Are you sick of small talk? (man, affair, friend, daughter)

[nighthouse66]

Originally Posted by Mooseketeer

I am terrible at small talk. I hate it. I was brought up in a very sociable environment where it was expected and I learnt to play the game at an early age but as a loner and introvert it is becoming harder and harder. It bores me silly.

I have little interest in "tittle tattle" and what I would term innocuous blandness when it comes to speaking with other human beings.

The whole point of interaction with human beings to me is to connect at a deeper level , to get to understand what people truly think on really important issues, how they genuinely see the world.

People seem unable and unwilling to ever be up-front about their ideologies ( if they have one at all which is another topic and even more annoying to me) , their beliefs, ideals etc... We are the only animals with the profoundly wonderful and life altering power of logic, intellect and true rationality. We are shaped by the world which makes us BUT also have this amazing ability to shape our environment, social and natural. We are thinkers, creators, philosophers, artists, scientists .... or could be.

People shy away from controversial subject mostly in my experience because it makes them uncomfortable to expose themselves and risk not being liked, not included in the "herd". We need to be validated as humans and having strong opinions is usually one easy and quick ticket to social ostracism. So we end up spouting vapid non-sense about generic topics of no worth whatsoever and in essence we disguise our true nature to the world just in case it rejects us and does not give us its seal of approval. I find that sad and disturbing.

I don't mean we need to go around shouting our political opinions and vociferating against others but I do believe there needs to be more of an open intellectual curiosity about the "other" and this means opening up a little more. The vapid and bland is safe but safe is way over-rated IMO.

The world is a fascinating place, it changes minute by minute , there are so many topics of interest which can engender a deeper connection to other human beings so why do we always stay onto this mainland of boredom rather than explore a few of the little off-shore islands once in a while.

Small talk is pointless. I literally cannot see what it is about. It is tedious and has no other purpose than simply talking for no other reason than because we have the power of speech. It is meaningless.

I personally prefer to have wider range of topics to discuss , especially on topics I am less than an expert so I can learn something new. This existence is about learning and intellectual discovery and this is never going to happen if all we do in our social interaction is to smile politely , discuss the weather and ask for the canapes to be passed....

It trivialises the whole human experience and it saddens me that we are unable to dig deeper and stimulate a little more energetic and intellectual discourse.


Thinking is what differentiates us from other living creatures. Let us use it not only to ourselves but also in our relationwhip with the world. I prefer being alone on the whole because people tend to bore me.

I always try very hard to be curious about them but the buck seems to stop there as it is extremely rarely reciprocated. I find that very disturbing that it always seems to be a monologue rather than a real exchange of ideas and views.

Perhaps I should be resigned to the fact that most people genuinely have little interest in the world around them and that current affairs, politics, social issues, the arts, science etc... are of no worth to them compared with shopping, sports or their own tiny world ... At 43 I think I am almost ready to become a semi-hermit.

I have too long been an introvert who has played society's game and I am tired of it. Hell is other people.

couldn't agree with you more. i sort of liken it to the radio. i simply cannot understand why most people would be quite happy just leaving the radio on the same station, maybe buying the occasional pop cd. to me music is a vast ocean and it is the soundtrack of the movie that is your life. it is SO important, can change your mood which can in turn change your destiny. conversation can be like that, if you dive into deeply enough. many is the time that a simple phrase from someone or a book we were talking about has piqued my interest and sent me off into another adventure. some of my favorite people are other loners, who might not have any other real friends besides me, who they often seem to look at as a social butterfly compared to them. but i relate to people who can't get along with the nonsense that comprises most of human discourse, because i know it can be otherwise. if it doesn't go deep why go there at all? its like going to a fine restaurant and insisting on a hamburger with fries. i can straddle two worlds, be very vivacious and the life of the party. but when i go home from the party i am always relieved. a genuinely good evening is coffee and fantastic conversation. my best friend back home, who is a guy, when we talk on the phone we both get as excited as little girls because we can blow each other's minds with new facts, realizations, new films, new thoughts. when the other option is talking about the weather or justin bieber then i will just sit my happy azz at home working on a project.

[Weatherfan2]

Originally Posted by Trimac20

Do you long for more intellectual stimulation in day to day conversations with real life people? I often find small-talk or non-intellectual talk rather boring and socially draining.

Yes, I can't be bothered with small talk.

I only talk if it is a necessity to get some kind of action done, like communicating with people working on a project, or organising something, even a minor thing in the household or whatever. Or like other people have said, if there is a deep and meaningful topic to be discussed, something intellectual, philosophical.

Some people I don't know as such but see nearly everyday but don't "small talk" with probably think I'm aloof/anti-social etc... because of it, but it's no reflection on my character other than to say I can probably run rings round them in the intellectual department and would be bored stiff talking to them hearing how drunk they got last weekend or what was on the TV last night as usual....

Don't I sound like the ultimate snob?

[Trimac20]

Originally Posted by Weatherfan2

Yes, I can't be bothered with small talk.

I only talk if it is a necessity to get some kind of action done, like communicating with people working on a project, or organising something, even a minor thing in the household or whatever. Or like other people have said, if there is a deep and meaningful topic to be discussed, something intellectual, philosophical.

Some people I don't know as such but see nearly everyday but don't "small talk" with probably think I'm aloof/anti-social etc... because of it, but it's no reflection on my character other than to say I can probably run rings round them in the intellectual department and would be bored stiff talking to them hearing how drunk they got last weekend or what was on the TV last night as usual....

Don't I sound like the ultimate snob?

I hate people talking about how wasted they got on the weekend - every weekend. Super retarded, imo. Or who they banged or whatever, .

[Stumbler.]

Originally Posted by Trimac20

That's true, there are shy extroverts, but the thing is when they say that introverts feel 'drained' by socialising, alot of draining is because they feel anxious and uneasy around other people or feeling like they have to try to fit in.

If you take the shyness out of it I'd say I'm still an introvert, in that sometimes conversation bores me and I simply don't find it interesting. Yet I there are times when I wish I were more confident and sociable. I think there is a relationship though: more extroverted people do tend to be more confident because they're naturally better at relating with people, hence that builds up their confidence. People with poor social skills often are never good with that because they don't take the effort to develop them.

Well, the thing is people always seem to conflate being introverted, shy and lacking social skills -- you are right in that the three can be connected but they can also easily be disconnected. Shyness is usually associated with being very self-conscious of one's image ("What will he/she think of me?"), which is something I couldn't relate to for quite a long time. I think I actually started becoming more self-conscious and aware of self-image when I became more outgoing.

I think I'd be what most people call on the introverted side and was even more so as a kid. I liked going to the library by myself to read (like you mention), in addition to other activities like spending long hours alone jogging through the woods, and feeding the birds in the park (I'm still a fairly young guy, but I think where I live, it wouldn't be socially acceptable to let your kids spend as much time alone outdoors now as I did).

But I definitely wasn't very shy or lacking in confidence at that age and in fact was often chided for being overconfident, rude and for speaking my mind when uncalled for, such as talking back to the teacher, being rude to annoying classmates and the like. I remember the many times I got hauled off to the principal's office for such infractions. When I confronted bullies who sneered at me, I'd throw back a sarcastic remark or insult them in kind, which once in a while got me into more trouble after school.

Being an introvert when young just made me more cocky and self-assured that I was the cleverest kid on the block and everyone else was insane (except the few other kids that were like me, and thus slightly more sane). It didn't "give me low self-esteem" or whatever the stereotype of introverts is (or was?).

[Dweet]

I'd rather have small talk with someone than hanging out with a boring, quiet person who has nothing to say.

[Trimac20]

Originally Posted by Stumbler.

Well, the thing is people always seem to conflate being introverted, shy and lacking social skills -- you are right in that the three can be connected but they can also easily be disconnected. Shyness is usually associated with being very self-conscious of one's image ("What will he/she think of me?"), which is something I couldn't relate to for quite a long time. I think I actually started becoming more self-conscious and aware of self-image when I became more outgoing.

I think I'd be what most people call on the introverted side and was even more so as a kid. I liked going to the library by myself to read (like you mention), in addition to other activities like spending long hours alone jogging through the woods, and feeding the birds in the park (I'm still a fairly young guy, but I think where I live, it wouldn't be socially acceptable to let your kids spend as much time alone outdoors now as I did).

But I definitely wasn't very shy or lacking in confidence at that age and in fact was often chided for being overconfident, rude and for speaking my mind when uncalled for, such as talking back to the teacher, being rude to annoying classmates and the like. I remember the many times I got hauled off to the principal's office for such infractions. When I confronted bullies who sneered at me, I'd throw back a sarcastic remark or insult them in kind, which once in a while got me into more trouble after school.

Being an introvert when young just made me more cocky and self-assured that I was the cleverest kid on the block and everyone else was insane (except the few other kids that were like me, and thus slightly more sane). It didn't "give me low self-esteem" or whatever the stereotype of introverts is (or was?).

Certainly, our own experience comes into play. As a child I felt very shy and moderately introverted. I would enjoy the company of my friends, and at times could be rather talkative, yet I was never good around strangers and I never got the knack of 'proper' conversations until into high school. I know a few people like you, but I know far more people who seem to me at least both retiring and lacking in confidence. Even when you give them the opportunity to speak up, they're so used to being in the background they don't know what to say. This was how it was with me at first, but if you get me going I love to talk for hours.

A side of me is self-conscious yet a side of me just doesn't care. I think you have something when you say the self-conscious impulse is the 'fitting in', 'grouping' impulse (my own words) while other aspects of the introversion tendency are sort of anti-social in general, i.e., 'i just don't want to play their game and I just don't care.' There's an interesting ambiguity, for sure.

[TKramar]

Not interested.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by Trimac20

Do you long for more intellectual stimulation in day to day conversations with real life people?

no, i do not. i get plenty of intellectual stimulation at work, the last thing i want is more of it at home.

what nourishes me in my personal life is fun and play and dancing and great sex and joy and happiness and delight. Not a bunch of intellectual posturing and snobs trying to impress me. It is boring and it is draining. Listening to my heart is more important and fulfilling to me than showing off my brain. They pay me for my brain at work. At home and in real life, my heart is my true treasure.

[nighthouse66]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

no, i do not. i get plenty of intellectual stimulation at work, the last thing i want is more of it at home.

what nourishes me in my personal life is fun and play and dancing and great sex and joy and happiness and delight. Not a bunch of intellectual posturing and snobs trying to impress me. It is boring and it is draining. Listening to my heart is more important and fulfilling to me than showing off my brain. They pay me for my brain at work. At home and in real life, my heart is my true treasure.

i don't think any of us here are trying to show off our brain when we say that we love heavy conversation. your presumption is akin to one of us deep-topic-introverts accusing you of being shallow and shying away from the deep stuff. and what makes you think that we are talking about brains here? last time i checked deep conversation also involved the heart and the spirit.

[rlrl]

when the topic of discussion is superficial, I wish it was more deep

when things get too deep, i wish they were more easier and loose

i've been like this for a long time...!