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Old 01-14-2011, 03:54 AM
 
2 posts, read 11,332 times
Reputation: 10

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well where do i start
big change for me
i've been living alone for quite some time
kids are 13 and 16
16 year old daughter is lazy and disrespectful
no job, no drivers license, no desire to get either
i'm confused as to my role in her life
not married to mom = not "step-father"
not my house = sometimes doesn't feel like my "home"
kids never had male role model / father figure in the home
do i take on role of parent
do i discipline
having hard time accepting kids behavior
confused and tired of losing sleep
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:28 AM
 
Location: North Western NJ
6,591 posts, read 22,293,018 times
Reputation: 9621
talk to your gf and find out whats expected of you...
you dont take the position of parent unless she makes it clear she will back you up in that position...

its all too common in these types of relationships for major failure because mommy/daddy doesnt make it clear or doesnt support their new partner when it comes to the kids, and friction becomes inevatable.
the teenager will be esepcaially hard, teens are obviously hard to deal with in general, but when this situation comes up...if you dont have support from her mother, you dont stand a chance.

you need to sit down and seriously discus your role now your living there.
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:36 AM
 
6,493 posts, read 10,486,453 times
Reputation: 10999
Honestly, why did you do this to yourself?

You are not their parent, just mom's shack-up. Don't even TRY to parent these kids, it's not like they're little. Don't expect them to change their behavior because YOU'RE there in THEIR home.

Really, just move out. This will never work.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
1,031 posts, read 2,198,896 times
Reputation: 731
Please repost in "Relationships" forum.

As for your dilemma, you are not the parent or caregiver to either one of the children and have no role in raising them. Once you've known the kids for a long time and gained their trust, then you can consider offering advice; until then, they won't want to hear your opinion.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:04 AM
 
Location: The South
17,977 posts, read 24,883,731 times
Reputation: 6559
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Honestly, why did you do this to yourself?

You are not their parent, just mom's shack-up. Don't even TRY to parent these kids, it's not like they're little. Don't expect them to change their behavior because YOU'RE there in THEIR home.

Really, just move out. This will never work.
Agreed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristin85 View Post
Please repost in "Relationships" forum.
Agreed again.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:05 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
29,007 posts, read 45,573,532 times
Reputation: 9004
This post is off topic for the Connecticut Board so I am moving it to the Relationship Board. JayCT, Moderator
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 81,524,543 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Honestly, why did you do this to yourself?
Exactly. My sincere condolences.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:16 AM
 
9,412 posts, read 12,308,780 times
Reputation: 20246
These are the issues to discuss BEFORE you move in.

As the live-in boyfriend you have no business disciplining her children.

The most you can hope for is a semi-friendly relationship with them but already your attitude toward her daughter speaks volumes about how you feel about her.

You need to talk to your girlfriend about what she wants from you in regard to the kids.

Terrible situation, you should never have moved in to begin with without having very clear guidelines on how the dynamics would play out.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:25 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,369 posts, read 13,310,035 times
Reputation: 10342
Quote:
Originally Posted by mr65 View Post
well where do i start
big change for me
i've been living alone for quite some time
kids are 13 and 16
16 year old daughter is lazy and disrespectful
no job, no drivers license, no desire to get either
i'm confused as to my role in her life
not married to mom = not "step-father"
not my house = sometimes doesn't feel like my "home"
kids never had male role model / father figure in the home
do i take on role of parent
do i discipline
having hard time accepting kids behavior
confused and tired of losing sleep
Well any woman who'd just move a shack-up buddy into her house with her kids isn't going to be much of a mother. And that the kids have never had a male role model tells you that she is dysfunctional, has never had a serious & healthy relationship. You made a big mistake moving in without defining your role. I think you should get out ASAP.
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:20 AM
 
18,464 posts, read 16,157,237 times
Reputation: 41857
Those poor kids, having to be exposed on a daily basis to mom's live in lover. Gross.

I would never do that to my kids. Marry mom or move out. Even in 2011 this situation is sketchy.
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