Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:05 AM
 
Location: In the Redwoods
30,286 posts, read 51,752,562 times
Reputation: 23658

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
I clarified that in order to make it plain that I'm not trying to make my kids feel guilty for any reason. How would they feel if they didn't have me around because their parents' marriage sucked?
You can still be around, and they'll enjoy having a father who's not miserable 24/7.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:06 AM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,645 posts, read 38,532,038 times
Reputation: 11780
Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
There you have it.

But gizmo980 was older when his/her parents broke up. I have little kids. You guys didn't address this part of my question:

Quote:
How would they feel if they didn't have me around because their parents' marriage sucked?
Every time I talk about divorce with my kids (which is not often at all) they get very upset. Does this sound like a good choice for us?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:10 AM
 
Location: In the Redwoods
30,286 posts, read 51,752,562 times
Reputation: 23658
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
But gizmo980 was older when his/her parents broke up. I have little kids. You guys didn't address this part of my question:
My brother was still fairly young, and he dealt with it pretty well... I think he was actually the MOST relieved, since by then my sister & I no longer had to hear their BS (fighting, snide remarks, cold shoulders, etc) on a daily basis. He was stuck living alone with them, and often told me how stressful it was.

Quote:
Every time I talk about divorce with my kids (which is not often at all) they get very upset. Does this sound like a good choice for us?
I don't know you or your family, so I can't really say what's best... but they'd likely get used to the new family structure, and be happier in the long run.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:11 AM
 
Location: In the Redwoods
30,286 posts, read 51,752,562 times
Reputation: 23658
P.S. I'm a woman.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:13 AM
 
11,865 posts, read 16,949,277 times
Reputation: 20084
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
But gizmo980 was older when his/her parents broke up. I have little kids. You guys didn't address this part of my question:



Every time I talk about divorce with my kids (which is not often at all) they get very upset. Does this sound like a good choice for us?
I was young when my parents divorced. I dealt with it, it happens. It was better than my parents being unhappy and subjecting me to it. My dad was an active part of my life because he was determined to be. It can be done.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:13 AM
 
1,054 posts, read 3,848,979 times
Reputation: 845
I agree with the OP. Staying together for the sake of the child does not help the child. Children can tell and it does not help them seeing their parents fighting their entire childhood. What it ends up doing a lot of times is laying the foundation for the child to have difficulties in their own life forming a relationship and having a good marriage. Kids learn by example so negative examples of a relationship is not helping them. A father can still be a part of his kid's lives without being married to the mother. My family was like this with him constantly swearing to my mother "just wait till she is 18" meaning he had long planned as soon as I turned 18 he would get a divorce.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:23 AM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,645 posts, read 38,532,038 times
Reputation: 11780
OK, it seems as if most on here think you shouldn't stay married for the kids. Just one more question. When you talk about a father being involved, or in the children's life, what do you mean? Weekend parenting? Kids staying with the mom but "seeing" the dad? Or something equal, straight down the middle parenting time? I will not accept the former. I have been the primary parent, the one who has done most of the work, and I will not be reduced to a visitor.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:26 AM
 
Location: In the Redwoods
30,286 posts, read 51,752,562 times
Reputation: 23658
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
OK, it seems as if most on here think you shouldn't stay married for the kids. Just one more question. When you talk about a father being involved, or in the children's life, what do you mean? Weekend parenting? Kids staying with the mom but "seeing" the dad? Or something equal, straight down the middle parenting time? I will not accept the former. I have been the primary parent, the one who has done most of the work, and I will not be reduced to a visitor.
There are many options, and it's up to you and your wife - or the state, if your custody hearing ends up in court. Would your wife be amenable to 50/50 shared custody? As long as you're not living far from their schools, I don't see a problem with one week on / one week off (or monthly, whatever).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:29 AM
 
Location: War World!
3,226 posts, read 6,617,139 times
Reputation: 4948
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
OK, it seems as if most on here think you shouldn't stay married for the kids. Just one more question. When you talk about a father being involved, or in the children's life, what do you mean? Weekend parenting? Kids staying with the mom but "seeing" the dad? Or something equal, straight down the middle parenting time? I will not accept the former. I have been the primary parent, the one who has done most of the work, and I will not be reduced to a visitor.
I respect the heck out of you for wanting to be a good dad and commend you for being there for your children. However, who says you have to only be a visitor? You can live apart from them but still see them on the weekdays and do activities with them and have them stay with you on the weekends or something. It's just a thought; I'm not trying to tell you how to be a dad but its just really sad to see the parents in the house living in the same place but not living and/or co-existing with each other romantically knowing deep down they really rather not be in the same house with them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-29-2010, 12:29 AM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,645 posts, read 38,532,038 times
Reputation: 11780
Quote:
Originally Posted by gizmo980 View Post
There are many options, and it's up to you and your wife - or the state, if your custody hearing ends up in court. Would your wife be amenable to 50/50 shared custody?
That's the thing that gets me about all this, and what keeps men in bad marriages when they would rather not be in them. They don't want to be screwed out of fatherhood by courts. Now, we all know the courts are supposed to be fair and not biased against fathers, and from what I hear, they are actually slowly leaning toward eliminating this historical bias, but I am still not willing to take a crapshoot in terms of my parental rights. Is my wife amenable to 50/50? I think rationally she would be, but on the other hand, one of the reasons I am not sure is that she is sort of unstable and vindictive and not always rational in her thoughts.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top