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Old 01-11-2011, 01:06 AM
 
41 posts, read 84,337 times
Reputation: 19

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I know this is sort of long, but I really need help from you guys. Thanks for reading in advance.

I've been seeing this guy since August 2010 and we've been in a relationship officially for a month. I couldn't address a right term to the "relationship" we had for the past few months though. We started "dating" each other in August, we did all the initimate things except for sex (which means we did everything except for intercourse). However, after we've been dating for a month, he brought over his girlfriend and his girlfriend started to throw questions at me (before that I thought he was single). So I talked to him saying that we should stop seeing each other, he didn't agree on that and neither I could let go. Then we ended up spending time with each other again. The fact that he was in a relationship put me through lots of stress in the past few months. To me, I see it as an ethical issue, I won't allow myself to date someone who is already in a relationship and neither can I accept to be his friend with benefits. Then I told him he has to be at least single to talk to me. One important thing to note is that he is a sexual being whereas I am a virgin. He likes intimacy VERY MUCH and I am not ready to have sex yet.

So anyways, at the beginning of December, he broke up with his girlfriend then asked me to be his girlfriend officially. I decided to give it a shot. He was pressuring me for sex and when I told him I am not ready to have sex with him, he thinks it's my responsibility to FIND HIM SOMEONE THAT HE CAN HAS SEX WITH. But with all the things happened in the past, they are all stuck in my mind. The fact that he can't be committed/monogamous (which is dating ONLY ONE PERSON from my perspective) hurts me a lot. I don't feel that I can accept him as a person. So I broke up with him after TWO WEEKS. After I broke up with him, we were still spending time together trying to figure things out, we still did some intimate things such as making out ( I am quite conservative, the fact that he was making out with me made me assume that we are back in a relationship again). However, I figured out that he claimed to two of his exgirlfriends that he is single. It hurt me a lot b/c I already assumed we were back in a relationship since we made out. Also, he had sex with a girl right away after two days of our break up.

So here is our problem, I don't think I will be ready to have sex with him soon. And I don't think that he will be able to wait. I talked to him about it, I wanted him to wait half a year (which is till I finish my undergrad). He said he will try to do his best (but deep down both of us know that he can't wait since he is really really into intimacy). I asked him if he can promise me that he does NOT make out/have sex with anyone else except for me. He couldn't make such a promise. (No one knows about the future, that's his words.) So The current situation is I broke up with him yesterday because he couldn't make such a promise and I know I am not okay with the fact that he can't be monogamous. Last night he came over to my place and we were trying to figure out a solution to our relationship. (So far I believe he sees himself as single).

FYI, he is 30 and I am 23.

Do you guys think that I should give him one more chance trying to work things out?
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Old 01-11-2011, 01:21 AM
 
Location: Tampa (by way of Omaha)
14,561 posts, read 23,012,670 times
Reputation: 10356
TL;DR. Need cliff notes.
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Old 01-11-2011, 01:22 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,113 posts, read 8,363,898 times
Reputation: 3721
He had a girlfriend while he was dating you.

He wants sex and you want to stay a virgin.

He wants you to find him someone else to have sex with, since you won't do it?

And he's telling other people he's currently single?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lemongrass View Post
Do you guys think that I should give him one more chance trying to work things out?
Work what out? Frankly it doesn't sound like you have a real relationship with him - it sounds like he's out for a good time with lots of girls, and you want a monogamous committed non-sexual relationship.
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Old 01-11-2011, 01:24 AM
 
Location: Australia
8,392 posts, read 3,479,007 times
Reputation: 40353
He's a jerk... especially bringing round another girlfriend after you'd been dating you for a month. My guess he did that to unsettle BOTH of you.

No, he doesn't deserve another chance. If he was really into you, he'd be more than willing to wait for you to be ready, and he certainly wouldn't be blackmailing you with threats of having sex with other women.

You dodged a bullet; let him go and be a jerk with someone else. You stick to your guns... move on. You'll be just fine.
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Old 01-11-2011, 01:37 AM
 
41 posts, read 84,337 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
He had a girlfriend while he was dating you.

He wants sex and you want to stay a virgin.

He wants you to find him someone else to have sex with, since you won't do it?

And he's telling other people he's currently single?



Work what out? Frankly it doesn't sound like you have a real relationship with him - it sounds like he's out for a good time with lots of girls, and you want a monogamous committed non-sexual relationship.

hmmm, you are right. But then, I probably won't mind having a committed sexual relationship when it's time. So far, he's done too many things that go beyond my boundary and there is no way that I can feel secured around him.
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Old 01-11-2011, 01:37 AM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,638 posts, read 20,130,445 times
Reputation: 28747
NO! He just wants to take your virginity.

Please save it for someone who will appreciate you for it.

You can't get that back after you give it away......
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Old 01-11-2011, 02:18 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,113 posts, read 8,363,898 times
Reputation: 3721
Quote:
Originally Posted by lemongrass View Post
But then, I probably won't mind having a committed sexual relationship when it's time.
Even if you were ready to have sex tomorrow, it wouldn't turn him into a committed monogamous boyfriend.

Bottom line, it's not about the sex, or you being a virgin - the two of you just have very different desires, and if you want a committed monogamous relationship he's the wrong guy for you.
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Old 01-11-2011, 02:22 AM
 
5,460 posts, read 7,746,080 times
Reputation: 4631
You sound like an amazing and very caring, nice girl; sweetie this guy doesn't even deserve you, if he is going to keep pressuring you, like that. Forget about this guy, and find someone who is going to respect your beliefs, and be willing to wait for you, as long as you need...someone who truly loves you, would gladly do that; trust me

Blessings and best of wishes to you, btw

Quote:
Originally Posted by lemongrass View Post
I know this is sort of long, but I really need help from you guys. Thanks for reading in advance.

I've been seeing this guy since August 2010 and we've been in a relationship officially for a month. I couldn't address a right term to the "relationship" we had for the past few months though. We started "dating" each other in August, we did all the initimate things except for sex (which means we did everything except for intercourse). However, after we've been dating for a month, he brought over his girlfriend and his girlfriend started to throw questions at me (before that I thought he was single). So I talked to him saying that we should stop seeing each other, he didn't agree on that and neither I could let go. Then we ended up spending time with each other again. The fact that he was in a relationship put me through lots of stress in the past few months. To me, I see it as an ethical issue, I won't allow myself to date someone who is already in a relationship and neither can I accept to be his friend with benefits. Then I told him he has to be at least single to talk to me. One important thing to note is that he is a sexual being whereas I am a virgin. He likes intimacy VERY MUCH and I am not ready to have sex yet.

So anyways, at the beginning of December, he broke up with his girlfriend then asked me to be his girlfriend officially. I decided to give it a shot. He was pressuring me for sex and when I told him I am not ready to have sex with him, he thinks it's my responsibility to FIND HIM SOMEONE THAT HE CAN HAS SEX WITH. But with all the things happened in the past, they are all stuck in my mind. The fact that he can't be committed/monogamous (which is dating ONLY ONE PERSON from my perspective) hurts me a lot. I don't feel that I can accept him as a person. So I broke up with him after TWO WEEKS. After I broke up with him, we were still spending time together trying to figure things out, we still did some intimate things such as making out ( I am quite conservative, the fact that he was making out with me made me assume that we are back in a relationship again). However, I figured out that he claimed to two of his exgirlfriends that he is single. It hurt me a lot b/c I already assumed we were back in a relationship since we made out. Also, he had sex with a girl right away after two days of our break up.

So here is our problem, I don't think I will be ready to have sex with him soon. And I don't think that he will be able to wait. I talked to him about it, I wanted him to wait half a year (which is till I finish my undergrad). He said he will try to do his best (but deep down both of us know that he can't wait since he is really really into intimacy). I asked him if he can promise me that he does NOT make out/have sex with anyone else except for me. He couldn't make such a promise. (No one knows about the future, that's his words.) So The current situation is I broke up with him yesterday because he couldn't make such a promise and I know I am not okay with the fact that he can't be monogamous. Last night he came over to my place and we were trying to figure out a solution to our relationship. (So far I believe he sees himself as single).

FYI, he is 30 and I am 23.

Do you guys think that I should give him one more chance trying to work things out?
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:04 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 5,573,656 times
Reputation: 3996
I don't hear any positives about this guy from your perspective that would lead me to take him back. Additionally, it sounds like you are looking for very different things in a relationship. I get the sense that there is strong attraction there on your part, but in terms of compatibility, I don't see much there. You want monogamy and he doesn't want to give that. You don't feel comfortable sleeping with him and he's pressuring you for that.

If you are looking for someone serious about you, I think it's a mistake to waste time with someone who you are incompatible with. I also strongly suspect that this guy doesn't really respect you and that getting you to have sex with him might result in him suddenly disappearing. I think if he cared, he would not be pressuring you to do something you were uncomfortable with.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:09 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,567,744 times
Reputation: 26727
RUN, RUN, RUN - quickly and away from him. Trust me, this is one nasty 30 year old player creep who will treat you no better than he does any of his other "girlfriends".
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