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He has, obviously, bonded to the child. He is providing a male role model for this child. You need to accept that he's going to be dealing with the child's mother as long as he's involved with the child or move on. If you can't deal with this, then don't. Get out. YOU can walk out without crushing a child. He can't.
On the bright side, it sounds like he'll make a great father. I think you're complaining about something you should be celebrating. Here's a man who has bonded with a child and doesn't dump the child when he and mom split. Do you know how many bio dads walk and never see their kids?
The most important man in the world to me, growing up, was my step father. I can't imagine how crushed I would have been if he and my mom had split and he just left. IMO, your boyfriend is doing a good thing. Either live with it or don't but you don't have the right to tell him he can't see this child. I just hope the child's mom doesn't meet someone else and take the child away as could happen here since he has no legal rights.
You are 20. You've got a few years. Give this one time. It may resolve itself if mom takes the child away or the child may grow on you.
FTR, one of the things that attracted me to my husband was he was raising a child who was not his. He could have walked away but he didn't. Believe me, that is a good thing.
Could really use some advice on this. My boyfriend and his mom still see his ex's daughter. She's 4 years old.
Stop right there. There needs to be boundaries. A 4 year old child will get over not seeing some guy that was her father figure when she was age 1-4. She will forget him cleanly and start fresh. The problem is that he and his mom won't disengage with her. For the sake of the child, it is probably best to let go. She will no doubt have many father figures in her life.
This doesn't necessarily mean that he has feelings for his ex. But he cannot expect to sustain this relationship at this level for life. When he gets married and has kids of his own, he is going to fill the void with his own children, and when he moves to a different location, she will be left wondering where her father figure went. It's not really about your relationship with him.
Stop right there. There needs to be boundaries. A 4 year old child will get over not seeing some guy that was her father figure when she was age 1-4. She will forget him cleanly and start fresh. The problem is that he and his mom won't disengage with her. For the sake of the child, it is probably best to let go. She will no doubt have many father figures in her life.
This doesn't necessarily mean that he has feelings for his ex. But he cannot expect to sustain this relationship at this level for life. When he gets married and has kids of his own, he is going to fill the void with his own children, and when he moves to a different location, she will be left wondering where her father figure went. It's not really about your relationship with him.
Actually, she won't. She'll percieve his absence as abandonment. That could set her up for relationship issues when she is an adult. In time, once the child is older, she may form a new relationship with, say, mom's new husband that may replace this one but, for now, this child is too young to understand why two very important people in her life just disappeared. How do you explain to a 4 year old "You're not really my child so you don't matter to me?" This guy is the only father this little girl knows. Father figures are very important to little girls.
It is wonderful that the mom allows visits and the guy who is the father figure still wants to be in this child's life.
Actually, she won't. She'll percieve his absence as abandonment. That could set her up for relationship issues when she is an adult. In time, once the child is older, she may form a new relationship with, say, mom's new husband that may replace this one but, for now, this child is too young to understand why two very important people in her life just disappeared. How do you explain to a 4 year old "You're not really my child so you don't matter to me?" This guy is the only father this little girl knows. Father figures are very important to little girls.
It is wonderful that the mom allows visits and the guy who is the father figure still wants to be in this child's life.
He can taper himself out. I've seen many men try to keep up their contact with their ex's kids but sooner than later it peters out.
He can taper himself out. I've seen many men try to keep up their contact with their ex's kids but sooner than later it peters out.
I think it will, over time and I think that, most likely, a new man in mom's life will take his place, however, you don't abandon a 4 year old. You let nature take its course.
Mom, obviously, picks men who bond with children so I'd guess the next man she picks will too. As that relationship grows, this one can wane, however, I doubt he'll ever be, completely, out of her life. I think visits will get farther apart over time but I do think he has a place in her life as long as circumstances don't prevent that (like one of them having to move away).
She may choose, in time, to no longer see him. She may choose to keep him in her life. It's not her fault she was allowed to bond with him and it could do, irreparable harm to take him out of her life. Issues with male abandonment often lead to promsicuity in teenaged girls.
He is doing a good thing. His girlfriend needs to concentrate on the fact that if he cares this much for a child that is not his, how much more will he care for his own?
And, seriously, given how much he cares for this little girl, I have to wonder how long a relationship with a girlfriend who thinks it's an issue will last. My guess is his current girlfriend will be gone long before this little girl. It is not attractive to see a grown woman upset because of attention a man gives to a child. She looks selfish and childish but sh'es only 20 so what do you expect? I'll be surprised if they're still together in six months...unless she looks really great in a bikini and then I'll give it 10 Assuming they live in the northern hemisphere....
Stop right there. There needs to be boundaries. A 4 year old child will get over not seeing some guy that was her father figure when she was age 1-4. She will forget him cleanly and start fresh. The problem is that he and his mom won't disengage with her. For the sake of the child, it is probably best to let go. She will no doubt have many father figures in her life.
This doesn't necessarily mean that he has feelings for his ex. But he cannot expect to sustain this relationship at this level for life. When he gets married and has kids of his own, he is going to fill the void with his own children, and when he moves to a different location, she will be left wondering where her father figure went. It's not really about your relationship with him.
I think it will, over time and I think that, most likely, a new man in mom's life will take his place, however, you don't abandon a 4 year old. You let nature take its course.
Mom, obviously, picks men who bond with children so I'd guess the next man she picks will too. As that relationship grows, this one can wane, however, I doubt he'll ever be, completely, out of her life. I think visits will get farther apart over time but I do think he has a place in her life as long as circumstances don't prevent that (like one of them having to move away).
She may choose, in time, to no longer see him. She may choose to keep him in her life. It's not her fault she was allowed to bond with him and it could do, irreparable harm to take him out of her life. Issues with male abandonment often lead to promsicuity in teenaged girls.
He is doing a good thing. His girlfriend needs to concentrate on the fact that if he cares this much for a child that is not his, how much more will he care for his own?
And, seriously, given how much he cares for this little girl, I have to wonder how long a relationship with a girlfriend who thinks it's an issue will last. My guess is his current girlfriend will be gone long before this little girl. It is not attractive to see a grown woman upset because of attention a man gives to a child. She looks selfish and childish but sh'es only 20 so what do you expect? I'll be surprised if they're still together in six months...unless she looks really great in a bikini and then I'll give it 10 Assuming they live in the northern hemisphere....
When he has kids of his own, how will he be able to maintain a relationship with his own family over time and this girl? At some point, his new family will have to come first. He shouldn't have feel obligated to be a father figure, for someone that's a part of his past, if he's going to have a future with someone else (the exception is biological children, of course).
This is why any relationship this guy wants to have may not work if he maintains this relationship. Something he'll have to think about if he truly wants to move on from his ex. If he can't let go of this relationship eventually, he'll won't be able to have a life and family of his own. If he starts now, she'll be able to move on long before adolescence kicks in.
When he has kids of his own, how will he be able to maintain a relationship with his own family over time and this girl? At some point, his new family will have to come first.
This is why any relationship this guy wants to have may not work if he maintains this relationship. Something he'll have to think about if he truly wants to move on from his ex. If he can't let go of this relationship eventually, he'll won't be able to have a life and family of his own. If he starts now, she'll be able to move on long before adolescence kicks in.
I agree. I mean, he's being a "nice guy" and all, I guess...Buuuuuuuut,,,
Honestly it kinda sounds like he's holding onto the failed relationship. This was an ex-fiance?! I mean, come on...That's serious biz...
I'm curious as to why they cancelled the wedding now...
It is a bit awkward, yes, especially since his family is so involved with them as well. Sounds like they are all holding onto something that, really, does not belong to any of them.
Maury ought to tell him he is: NOT THE FATHER!!!!
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Assuming they live in the northern hemisphere....
