unconventional 'relationship'.. could it turn out to be more? (date, boyfriend, married)

[calamityroad]

goodness knows the responses i'm probably going to get from this epically long post, but i've never really explained my 'relationship' to strangers, so i'd like some 'outside' point of views perhaps.

as for me, i'm a 24 year old career single. i 'talk to' or 'date' someone until it gets too promising or serious or goes on for a more than a few months & then i feel suffocated & my daddy/trust issues kick in & i'm out the door.

bc of a bad first sexual experience, kind of a date rape situation i guess you'd call it, i was scared of sex & intimacy for many years. finally i decided to take matters into my own hands (always a bad idea lol) & face my fears, so to speak. i 'hooked up' with a few guys just to get the physical fear out of the way. i started out with a friendship with one person who sort of eased me into things, talked me through things, & let me explore things at my own pace. i relied alot on him emotionally as well but i had no interest in a relationship. he ended up meeting someone & we remain friends to this day.

i started trying to date again, be normal, & that just wasn't working for me. i got burned at one point & slipped back & went for a hook up to make me 'feel better'.. now, 7 months later, we talk almost every day, tell each other everything, & we have this amazing.. thing.

however, as much as i think i should want a relationship with this guy, i don't. but i don't want things to change. & neither does he. he's recently divorced (with a son), was with his ex from age 17-30, so he's never been single in his life & he's very excited to have no one to answer to.

as close as we are, we don't keep each other pinned down. on purpose. he knows i value my space & have alot to do on my own before i get into a serious relationship. he, like everyone else, needs 'his' time. he's an airline pilot, so he's constantly on the road. which gets lonely as a newly divorced. we're open about each other being able to sleep with other people. i, for my own reasons, am not interested in that. it's just not in my nature. it was a phase & now i'm over that.

so far, he's yet to sleep with someone else.. he's tried twice, but failed ha. however he tells me 'are you sure me telling you about this doesn't upset you? bc i know if you told me about another guy, i'd be kinda bummed' but i assure him it's fine. as long as he only is like this with me, we're good. & i want him to be open with me.

even though i'm not big on terms of endearment, he constantly calls me babe, sweetheart, darling, honey, etc. he tells me i'm his closest friend, his lover, his 'person', etc. he emails in the middle of the night to tell me he just got in to whatever city for a layover & tells me goodnight.

not to mention, the sex is amazing. he's sweet, patient, understanding, romantic, very giving & respectful. & we have a total open dialogue about our sex life & what we want to try that we've never tried & what do we like, etc etc. we're hardly out of each other's arms a second once we're together (which isn't as often as we'd like.. we're at the mercy of his company's scheduling).

so, just for curiosity's sake, not bc i want to act on it any time soon, i'm always wondering 'does he have legitimate feelings for me? when he's ready for a relationship again, will he want me?' i honestly can't imagine not being with him. i've never constantly been involved in any way with someone for this long (sad, right? 7 months is a drop in the bucket for most people lol) & been this open & comfortable & close.

i don't know. this is getting ridiculously long. i guess, out of all of this, does it sound like he may have feelings/this may have the potential of a normal relationship down the road? bless you if you've read this much!

[sskkc]

Go read the book 'He's not that into you'. That should answer some questions for you. It's a harsh lesson, but one so few girls, especially those with 'daddy issues' or sexual abuse in their past, have a hard time learning.

[AK-Cathy]

My best guess having read what you've said is this: As long as you are happy with your arrangement as it is, then there is no problem. If you are hoping that this relationship will last or are hoping for more at some point in the future, I believe that you are going to be disappointed.

Having spent a lot of time around pilots, the work culture does not exactly encourage a rich domestic life. Quite a few of the married pilots that I knew had other women on the side, some had "open" relationships. It was so prevalent that I steered clear of the lot of them when looking for a serious partner though I dated a few in my day. Just my observation.

His actively seeking to find other sexual partners and your not doing so is telling about the inequity of intentions. If what you are experiencing can be kept in the context of a "practice" relationship and if you are fine with that, then no worries, but I sense that this isn't where your heart is. Take care.

[imsh0t]

I think hes in this relationship just for sex. Relationships that start with sex usually never take off beyond that. Especially an open one. If you think this is any semblance of a real healthy relationship your mistaken.

I think you need to confront your own issues before even trying for a relationship. Your past relationship history tells alot about how badly your experience has affected you. I think a good (try several) therapist would do wonders for you. It really will open your eyes for the first time and probably change your life completely. (for the better)

[calamityroad]

thank you all for your thoughts. i appreciate it.

i'm honestly not sure i CAN see us ever being in a relationship anyway, even though i don't like to think of it bc it's fun to think of the possibilities. we have alot of things differing that are important to me. either way, we've already said we think we'll always be friends if nothing more. i do want to have him in my life regardless of if it turns out. at this point, my line of thinking is just.. down the line, whenever i'm ready & able, at this very moment he seems like the likeliest option. which is still unlikely, so there you have it lol.

victorhe33, no way do i think this is healthy OR a 'real' relationship. it's definitely off the beaten path, but it just happens to be where we both are comfortable. we know that one day will change & we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. we just know, whatever happens, we don't want to hurt the other one.

[sydney1987]

don't do it. you're only 24, that's really young.... a lot of other opportunities out there dont get hung up on one person who u obviously have doubts about

[h886]

You sound like a nice person. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Have you ever considered therapy? I know some people take that as an insult and please trust that it's not how it was intended. It can be such a valuable tool for working through tough stuff in your past so that it doesn't hold you back from a happy future. When I read how you get close and push away, how you have trouble with the idea of being in a real, fulfilling relationship, it seems like maybe it could do you some good.

Like the others have said, I worry that you will end up being hurt by this guy. He said he was out for FWB and wants to be able to sleep with others. If he wanted to be exclusive, he would ask, and he hasn't. Don't lose sight of that. He is also fun to be with in the short term for quick NSA sexual encounters, but being available to get laid a few times a month is a very different thing from being a boyfriend. Don't mistake him liking sex with no requirements of him with genuine feeling. The bedtime calls take a few minutes of his time, like emails. Easy to whip off and keep you on the hook for the reward of NSA sex whenever he's in your town.

You deserve more than a guy who thinks you are good enough to get him off and nothing more.