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That's the thing that gets me about all this, and what keeps men in bad marriages when they would rather not be in them. They don't want to be screwed out of fatherhood by courts. Now, we all know the courts are supposed to be fair and not biased against fathers, and from what I hear, they are actually slowly leaning toward eliminating this historical bias, but I am still not willing to take a crapshoot in terms of my parental rights. Is my wife amenable to 50/50? I think rationally she would be, but on the other hand, one of the reasons I am not sure is that she is sort of unstable and vindictive and not always rational in her thoughts.
Custody arrangements only reach the courts if YOU can't come to an agreement... I recently helped a friend through this process, and they ended up deciding on (rather complicated) arrangements with a mediator. So there's nothing at stake if you two are mature/civil enough, and able to figure things out on your own.
OK, it seems as if most on here think you shouldn't stay married for the kids. Just one more question. When you talk about a father being involved, or in the children's life, what do you mean? Weekend parenting? Kids staying with the mom but "seeing" the dad? Or something equal, straight down the middle parenting time? I will not accept the former. I have been the primary parent, the one who has done most of the work, and I will not be reduced to a visitor.
I had an unusual circumstance in that I basically got to decide what I wanted to do when. There was a court agreement, but my parents let me do my own thing. My dad lived close enough that he came to eat lunch with me at school and often picked me up so I didn't have to ride the bus. Etc.
Anyone who says they are staying together ONLY for the sake of the child/children is a liar.
there are usually a myriad of variables that factor into someone staying an unhealthy relationship, and children are just one of the variables. And often, children really aren't that huge of a factor in keeping them around, but amount of weight given to that variable factors in to the "stay or go" euation is greatly exaggerated to create a facade to try to sanitize the appearance of things and satiate egos.
With that said, I believe it takes strength to strike out on your own AND even to stay (although some believe staying is the convenient option). Some would even say being a financially stable single parent is more commendable than remaining in an unhealthy relationship for this mythological "staying for the sake of the kids" idea...
But each relationship is different and each couple has to weigh the myriad of variables at play on their own merits and contextually, paying deference to their own unique and distinct relationship.
So what was the driving reason for digging up a 6 year old thread? Is it something you are currently "living" through and wanted to jump start a discussion? Doing research on old threads pertaining to you personally and this one caught your attention?
While I do agree with your assertion that the whole stay or go decision is far more complicated than most make it out to be (my current marital situation), I wouldn't say that people are lying when they say "ONLY for the sake of children". It might be the overwhelming reason that occupies their mind as they make it day by day. Children can be a strong motivation....
My wife's mother stuck it out in her marriage to her husband until my wife was an independent adult in college. She always said that it was for the sake of her daughter. Whether or not that was a good decision is hard to say... but the husband can be verbally abusive and domineering figure. Times changed and society became more accepting..... for both a divorced woman and a gay woman. She "came out of the closet" shortly after finalizing the divorce and has been in a relationship with her partner for the last 10 years. So when she said she stuck it out for her daughter... I'm pretty sure she meant it.
So what was the driving reason for digging up a 6 year old thread? Is it something you are currently "living" through and wanted to jump start a discussion? Doing research on old threads pertaining to you personally and this one caught your attention?
While I do agree with your assertion that the whole stay or go decision is far more complicated than most make it out to be (my current marital situation), I wouldn't say that people are lying when they say "ONLY for the sake of children". It might be the overwhelming reason that occupies their mind as they make it day by day. Children can be a strong motivation....
My wife's mother stuck it out in her marriage to her husband until my wife was an independent adult in college. She always said that it was for the sake of her daughter. Whether or not that was a good decision is hard to say... but the husband can be verbally abusive and domineering figure. Times changed and society became more accepting..... for both a divorced woman and a gay woman. She "came out of the closet" shortly after finalizing the divorce and has been in a relationship with her partner for the last 10 years. So when she said she stuck it out for her daughter... I'm pretty sure she meant it.
So it wasn't ONLY for the kids, it was for financial footing and to get her bearings in terms of sexuality. Don't believe the hype.
And it's best practice to revive old threads when wanting to discuss an issue. CD is overrun with the same threads over and over again. A breakfast debate this morning among friends triggered a CD research.
So it wasn't ONLY for the kids, it was for financial footing and to get her bearings in terms of sexuality. Don't believe the hype.
And it's best practice to revive old threads when wanting to discuss an issue. CD is overrun with the same threads over and over again. A breakfast debate this morning among friends triggered a CD research.
Her mother had her own job/career. I don't know specifics but I would even say she was the higher earner as she purchased her own home shortly after the split. Father worked as a manager for a chain of movie theaters. Mother was an accountant for a big corporate. The father retained the original home until it was sold and he moved out of state.. then remarried. She was single person for a number of years before meeting her now partner.... quite capable of supporting her self.
As for sexuality, her explaination (I was a family friend a the time.. she came out to her daughter and then included me since I was "close" to her daughter) is that she did what women were always expected to do... get married raise a family. She and her mother (grandmother) always knew she was "different" but they are older and during their time society wasn't really forgiving. It was during her time as a single/dating gay woman did she "discover" herself. She had a bunch of short relationships. It was strange seeing a middle aged woman party every weekend like she was back in college.
Her mother (grandmother) was extremely supportive for her generation and remained supportive till she passed away at 98 years of age. Parents were Hungarian refugees (she was along for the trip . I think..), mother passed early in life, father couldn't support, and she ended up being raised in an orphanage. That type of experience either closes or opens your mind. I think in grandmother's case, she was the latter...
Judging from what she explained to us is that she would have considered divorce a lot sooner considering the drastic changes in women's equality/rights and the growing LGBT community support. However, as any good parent will do, they will place the child ahead of their own desires and needs.
There is a long line of strong and independent women in this bloodline.... my wife included.
As for this thread, it is a 6 year old dead thread... brought back to life for a rant?
I am not unhappily married for my kids' sake - I stay in the marriage because I want to be with them, but I am not blaming THEM for my misery. I am blaming my wife for making our lives miserable.
Your kids know this. Do you think that makes them happy?
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