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Old 07-15-2007, 12:06 PM
 
Location: VA
786 posts, read 4,723,156 times
Reputation: 1183

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My brother in law just hates my wife's family. He is forced to get together with them on a regular basis to keep his wife (my sister in law) and the kids happy. But he just hates the family and will not talk to anyone. To much bad blood. To much history. I do not really like my wife's family either but I only see them a few times a year and make nice. They live 300 miles away so that saves me from seeing them all that much. The angry brother in law lives only a few miles away from most of my wife's extended family, so he is stuck with them more often.

I think this brings up a good question. Would you agree to get together with people you just can not stand just because they were extended family? I am not talking about dislike, but just plain hate. What would you do?
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Reston, VA
965 posts, read 4,486,817 times
Reputation: 597
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dingler View Post
My brother in law just hates my wife's family. He is forced to get together with them on a regular basis to keep his wife (my sister in law) and the kids happy. But he just hates the family and will not talk to anyone. To much bad blood. To much history. I do not really like my wife's family either but I only see them a few times a year and make nice. They live 300 miles away so that saves me from seeing them all that much. The angry brother in law lives only a few miles away from most of my wife's extended family, so he is stuck with them more often.

I think this brings up a good question. Would you agree to get together with people you just can not stand just because they were extended family? I am not talking about dislike, but just plain hate. What would you do?
Hmmm, for me to hate being around a spouse's familiy, they would have to be involved in activities that I felt very uncomfortable around:

(1) Stealing money from my wallet.
(2) I had to constantly make sure I was not in a room by myself with various male members.
(3) Drug use.
(4) Heavy drinking with inappropriate behavior.
(5) Lots of stupid bickering and fighting amongst themselves.
(6) Demeaning things said to children.

That kind of thing, and I wouldn't go.

I don't put up with crapola from my own peeps; sure ain't gonna put up with it from a spouse's family.
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Jax
8,200 posts, read 35,366,751 times
Reputation: 3441
Default The story is all too common......

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dingler View Post
Would you agree to get together with people you just can not stand just because they were extended family?
I would and I do !

My husband and I are the "odd ones".......we believe in things like education, open-mindedness, NOT being racist - y'know, crazy stuff like that .

My husband's entire family is the opposite. When we go to the family gatherings, I am usually walking out of there in a stunned state. I cannot believe the things that are said and done (and it's all wrapped up in religion for them too - which makes it extra-odd).

We'll be poked at for all kinds of things, such as me being a "Yankee", our political beliefs, our choice to live in the city (they are in the country) - but we say nothing of theirs. You'd think the fact that we never poke "fun" at them would give them no reason for them to give us s**t, but they do....endlessly. I follow along with their group prayers, though I do not share their beliefs. I think I make quite an effort to keep the peace.

Every time we go, I want it to be the last time, but I go for my husband's sake. These days, we go less and less often and we both know that one day we will go no longer. They are family, but the bond is worn thin.

Amazingly, they don't understand why we don't come around more often and will sometimes "punish" us by not inviting us to an event .

There's no easy answer. I think you have to take it day by day, month by month, year by year and stick it out as long as you can. Cutting them off entirely has to be lived with as well .
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:23 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,256 posts, read 8,883,336 times
Reputation: 1848
For me, if I hated them, I would make darn sure I didn't live within 100 miles of them. That way they aren't likely to stop over whenever they want. Also, I would make it known I want people to call before they come over, that way you can make an excuse as to why they shouldn't.

So, I guess my answer is yes under normal circumstances. But only when I have to. And as long as they are not thieves or molestors.
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Old 07-15-2007, 07:11 PM
 
Location: God's Country
23,000 posts, read 34,291,968 times
Reputation: 31628
If I didn't like my husbands family and could not get along with them I would never had married him. I believe you do marry the person's family especially if they are close to their family.
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Old 07-15-2007, 07:20 PM
MsV
 
2,604 posts, read 1,078,226 times
Reputation: 871
ILNC, some of us weren't as smart as you were, and have had to live with sh-t ever since. I married at 20, liked my husband's family enough, just thought they were less social than others. Well.......they are crazy.......and I am a licensed clinical professional ~ they are crazy! Without going into all the reasons why (out of respect to my husband), after 37yrs of marriage to this wonderful man, I can assure you I have "made nice" for the last time. I see them when I have to, I invite them to everything...and WE explain to our children that they are never, ever to emulate anything they hear from Dad's parents or sister ~ it's a sad way to live, and often embarrassing, but it is what it is...it's an ever-present life-lesson in how NOT to be, for our family. Good luck and God Bless to anyone living with this miserable issue.

Last edited by MsV; 07-15-2007 at 07:30 PM..
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Old 07-15-2007, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 3,279,796 times
Reputation: 685
After what I have been through...NO...HELL NO !!

I have tried to work with in laws who treated me with disrespect, with a husband who did not stand up for me...and I am done.

Life is too short...I will no longer tolerate being treated like I am less of a person or worthy of being trampled like trash...I won't do it anymore and if someone loved me, they wouldn't ask me to do it.

I definetly would not put my daughter in a situation like that.

I get a kick out of women who go on about how they can't stand their fiance's family and then say "well I'm marrying him and not his family"...I always wonder how far into the marriage they realize that was a pipe dream.

My ex Mother in law lived in the UK and we lived here in Florida...somehow she still managed to be in the middle of everything...never again.
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Old 07-15-2007, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,917,021 times
Reputation: 4341
Quote:
Originally Posted by I LOVE NORTH CAROLINA View Post
If I didn't like my husbands family and could not get along with them I would never had married him. I believe you do marry the person's family especially if they are close to their family.

Yep! I agree. There might be some things that my MIL and I don't see eye-to-eye on, but she also knows I'm an adult and her son loves me and she respects that. She also knows that I'm not the type of person to sit back and not do anything, should someone be nasty towards me (I have a knack of being able to talk over someone's head while at the same time making them feel 2 feet tall. There are times when I have to catch myself and not go down that road.http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/smilies5.gif (broken link)).

My husband's father passed away many years before I even met my husband, so I only have a MIL (and a few nerotic SIL's to deal with). But they all live over 2,000 miles away! "Getting together" doesn't happen that often. But, overall, I'd say I got a lucky in the MIL dept. She's not a problem to deal with.

To answer the original question... I might find it hard to sit with others that irritate me (I don't have enough energy to hate people), seeing as how I would feel like speaking up and saying something. that might be a little too tough for me to do.
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Old 07-16-2007, 12:55 AM
 
7 posts, read 24,270 times
Reputation: 10
Hmm, I would get together with my spouse's family if I hate them only under the condition that I do not hate them for extreme reasons, such as those outlined by Virgo.

It's one thing to dislike being around people due to their beliefs, attitude, or etc, but if they behaved in such a manner, then it's simply better to not be around them.
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Old 07-16-2007, 05:49 AM
 
Location: VA
786 posts, read 4,723,156 times
Reputation: 1183
If I didn't like my husbands family and could not get along with them I would never had married him. I believe you do marry the person's family especially if they are close to their family.
=============================
Naive, because people change and you may not have been mature enough to see the problems when you met your spouse.
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