be putting the emphasis on friendship, intellectual compatibility, shared values, and stability. Instead of thinking of the potential date as someone they'd like to hop into bed with, they should be thinking, "is this someone I can have a strong friendship with?" I have a friend in her early 30's who is single and can't find a partner because she is only looking for "chemistry" and "excitement" and then wonders why all her relationships have turned out poorly and she's still single.
Passion fades in a relationship but a strong friendship is the bedrock that a solid relationship is built on.
This woman actually gets it. And I do agree that a lot of guys whine too much. I would say that the REAL problem is that there are more men who think like this than women. To excoriate these guys for having a problem that is sooo ubiquitous I think is far too easy, and glosses over the fact that you may be right but there may also be a REAL societal issue that needs to be addressed.
The key is having a little of both I think. Woman will say they want a nice guy, but lets face it, there's nothing sexy about nice. Someone once told me "You can't give a woman what she wants, give her what she needs". I believe that now. That doesn't mean you have to mistreat her to get her and keep her. Unfortunatley woman just won't respect you when you are nice. You have to find that happy medium. I've battled this issue over and over again. I'm naturally a nice guy when I care about a woman. But nice has gotten me cheated on multiple times. Yet, when i'm the *******, I can't seem to get rid of them.
A great example is the gf I just broke up with. Back and forth for 10 years. I never treated her that great because I didn't want to be with her long term. I finally fall in love w/ her, she drops everything, moves in, perfect right? She finally gets her prize and we ride off into the sunset. Wrong. I treat her like a Queen, 9 months later, bam, she cheats on me, complains about how she is miserable, etc etc. This is a woman that I used to cook for, opened every door for, would leave surprise love notes for her to find, flowers, etc... I mean, I treated her wonderfully...and I got shat on. I still have female friends telling me a i'm a great catch and that I've just latched on to some bad woman. But I don't know. I watch others go through the same thing. I just don't have alot of hope for us nice guys. The only ones I see making it, are the guys who are a little harsh, a little cold, and completely unromantic. Go figure.
Just be yourself, but never get attached, once you do that its trouble. Ive been a nice guy to women, but never wanted to be their boyfriend....in a way they were cool wit that.
Well, don't be TOO nice....most people don't want a doormat. Meaning that if you have a girl you've been interested in....and she only calls you when she is moving apartments....tell her you are busy unless she is buying the beer.
Especially when you are in your 20's the girls your age get LOTS of attention and can string the doormats along for ego, plan B or someone to do favors for them. (These are typically not bad gals, they just have lots of options.)
It's *bizarre* upon re-entering the dating world 15 years later and there is no longer the huge imbalance of power but then you have to wade through the financial\emotional minefield that was created over the years.
I agree women in their 20's are the worst for abusing and taking advantage of the traditional good guy. They don't care because they get so much attention and have so many guy friends or lovers that will cater to them. It's just annoying how women don't appreciate the good guys until they're 40 years old with 2 ex-husbands and 4 kids.
So I've been trying to figure out why I can't seem to find a woman to love me, apparently the old saying nice guys finish last is true. It's not really the whole nice guy thing it's the fact that women, usually in high school and college, go for the a-hole because their cool. Then they get their hearts broken by these a-holes and scare women from ever trusting or believing that nice guys actually exist, so there's the dilemma that all nice guys have. It's hard to find love when you're a nice so most of us turn into a-holes looking for nothing but one night stands and nothing serious because we too become afraid of being heart broken and feel like we'll be stuck alone missing what we all had at one time. I tried the one night stands for a while now. I'm tired of it and want to have someone there and I'm stuck in this nice guy vortex of "DOOM", and it sucks (no pun intended). So for those of you who do have someone to love and hold I want you hold them tight take in the sweet smell of their hair, the soft touch of their skin on yours that sweet kiss that feels like it could never end and the feeling of your heart beating with theirs. These are all things we take for granted when we have that love and you really don't miss it until you don't have it. Love is hard to find so don't lose it when you have it.
I wouldnt put pressure on yourself to find someone. Just enjoy being you in your singleness for this season in your life. And remember, theres no shame in being a nice guy....at least you can have deep respect for yourself even if that isnt cool with some women . In time you shall find a good match. I think you could speed up the process a bit if you were to go to places where nice guys are wanted...one such place is larger church Singles Ministries that have regular Group Meetings open to the public. Make a few phone calls and see where they are. Youll be in demand there and youll get a gal with high morals and faithfulness to boot. You sould like a classy guy and i wish you well.
I think you could speed up the process a bit if you were to go to places where nice guys are wanted...one such place is larger church Singles Ministries that have regular Group Meetings open to the public. Make a few phone calls and see where they are. Youll be in demand there and youll get a gal with high morals and faithfulness to boot.
That's right! Then he'll come back here whining about not getting any even though he got hitched.
We all GET it. The difference is some can settle for the lack of numerous things; some can't.
I'm actually not sure you do get it. When you have the philosophy on relationships that some of these men have, you become fundamentally incompatible with a large swath of females.
You can blame them for their shortcomings, but I don't really think that's the main problem. Plenty of men with shortcomings greater than any average "nice guy" get women consistently. I honestly think there is a disconnect in how these men and the majority of PEOPLE but especially women view the purpose of relationships.
I'll speak for me because this is who I know the best. But I am NOT the type of person who wants what he "can't" have, I am not enamored by new and shiny things, and I don't put a high importance on being "outgoing" or the "life of the party". I'm of the slow and steady wins the race school of thought, and am doing well with that so far.
If I felt I had a problem, then I would easily change it. Sure I have my own issues but I consider myself far more stable than the majority of people in relationships.
What I see on the opposite side are a large number of women, who think that chasing the "unattainable" is more important than finding the compatible, or that relationships are supposed to be some sort of struggle that one must work through to maintain. When things are too harmonious they see that as "boring" and begin to look elsewhere. I personally believe that this is a dangerous mentality and the reason for much of the discord in modern relationships.
I would tell these men to better themselves of course. If they are lacking in self esteem then gain some, of course. But it's a bit of a catch-22. Why would they have confidence they could get a woman if they have never gotten one. I call that being delusional.
The main problem is that there are a lot of whiners and people with low self esteem espousing this view. But I think the majority of these guys have a legitimate gripe, especially if they are younger. Relationship dynamics have changed since a lot you were in the dating pool
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