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I think its a weird question but I have to ask this. I have been married for over 3 years now.
I am unable to understand if what I intend to do is right or wrong. Here is the background.
I live in Canada and here we have 3 levels of driving tests to get the license to drive on free way (over 100 kmph). I passed 1 level but some how, i am just unable to pass the second level. I failed (4 days ago). Twice. First time when I failed my DH was very supportive. Second time he was very angry; obviously and I deserve it.
He was being very mean and is putting me down at every possible situation since then. He called me a failure, disgusting and many more things I do not want to pen down here. He also said that even our kids would be a failure because of me, etc. he later came and apologized for this but once you say certain things, you cant take them back.
I started analyzing why am I being so nervous. It suddenly made sense that i am not worried about the road test itself but I am worried about my DH scolding me and putting me down. This is what is making me nervous.
Now my problem: I want to book a road test with OUT my DH's knowledge. If I pass I will tell him and if not, i will just not tel him. I know this is not the right thing to do but I really do not have the energy to hear all the abuses all over again, should I fail again.
Does this mean I would be loosing his trust on me? Should I do this or no? Am i going to hurt him if I go behind his back and give this exam?
What is your take on this?
P.S: I failed because I couldn't do parallel parking properly. In Canada the examiners are really strict. I know how to parallel park but I was so nervous that I was literally shaking.
I think its a weird question but I have to ask this. I have been married for over 3 years now.
I am unable to understand if what I intend to do is right or wrong. Here is the background.
I live in Canada and here we have 3 levels of driving tests to get the license to drive on free way (over 100 kmph). I passed 1 level but some how, i am just unable to pass the second level. I failed (4 days ago). Twice. First time when I failed my DH was very supportive. Second time he was very angry; obviously and I deserve it.
He was being very mean and is putting me down at every possible situation since then. He called me a failure, disgusting and many more things I do not want to pen down here. He also said that even our kids would be a failure because of me, etc. he later came and apologized for this but once you say certain things, you cant take them back.
I started analyzing why am I being so nervous. It suddenly made sense that i am not worried about the road test itself but I am worried about my DH scolding me and putting me down. This is what is making me nervous.
Now my problem: I want to book a road test with OUT my DH's knowledge. If I pass I will tell him and if not, i will just not tel him. I know this is not the right thing to do but I really do not have the energy to hear all the abuses all over again, should I fail again.
Does this mean I would be loosing his trust on me? Should I do this or no? Am i going to hurt him if I go behind his back and give this exam?
What is your take on this?
P.S: I failed because I couldn't do parallel parking properly. In Canada the examiners are really strict. I know how to parallel park but I was so nervous that I was literally shaking.
First of all you NOR anyone else deserves to be put down, called names and mentally abused which is what your husband is doing to you. Further, it concerns me that you think this behavior from his is perfectly acceptable and you have kids too?
If you can't parallel park, join the club. Many people can't and even here in the US, people fail for that same reason.
I'm sensing a cultural thing here, perhaps Indian? In whatever case, you need to stand up tall, tell your husband to back off and when you're ready you can take the test again. I would NEVER put up with my spouse, friend, boyfriend or anyone talk to me in that manner.
Yes, but it's not YOUR problem, see above poster, they really hit it on the head. My father made me a nervous wreck like that, but I'd NEVER put up with a situation like that from a husband or significant other. Have you ever experienced this put-down demeanor with him in other situations even slightly?
Another question, the other day I spilled wine on the hardwood floor. I mean, I was reaching for the glass and it fell and broke. Immediately the yelling began. I started cleaning off the mess but the he started yelling saying that I am negligent, I don't know what I am doing, how much effort it takes to lay the floor down, bla bla bla. But it was only wine on the floor (not even a carpet).
Also, recently i bought a pair of ear rings for $35. usually I think twice before spending money. So, after I failed the driving test, he started yelling, "oh, you think twice to pay $35 but then conveniently fail. Twice. Explain how this makes sense to you". Honestly I dont have an explanation. So I just kept quite.
Am I putting up with a verbal abuser? I am getting confused. I havent dated much before marriage and then this. So, I am unable to know if I am with a abuser or this is normal in every household.
Another question, the other day I spilled wine on the hardwood floor. I mean, I was reaching for the glass and it fell and broke. Immediately the yelling began. I started cleaning off the mess but the he started yelling saying that I am negligent, I don't know what I am doing, how much effort it takes to lay the floor down, bla bla bla. But it was only wine on the floor (not even a carpet).
Also, recently i bought a pair of ear rings for $35. usually I think twice before spending money. So, after I failed the driving test, he started yelling, "oh, you think twice to pay $35 but then conveniently fail. Twice. Explain how this makes sense to you". Honestly I dont have an explanation. So I just kept quite.
Am I putting up with a verbal abuser? I am getting confused. I havent dated much before marriage and then this. So, I am unable to know if I am with a abuser or this is normal in every household.
Yes, and it has the same effect as a physical abuser but is too overlooked. The longer you put up with or stay in that kind of situation the more screwed up and scarred you become.
Yes, and it has the same effect as a physical abuser but is too overlooked.
Oh. What should I do to change the situation? I am not contemplating divorce yet. Is there anything I can do?
Should I talk back? I tried this before but every time I open my mouth he has something witty to say back and I am dumbstruck all over again. When he yell, my heart keeps racing and I panic. So, I just keep quite.
Another question, the other day I spilled wine on the hardwood floor. I mean, I was reaching for the glass and it fell and broke. Immediately the yelling began. I started cleaning off the mess but the he started yelling saying that I am negligent, I don't know what I am doing, how much effort it takes to lay the floor down, bla bla bla. But it was only wine on the floor (not even a carpet).
Also, recently i bought a pair of ear rings for $35. usually I think twice before spending money. So, after I failed the driving test, he started yelling, "oh, you think twice to pay $35 but then conveniently fail. Twice. Explain how this makes sense to you". Honestly I dont have an explanation. So I just kept quite.
Am I putting up with a verbal abuser? I am getting confused. I havent dated much before marriage and then this. So, I am unable to know if I am with a abuser or this is normal in every household.
Let me put this into perspective for you. I've been with my b/f for over five years and can count on one hand how many times we've raised our voices to each other and during THOSE time that we did, it was a heated argument that was quickly resolved. He's never said hateful or hurtful things like your spouse does to you.
YES YES YES this is verbal and mental abuse. Your husband does not have a right to abuse you. This is NOT normal behavior. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and never scolded each other.
You need to look out for yourself and your children if he's going to be such an idiot. If you don't stand up for yourself now, it will only get worse.
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