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A few weeks back I had told my mother that I won't be over for the holidays. In recent years they have been spent at my cousin's house (who I can't stand. She is bossy and her husband is a hot headed bully.) My mother always feels she has to be nice to them because they help her do things (my mother has always been dependent on other people.)
I always feel uncomfortable and awkward going over. I don't drive and they live about a half hour away, so someone will have to meet me somewhere to pick meup and go over.
I am single,so I feel more like an outcast when I am around.
Anyway, my question is if anyone else dreads the holidays as much as I do and how do they cope? Honestly, I would much be happier being by myself than feeling "obligated" to go somewhere I won't be happy. (Shouldn't the holidays be about happiness anyway?)
It shocks me to read how many of us either choose, have no choice, or wish to be alone during holidays. Were I to have it my way, I'd definitely choose to be amongst friends and/or family, minus the hoopla of unjustified spending and consumerism. Unfortunately, due circumstances beyond my control, I have no choice but to spend it alone yet again. It's precisely for this reason that I dislike the holidays.
See, even though I may not appreciate (and vice-versa) each and every family member, the fact is that I don't know how many more times I may have the privilege of seeing, conversing with, or hugging that person. And maybe, the mere act of spending a little quality time with that family member I don't much care for, might just cause me to appreciate them just a little more. And if I can manage to muster a little appreciation for someone, I will be that much happier for it.
A few weeks back I had told my mother that I won't be over for the holidays. In recent years they have been spent at my cousin's house (who I can't stand. She is bossy and her husband is a hot headed bully.) My mother always feels she has to be nice to them because they help her do things (my mother has always been dependent on other people.)
I always feel uncomfortable and awkward going over. I don't drive and they live about a half hour away, so someone will have to meet me somewhere to pick meup and go over.
I am single,so I feel more like an outcast when I am around.
Anyway, my question is if anyone else dreads the holidays as much as I do and how do they cope? Honestly, I would much be happier being by myself than feeling "obligated" to go somewhere I won't be happy. (Shouldn't the holidays be about happiness anyway?)
So your mother would rather spend it with your cousin....then her daughter?
So your mother would rather spend it with your cousin....then her daughter?
Actually son, lol. Anyway, like I said my cousin is bossy and my mother is very dependent on others. She feels she needs them in her life to help her with things (like getting her car fixed or job hunt.) I feel they like to lay guilt trips on you if they don't do as they tell you. I think that's her fear that she's afraid of losing her handyman or something if she stands up for herself.
Actually son, lol. Anyway, like I said my cousin is bossy and my mother is very dependent on others. She feels she needs them in her life to help her with things (like getting her car fixed or job hunt.) I feel they like to lay guilt trips on you if they don't do as they tell you. I think that's her fear that she's afraid of losing her handyman or something if she stands up for herself.
She does only work part time, but those thoughts still run through my head a lot. I think I'm leaningtoward having a heart to heart chat with her that she has to ber more self sufficient.
Her brother (my uncle) practically raised her since my grandmother worked a lot. He had passed a few years back. She is just now seperated from her husband of ten years due to financial issues. Apparently she seems to be losing everyone she had relied on and all that's left is me and my cousin's husband who no one likes. She can rely on me for emotional support but I couldn't fix a car or an appliance. She does need to do things on her own.
I think I am goinig to have to talk to her, somehow.
She does only work part time, but those thoughts still run through my head a lot. I think I'm leaningtoward having a heart to heart chat with her that she has to ber more self sufficient.
Her brother (my uncle) practically raised her since my grandmother worked a lot. He had passed a few years back. She is just now seperated from her husband of ten years due to financial issues. Apparently she seems to be losing everyone she had relied on and all that's left is me and my cousin's husband who no one likes. She can rely on me for emotional support but I couldn't fix a car or an appliance. She does need to do things on her own.
I think I am goinig to have to talk to her, somehow.
Fine to talk with her about wanting to spend the Holidays differently. I just would not mess with her support network. Since you are unable to supply certain things she needs, let her be about relying on another relative. If she is content than there it is.
You however do not need to associate with the cousin and family. If your mother wants to know why, than a honest answer such as you have written here, is the fair thing to tell her. That is without coercion to change her ways.
No one really has to be alone for the holidays. There are all kinds of people who spend their holidays volunteering at homeless missions and churches. Or they visit shut-ins, those in nursing homes who have no one.
Or like some people where I work who have no family throw a dinner at their apartment for the other co-workers who would otherwise be alone. Or if they have to work that day, they do their dinner the next day.
Fine to talk with her about wanting to spend the Holidays differently. I just would not mess with her support network. Since you are unable to supply certain things she needs, let her be about relying on another relative. If she is content than there it is.
You however do not need to associate with the cousin and family. If your mother wants to know why, than a honest answer such as you have written here, is the fair thing to tell her. That is without coercion to change her ways.
Happy Holidays.
That works for me. I guess I have been doing things OK, but I guess sometimes I feel like I am talking to a brick wall with her about how I feel around this time of year.
A few weeks back I had told my mother that I won't be over for the holidays. In recent years they have been spent at my cousin's house (who I can't stand. She is bossy and her husband is a hot headed bully.) My mother always feels she has to be nice to them because they help her do things (my mother has always been dependent on other people.)
I always feel uncomfortable and awkward going over. I don't drive and they live about a half hour away, so someone will have to meet me somewhere to pick meup and go over.
I am single,so I feel more like an outcast when I am around.
Anyway, my question is if anyone else dreads the holidays as much as I do and how do they cope? Honestly, I would much be happier being by myself than feeling "obligated" to go somewhere I won't be happy. (Shouldn't the holidays be about happiness anyway?)
Thanksgiving and Christmas have become so fake and such a ritual. I treat them just like any other day. And I'm mostly alone on the holidays. Suits me just fine.
No one really has to be alone for the holidays. There are all kinds of people who spend their holidays volunteering at homeless missions and churches. Or they visit shut-ins, those in nursing homes who have no one.
Or like some people where I work who have no family throw a dinner at their apartment for the other co-workers who would otherwise be alone. Or if they have to work that day, they do their dinner the next day.
When did it become illeagal to be alone on the holidays? Why is it so stigmatized. If you want to punish me, come and intrude on my peace, solitude and privacy on a holiday.
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