Dating a recently divorced guy, need some advice. (women, single, family)

[Sealtite]

Yeah I think I can clear this up pretty quickly. I'm a 35 year old man. Got divorced at 29. Never remarried. My ex-wife cheated on me, and thanks to the no-fault divorce laws in our state, was awarded pretty much everything in the divorce. She was very calculating and deliberate prior to the separation (I had no idea she'd been having an affair). She drained our savings account, tweaked a mortgage refinance so that I would be held liable to pay the loan off after the divorce (she was an accountant), and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Luckily she and I had no children, so after it was all said and done I'd lost my home, my savings, and had to start at zero again....But at least I never had to see the ***** again.

As a man, once you've been ****ed over like that......You THINK before you act again. Plain and simple. Divorce / family court isn't a nice place to find yourself at in America when you've got a penis. My eyes were opened five years ago.

Sorry ladies......Once is enough for me! MGTOW FOR LIFE!

[petal1]

In my humble opinion there's one thing you don't want to be when YOU are serious about the guy: a rebound girl. If you only want to have fun, by all means go for it. If you are in love and look for something serious: leave. Somebody who just comes out of a relationship, whether it be marriage or any other relationship, has to heal. You're not a band-aid.
I'd say: walk.

[TheEarthBeneathMe]

I've been divorced for one year. My first relationship after divorce, I thought I wanted a real relationship. Eventually we were holding hands, spending each day together, and she blurted out "I love you."

Reality hit me then. I wasn't ready for that, and we broke up.

I've been on numerous dating sites since, and have been with about 6 girls. So far, there's only one I feel distinctly different for, and would want to pursue something more serious with. With everyone else, something has been slightly off. Not so with her, but she's not ready for that. So I'm kind of just dating around, and somewhere between giving her time/moving on.

I have a much better idea what I want/don't want, and would love to get married again.

But to the right person...

[divorced guy]

Ive been, maybe am that guy. Recently divorced and dated a very nice woman. I ended up hurting her. I dont think ive ever felt so awful. So yes, time is needed. Im not a bad guy. I just didnt see it, and she paid for it. I couldnt be sorrier.

[funymann]

Sounds like he needs some S E X.

[michelle5466]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

sigh...NEVER be the first person a divorced guy dates after his divorce. They are so messed up that you shouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole. Walk away honey.

I was the first person he dated while he was still in the process of a HORRIBLE divorce, and I had recently gone through one as well. I joked with him (and still do) that I had finally met someone more messed up than I was.

Well...after a couple months of dating, he totally went off the deep end, abruptly quit contacting me, and seemingly dropped off the planet. I figured maybe he had gotten back with his ex (he didn't), but I didn't pursue him at all.

A year and a half later, he found me and pursued me again. We hung out occasionally (as platonic friends...my decision). I pushed him away for months because of the way things ended before, and also because he is way younger than I am. Finally (his good looks and charm helped) I gave in. I'm very glad I did. We have been happily dating for 6 months, and it is all good. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing.

[nokiddin]

Originally Posted by sadie03

Ok, so I'm 26, and dating someone recently divorced is new to me. I met this guy a few months ago, who had gotten divorced this summer due to infidelity. He started calling me and such and was incredibly eager to get to know me. I was very reluctant at first, explaining to him I was weary of being his rebound, etc. He managed to convince me that he was over that, that he liked me. He started out like most dating scenarios do, he was eager to make plans, kept in contact with me and such. Then all of a sudden he just stopped. He told me that he was kind of messed up still, wasn't ready for a relationship, but still wanted to spend time with me. I was ok with that, as I had just gotten out of a long term relationship prior to meeting the guy. I'm still dating the guy, I see him a few times a week, but I'm starting to maybe feel more of an attachment to him. I guess my question for anyone who knows what is going through a guy's head in this situation is: should I stick with this or walk away?

About a year ago, I was that guy. I found a gf within a couple of months after divorce was final. she was 23. we dated 6mos, sex was great, i met her parents, talked about moving-in plans. problem was i couldnt disconnect from my ex-wife --you can't just unplug overnight, there is a transition period where you're still untangling from each other. Anyway, although my gf and i had other relationship challenges, i soon discovered that i wasnt ready to deal with any relationship drama or issues. i just wanted to have a good time until the dust settles and i figure out what's my next life chapter, cuz i gotta rewrite it. They say it takes at least 2yrs to recover from a divorce. I still have another year to go, but the love drug could help with the cure too, at least i think.

Long story short, he is not emotionally available for you. how would you like to proceed?

[jzcrandall]

I've been in this boat myself. I left my ex-wife after we were married for 11 months because she became abusive. After my divorce I had zero confidence. I remember my first hookup after I moved out; she had to make all the moves. Then there came my first girlfriend after our separation, who had broken up with her fiancee. Our entire relationship was spent talking about each other's exes, but she ended up dumping me because of my external appearance (so that set me back even more). It took me years to become the overly confident and flirtatious individual that I am today.

Each divorce is different, and each man is different. I can only speak of my experience and how dating me right after my divorce would've been a bad idea.

[MuddlingThrough]

First, I have to say thank God for the internet and all of the people who have posted on this thread. I probably wouldn't have gotten the clarity I needed to help me understand exactly what was happening without your posts. H886, Michelle5456 and Divorced Guy all helped me see things in a different light (well, all of you did).

Back in August I started the whirlwind romance with a man who had been divorced five months, separated over a year prior to that and seemed ready to date. We met on a dating site and for those first six or so weeks, it was awesome! I followed his lead on everything. I didn't want to seem needy or throw out the love words, but I was feeling it and I could tell he was feeling it too. We went on dates, went to movies, stayed in, cooked dinner and were perfectly comfortable sitting on the couch holding hands watching bad movies or college football... we just fit! He talked about future things that he and I would do and I got sucked in. Loved the attention of what seemed true and genuine.

He also has children who do not live close by so every other weekend he would hit the road to go see them. I looked at it like a nice break. I could clean my house, catch up with friends etc. while he spent time with his friends and family back home. His ex-wife is already remarried and he kept convincing me that they have a very amicable relationship when it came to the kids, but he also told me about the betrayal and the debt she left him with.

So, he was cheated on, has a house where he is underwater with a loan and can't afford it, bills that she took her name off of and left him holding the bag. He still didn't seem too put off by it, but it was brewing. He filed bankruptcy and we were still doing somewhat ok, but he had become incredibly distant. The texts didn't come like they used to. At one time it was just to send me a reassuring text of how much he liked me... all throughout the day I would get those kinds of messages and random silly ones, to hardly nothing at all. He also ended up going home right after work instead of swinging by my house which was on the way and the excuses started mounting. Either because of a bad day or things he had to send to the lawyer's office. He was always apologetic and said he'd make it up to me. Whenever we did get to spend an evening together, I just melted and it was like nothing was wrong. And just to be clear, sex wasn't the issue. During those first several weeks we were intimate and it was awesome, but it wasn't like it was just for that purpose of just having a sex buddy. Toward the end, we hadn't been intimate in over a month so probably 6 weeks of fun and seven weeks of nothing. There's much more to that than is even worth going into on this thread though.

Something didn't feel at all like a cozy feeling. You know that 'gut' feeling and I asked him about it. He apologized and said he was sorry for being distant, just a lot going on and it was him, not me, but we'd get through it. Two weeks later, it was over. He came to my house to break up, but it's still like I had to initiate the dialog. He didn't want to be the bad guy, I think he wanted my to just break up with him to lessen his guilt, but it was him. So, in under three months I had the most intense feelings on both ends of the spectrum. I wrote him an email the next day that upon looking back, probably pushed him over the edge and even tried to convince him that I'll take the good with the bad just so long as I knew we were together and to not ruin a good thing and let's see where this leads. That's kind of like being a part-time girlfriend. Why would I do that??!?! But I would have on that day.

After the initial shock and still not knowing if we were really broken up or not, (because he said he would call and we would talk some more) I turned to reading about divorced men running scared and divorced men unable to commit and had a LOT of great advice and reading about it all. He has issues and told me he did. I just thought we would get through it together. He was nothing but honest in our breakup discussion and hates so bad that he has hurt me this way. He said he never ever expected to fall so hard, so fast for someone who seemed so right that it scared the mess out of him. I took all of those words and started reading about everything I could get my hands on and my final text to him was to let him know that "I couldn't hate him for being honest with me and that if time and space is given for you to grieve, process and heal, you will find your way back. I have accepted that it's bad timing and maybe somewhere down the road there will be better timing. It would be bad for both of us to try to work through this now because I would just be on edge wondering when you would finally break it off anyway. You need to be healthy in your head and heart before starting a relationship with anyone else. I hope that when you have reached that point, you will contact me and not forget about me and maybe we will both be in a good place to try things again."

So I hope I handled it the right way. The wounds are still fresh and I still cry and I still hope for something, but I know I will get through it. I still wonder though, will he ever reach back out? We had a great romance and he was very 'into' me and as honest as he knew how to be. Right now, I don't want to be the transition or rebound girl, even though that's what the definition says I am, I'm just hoping we stopped soon enough that maybe once his head and heart have healed that he will reach back out. I really did fall hard for him. And I know it will probably be a year if he did, but has anyone ever had a successful relationship with their rebound after they have broken up? Make any sense?

Thanks for reading and responding if you are able.

[voa_vv3]

I have a page or two on a few social networks... They may shed some light on my mind... I try to be honest with myself while posting... sometimes feel I post too much information... I'm 42yo... I've been separated since 2008... divorced in 10/2013... just changed careers... trying to further my education in a new field, work as a contractor, create a comfortable home & raise my family... I have my three children living with me 95% of the year... So, if you would like to really understand a divorced mans mind, just ask... I dont know if I represent the general population or just my weird little mind... But what the hell, I just may learn something about myself that I've previously obviously kept overlooking... I just dont know how to go about it...

Mod cut: personal information

Originally Posted by tatiana1

Obviously I have never been married so don't know anything about a divorce but I just want to understand. What exactly messes up divorced guys????? I am trying to understand the process for the sake of my sister who is dating a divorced guy. She says he is nice but is just irritable. Every little thing makes him mad which makes me think he must be mad @ his ex-wife. Any thoughts as to what goes on in a divorced guy's mind? I would think a divorce brings some type of relief to the concerned parties since no one wants to be in an unhappy marriage. I say that because they would not be divorcing if it was a happy/peaceful marriage.