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I have just ended a relationship with someone i was with for over a year. it is difficult to deal with, naturally, but i want to be able to learn something from it. and this is one thing i found really hard to wrap my mind around.
we had a pretty rough year, and a few months ago i had a miscarriage. the thing was, was that even tho he was there for both tests, he woke up the morning i woke up bleeding and wouldn't look at me. wouldn't look me in the eye. he kept saying, "its just your period." even tho both tests were positive. i pulled up an article online about the impossibility of TWO pregnancy tests being false positives, and then he hinted that i might be "hysterically pregnant". even tho it was a shock to find out since we had been using birth control. i was completely shocked and scared on top of it, and he wouldn't look at me. denied it was happening. i even sat next to him on the couch saying these very words, "i'm scared, i'm in pain, please just put your arm around me". instead he brought up a completely unrelated thing and wouldn't look at me. i left in tears and was in such shock i got completely drunk. in the meantime he calls a friend of his who is like, "dude, this could be serious, what's wrong with you?" and he raced over to my house. it was just so weird but i forgave him, for some stupid reason (love).
then, my mother, who is in GA and i am in CA, got cancer. i immediately wanted to fly out to be with her and he got angry with me. "You always make too big a deal of stuff". what? actually yelled at me. "this is just like you!" what? somehow, because i was still getting over the miscarriage, moving to a new place, etc i put off dealing with it. then my sister got a lump on her neck that turned out to not be anything, but i wanted to fly home again because my sister is my best friend in the world. he didn't offer one word of encouragement or "its gonna be ok," just came home grouchy because he was broke and couldn't afford ice cream. i went to the store, bought him some ice cream and us some beer. i even gave him gas money. still not a word. the next day when i told him again how worried i was and that maybe i should go home for a week or so, he yelled at me again. that was it, for me. i broke it off with him.
but i don't get it. i don't date creeps. but he consistently, for one thing, was impossible in an argument. he would get really childish. we wouldn't be able to resolve anything. now that i have broken up with him he has told me a couple times (in our ensuining conversations to get all our stuff back from each other) that i "probably cheated" on him, calling me an "unloyal c&nt". i have never cheated on anyone in my life. he knows this. its like he can't accept that he actually treated me bad and has to pull reasons out of the air. i mean, the guy was 80 percent loving, affectionate, wonderful, but 20 percent complete monster at times. he never laid a hand on me but after this relationship i really feel like i was emotionally abused. i felt like i was in "gaslight" or something- he would always say i was "projecting" if i brought up a problem and the problem was always ME, not him. i have never had a relationship like this and it has left me completely confused. i don't know why, at the age of 37 and when i wasn't even LOOKING for a relationship, i wound up getting involved with someone who has hurt me over and over again. i just don;t get any of it. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? i really need someone's advice. again, i have broken up with him- i just need to find some reason why a guy would act this way.
You meet this guy in 10 years...and he will still be unmarried or single...he has issues basically.
Everyone deals with stress differently. Perhaps should consider that before painting your ex as an abuser.
This is my take on your version of the events. He was in shock over the miscarriage. When your mother and sister fell ill, it magnified that stress tremendously. All throughout, you pressured him to ignore his own emotions and direct his attention solely on your well being. His reaction was to withdraw himself and was rightly irritable when you wouldn’t stop pressuring him.
I don’t condone the comments he made, but I can’t entirely fault him. You broke up with him twelve times? Hardly loyal. What about the eighty percent of the time when he was, in your own words, loving, affectionate, and wonderful? Does that mean nothing? I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt you were the one spinning webs. Men have feelings too. Just a thought.
Everyone deals with stress differently. Perhaps should consider that before painting your ex as an abuser.
This is my take on your version of the events. He was in shock over the miscarriage. When your mother and sister fell ill, it magnified that stress tremendously. All throughout, you pressured him to ignore his own emotions and direct his attention solely on your well being. His reaction was to withdraw himself and was rightly irritable when you wouldn’t stop pressuring him.
I don’t condone the comments he made, but I can’t entirely fault him. You broke up with him twelve times? Hardly loyal. What about the eighty percent of the time when he was, in your own words, loving, affectionate, and wonderful? Does that mean nothing? I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt you were the one spinning webs. Men have feelings too. Just a thought.
Your more like the Man of Blame the OP. Are you the guy the OP is talking about?
Everyone deals with stress differently. Perhaps should consider that before painting your ex as an abuser.
This is my take on your version of the events. He was in shock over the miscarriage. When your mother and sister fell ill, it magnified that stress tremendously. All throughout, you pressured him to ignore his own emotions and direct his attention solely on your well being. His reaction was to withdraw himself and was rightly irritable when you wouldn’t stop pressuring him.
I don’t condone the comments he made, but I can’t entirely fault him. You broke up with him twelve times? Hardly loyal. What about the eighty percent of the time when he was, in your own words, loving, affectionate, and wonderful? Does that mean nothing? I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt you were the one spinning webs. Men have feelings too. Just a thought.
i can't dismiss your words out of hand, but we aren't dealing with a twentysomething- he is 42 years old. if he was in shock that's fair enough, but he had a strange way of showing it. it had started happening the night before, and when i woke up i just had that feeling that yes, this is definitely a miscarriage, not "breakout" bleeding like you sometimes have in the early stages of pregnancy. he had already been aware that that might be going on, and had actually said "yay!" because we weren't sure if we were going to keep the child or what our options were. mother nature took all that out of our hands, but he clearly didn't want the child, so i don't think it was a situation where he was extremely saddened about it. he was relieved the night before, big time. he just thought i was overreacting to a period and ignoring all the evidence to the contrary.
yes, i did break up with him at least 12 times. but then he would turn the charm back on and promise to change. then once he had me back he would repeat the same behaviors and blame me for everything. it was a vicious cycle. i am certainly not perfect. i understood that he was dealing with alot of stress. but i paid his rent two months in a row, loaned him money continuously- i didn't sit there like a princess asking to be taking care of. i figured we were in this together, and his problems were my problems. i helped fix his laptop because i am good with a solder gun. i put things on ebay for him to make some extra money for him and didn't keep a penny. i painted his walls for him, paid for endless meals, and probably put him too much as a priority if anything. when his work was slow i even set up some jobs in atlanta with him with my former brother in law who is a recording engineer. if he didn't trust me because of the number of times i broke up with him, that's fair- but when i broke up with him every single time for the same reasons, and then he would promise to change and wouldn't, what is a person supposed to do with that? i should have left a long time ago, but i don't like to give up on things so easily, which might sound oxymoronic in light of our constant breakups, but i DID keep trying. because this had never happened to me before and i was trying to work on it in the way one works on a normal healthy relationship. the same rules i guess didn't apply. you can't reason with the unreasonable. i spoke with him last night and he still says i "probably" cheated on him. he can't admit that maybe it was because of him, and he has blamed everything from my childhood to hormones to the influence of my friends to the time of the month. he occasionally admits that he did wrong, but five minutes later changes his mind and tries to twist it back in his favor. if he isn't an abuser, the fairest thing that could be said about him is that he is emotionally immature. not trying to dismiss your words out of hand, because something can be learned from everyone's viewpoint. but i just don't think it quite applies here. love shouldn't be this hard. i have been in great relationships and hell, i am still friends with most of my exes- even my ex husband. if i were such a blowsy begum and neurotic as hell then i don't think that would be the case. his longest relationship was with a girl with acute manic-depression, who he used to have to practically pry off of ledges because she was trying to kill herself. he was with her five years. makes you wonder.
Last edited by nighthouse66; 11-19-2010 at 04:47 PM..
Reason: spelling
Your more like the Man of Blame the OP. Are you the guy the OP is talking about?
Your statements only serve to show how relevant my sn is in this case. I simply went against politically correctness and refused to coddle her. (Nothing personal, OP.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nighthouse66
i can't dismiss your words out of hand, but we aren't dealing with a twentysomething- he is 42 years old. if he was in shock that's fair enough, but he had a strange way of showing it. it had started happening the night before, and when i woke up i just had that feeling that yes, this is definitely a miscarriage, not "breakout" bleeding like you sometimes have in the early stages of pregnancy. he had already been aware that that might be going on, and had actually said "yay!" because we weren't sure if we were going to keep the child or what our options were. mother nature took all that out of our hands, but he clearly didn't want the child, so i don't think it was a situation where he was extremely saddened about it. he was relieved the night before, big time. he just thought i was overreacting to a period and ignoring all the evidence to the contrary.
yes, i did break up with him at least 12 times. but then he would turn the charm back on and promise to change. then once he had me back he would repeat the same behaviors and blame me for everything. it was a vicious cycle. i am certainly not perfect. i understood that he was dealing with alot of stress. but i paid his rent two months in a row, loaned him money continuously- i didn't sit there like a princess asking to be taking care of. i figured we were in this together, and his problems were my problems. i helped fix his laptop because i am good with a solder gun. i put things on ebay for him to make some extra money for him and didn't keep a penny. i painted his walls for him, paid for endless meals, and probably put him too much as a priority if anything. when his work was slow i even set up some jobs in atlanta with him with my former brother in law who is a recording engineer. if he didn't trust me because of the number of times i broke up with him, that's fair- but when i broke up with him every single time for the same reasons, and then he would promise to change and wouldn't, what is a person supposed to do with that? i should have left a long time ago, but i don't like to give up on things so easily, which might sound oxymoronic in light of our constant breakups, but i DID keep trying. because this had never happened to me before and i was trying to work on it in the way one works on a normal healthy relationship. the same rules i guess didn't apply. you can't reason with the unreasonable. i spoke with him last night and he still says i "probably" cheated on him. he can't admit that maybe it was because of him, and he has blamed everything from my childhood to hormones to the influence of my friends to the time of the month. he occasionally admits that he did wrong, but five minutes later changes his mind and tries to twist it back in his favor. if he isn't an abuser, the fairest thing that could be said about him is that he is emotionally immature. not trying to dismiss your words out of hand, because something can be learned from everyone's viewpoint. but i just don't think it quite applies here. love shouldn't be this hard. i have been in great relationships and hell, i am still friends with most of my exes- even my ex husband. if i were such a blowsy begum and neurotic as hell then i don't think that would be the case. his longest relationship was with a girl with acute manic-depression, who he used to have to practically pry off of ledges because she was trying to kill herself. he was with her five years. makes you wonder.
Shock wouldn’t entail that he wanted the pregnancy. From what you said, he didn’t acknowledge the pregnancy or the miscarriage.
It’s clearer to me since you’ve elaborated on the situation. He doesn’t know how to give and take. My guess is that his time with the ex you mentioned served as his primary model for relationships. Perhaps he will fix himself in the future, but that’s his responsibility, not yours. It is, indeed, your responsibility to leave when you recognize someone you’re involved with is incapable of being in a healthy relationship, however. I’m relieved you accept this because many don’t.
thanks man of reason. not offended in the slightest. i value all opinions, especially the straight-with-no-chaser ones.
i appreciate everyone's comments. i HAVE dumped the guy, now i just have to absorb it all and absorb all the info i have gotten (as well as the private message, thank you K!) and this is what this forum is about. cheers everyone, and happy holidays.
Were you supportive, empathetic, sensitive, caring, understanding, helpful, cooperative, thoughtful, and patient with your boyfriend? If you were then the boyfriend was not the right person for you and sadly, did not value everything you gave to him.
I have just ended a relationship with someone i was with for over a year. it is difficult to deal with, naturally, but i want to be able to learn something from it. and this is one thing i found really hard to wrap my mind around.
we had a pretty rough year, and a few months ago i had a miscarriage. the thing was, was that even tho he was there for both tests, he woke up the morning i woke up bleeding and wouldn't look at me. wouldn't look me in the eye. he kept saying, "its just your period." even tho both tests were positive. i pulled up an article online about the impossibility of TWO pregnancy tests being false positives, and then he hinted that i might be "hysterically pregnant". even tho it was a shock to find out since we had been using birth control. i was completely shocked and scared on top of it, and he wouldn't look at me. denied it was happening. i even sat next to him on the couch saying these very words, "i'm scared, i'm in pain, please just put your arm around me". instead he brought up a completely unrelated thing and wouldn't look at me. i left in tears and was in suchshock i got completely drunk. in the meantime he calls a friend of his who is like, "dude, this could be serious, what's wrong with you?" and he raced over to my house. it was just so weird but i forgave him, for some stupid reason (love).
then, my mother, who is in GA and i am in CA, got cancer. i immediately wanted to fly out to be with her and he got angry with me. "You always make too big a deal of stuff". what? actually yelled at me. "this is just like you!" what? somehow, because i was still getting over the miscarriage, moving to a new place, etc i put off dealing with it. then my sister got a lump on her neck that turned out to not be anything, but i wanted to fly home again because my sister is my best friend in the world. he didn't offer one word of encouragement or "its gonna be ok," just came home grouchy because he was broke and couldn't afford ice cream. i went to the store, bought him some ice cream and us some beer. i even gave him gas money. still not a word. the next day when i told him again how worried i was and that maybe i should go home for a week or so, he yelled at me again. that was it, for me. i broke it off with him.
but i don't get it. i don't date creeps. but he consistently, for one thing, was impossible in an argument. he would get really childish. we wouldn't be able to resolve anything. now that i have broken up with him he has told me a couple times (in our ensuining conversations to get all our stuff back from each other) that i "probably cheated" on him, calling me an "unloyal c&nt". i have never cheated on anyone in my life. he knows this. its like he can't accept that he actually treated me bad and has to pull reasons out of the air. i mean, the guy was 80 percent loving, affectionate, wonderful, but 20 percent complete monster at times. he never laid a hand on me but after this relationship i really feel like i was emotionally abused. i felt like i was in "gaslight" or something- he would always say i was "projecting" if i brought up a problem and the problem was always ME, not him. i have never had a relationship like this and it has left me completely confused. i don't know why, at the age of 37 and when i wasn't even LOOKING for a relationship, i wound up getting involved with someone who has hurt me over and over again. i just don;t get any of it. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? i really need someone's advice. again, i have broken up with him- i just need to find some reason why a guy would act this way.
I started reading your post in hopes of giving you some words of wisdom and maybe some encouragement. When I got to the sentence (bolded above) where you said you got competely drunk I stopped reading, and decided if I were your boyfirend I wouldn't support you either. When you grow up, you will realize that getting drunk doesn't solve any problems, it just makes more. Yeah, maybe your boyfriend should have been more concerned with your situation, but he probably knows you well enough to disregard some of your complains. Sorry, I have no compassion for someone who uses alcohol to solve problems.
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Why Would a Boyfriend Be Unsupportive?
