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I don't want to discount people's feelings, but I think practically everyone feels this way...yet if you do the math, it's impossible for everybody to be the only nice person while everyone else is the *sshole...or uh...yeah. It's just...not possible, people.
We live societally and so we ALL feel like we spend a ton of time doing "for others" but we don't realize that the next person feels EXACTLY the same...about what they're doing for us, or for their families, or for work, or, or, or.
I may think the person cutting me off in traffic is an *sshole. Meanwhile, he thinks I'm an *sshole who doesn't know where she's going and is driving too slowly and he might be late for work and what will he do then. We always feel justified when we have to drive fast (nobody around me knows how to drive and everyone is so inconsiderate!), when we need to cut in line (they just don't realize that I'm trying to buy medicine for a sick child...they have no idea how this feels!), when we want a tax break v. the next person getting one (but I work so hard!), when we're rude to cashiers (when I was her age, I'd have been FIRED for being so slow to ring a person up!) or when as servicepeople we're rude to those we service (oh doesn't EVERYBODY think the customer is always right and so they have the right to just talk "however" to me...I'll show him or her).
But we never think the next person could possibly have such justifications. Why? Because we're so "nice" and "upstanding"...and the whole rest of the world isn't.
I think this is a flaw in perception, not an observation on the human condition, frankly. We can't all be so nice; too nice for the rest of this world.
On a related note, and I'm getting there so I'm not pointing fingers or poking fun, I read a study that said that as we age, we begin to lose our ability to determine what's appropriate to say/do and what's not, and where boundaries lie and shouldn't be crossed, and that that's why older people seem to so often come right out with the most outrageous stuff. I think the other side to that equation is that they...like everyone else!...are thinking, "Oh my GOD, I've put up with this awful world for SO long, now it's my turn!"
I just don't think it's logical, personally. But again, feelings are feelings and who am I to say.
I know I have. I'm almost 50 and realizing my easy going, forgiving nature and sense of fairness has gotten me absolutely nothing I wanted in life, and I'm about fed up with it.
Any others out there like me that have reached that same conclusion and trying to develop a new "resolve"?
How have you done it? I have such a hard time putting my need and wants before others, but I am desperate now. If I don't take a stand soon, I'm going to be on my deathbed one day wondering why I didn't fight for some of the things I wanted out of life instead of catering to the moods and needs of others, including my own children.
It seems that way, doesn't it?
My mothers exhibits the personality traits you listed above. She's very easy-going, and makes all in her presence feel comfortable. She's forgiving to a fault. She has a sense of fairness and honesty to those who come in personal contact with her, and although these personality traits may seem good (and I would say she is a genuinely "good" person), they have gotten her taken advantage of, time and time again, by her family, those she deals with in business, etc. The simple reality is that unforgiving, aggressive, unfair jerks will take advantage of meek and humble people every chance they get. I don't know what it is - perhaps to economy - but there seem to be more jerks than ever before.
It's going to be hard to put run away brakes on that train after 50 years but it's not too late. You are going to take you changing your mind set. Think of what you want to do and what your needs are and just start stating what you want and what's going to happen (expecially with your children). After a while you will loose people but the people who love you will learn not to be so selfish when it comes to you and consider your needs. This will take time and it will take you resisting your initial reaction to requests and to others needs. Just act like you've lost your mind. Learn to say No, I don't think so, not today, etc. You will fall in love with yourself and feel better about yourself than you ever have before. A weight will be lifted.
I know I have. I'm almost 50 and realizing my easy going, forgiving nature and sense of fairness has gotten me absolutely nothing I wanted in life, and I'm about fed up with it.
Any others out there like me that have reached that same conclusion and trying to develop a new "resolve"?
How have you done it? I have such a hard time putting my need and wants before others, but I am desperate now. If I don't take a stand soon, I'm going to be on my deathbed one day wondering why I didn't fight for some of the things I wanted out of life instead of catering to the moods and needs of others, including my own children.
The two "ways" are not mutually exclusive. You can have what Chinese martial artists call "The Iron Fist in the Velvet Glove": soft on the outside and hard on the inside. Present a soft side to others initially; when their actions so dictate, take off the gloves and show your resolve.
Coupled with that is the realization that if you are indeed going to be of any use to anyone else, you need to take care of #1 FIRST. Only after you do that can you afford to help others.
I would think that you also have to consider your basic personality traits - are you naturally a giver, a nurturer? As a parent that might have increased over the years, but you DO need to discern when it's time to kick the babies out of the nest. Odd that the very quality that makes one a good parent is also responsible for your weakness, but excess in ANYTHING is deadly.
Finally, realize that when you DO achieve some measure of freedom, you won't always HAVE to "fight" for what you want - things will start coming to you almost of their own volition.
I've been there and by adopting a couple simple rules, things have been much better for me.
Rule number one: life is competitive. Since life is competitive, you are a competitor. You have to condition yourself for it.
Rule number two: family is your team in this competition. However, dead weight is loser weight. If your family members aren't conditioned for the game, they need to get improving. If they don't, you don't owe them anything. You can and should be cordial but if they're losers, putting your resources (time, money, etc.) into them is throwing good money after bad and making yourself less competitive.
If you followed me for a week, the rules coming out of me would look like Zombie Land.
I'll bet you did very well at high-school football.
The thing is, if you SEE life as a competition, oddly enough it will BE one. That so many people would agree with your philosophy is probably one of the leading causes of stress-related diseases in the world today.
I'm truly glad that this approach works for you. You just have to realize that it depends to a large degree upon the practitioner's state of mind and philosophy of life. Some are born with the "Go-Go-Go" gene; others seem to have inherited the "Mañana" gene instead. Going against one's natural instincts, no matter how well it works for someone else, is usually a recipe for disaster.
The thing is, if you SEE life as a competition, oddly enough it will BE one.
Are you suggesting that by not seeing life as a competition that it will not be? If you're not, would you please explain your point with this statement?
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That so many people would agree with your philosophy is probably one of the leading causes of stress-related diseases in the world today.
Certainly, it couldn't be because of poor coping mechanisms.
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I'm truly glad that this approach works for you. You just have to realize that it depends to a large degree upon the practitioner's state of mind and philosophy of life. Some are born with the "Go-Go-Go" gene; others seem to have inherited the "Mañana" gene instead. Going against one's natural instincts, no matter how well it works for someone else, is usually a recipe for disaster.
You may recall that I posted and then you quoted this.
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Originally Posted by The Homogenizer
I've been there and by adopting a couple simple rules, things have been much better for me.
You'll notice that it doesn't say that anyone who follows this advice will enjoy positive results. It says that I have enjoyed positive results from it.
I plead guilty to this sort of behavior as well, but there's compensations.
Feeling needed, giving to others, are puzzling high's to the receivers of the world.
I've always been an uncomfortable, even snappy, receiver of gifts, tangible or intangible, as I never get any great high out of it.
My roommate, now unemployed, feeling insecure not paying rent, has been going overboard with the "gifts" to me and I'm growing more uncomfortable by the day, ready to snap any minute! I haven't even washed my own dirty dishes in over a month, wouldn't that make anyone want to snap, snap?
Check your memory log, I'm sure it will be loaded with the high's you reached being a giver other than a receiver.
My roommate, now unemployed, feeling insecure not paying rent, has been going overboard with the "gifts" to me and I'm growing more uncomfortable by the day, ready to snap any minute! I haven't even washed my own dirty dishes in over a month, wouldn't that make anyone want to snap, snap?
Send him my way if you're that uncomfortable! Not only is he a handyman, but even washes dishes! I won't snap at all!
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We can't all be so nice; too nice for the rest of this world.
