Dating a recently divorced guy, need some advice. (realize)
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I realize this thread is about issues involving dating a recently divorced man but would like to point out that women go through exactly the same emotional ups and downs following a divorce. It's not just a "man thing"!
And, to the last poster, voa_vv3, never put your email address on an open forum. If someone wants to contact you they can do so via the private message app on the forum by clicking on your user name and scrolling down.
Walk away. When a man says he isn't ready for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. they don't lie about that. He isn't ready to date. And once he IS ready to date, he will dump you because you are a part of his transitional phase. I know it will be a bit painful to walk away now, but believe me, the pain you are going to feel later will be much worse. I am speaking from personal experience, sad to say!
That scares me as there is a guy I've been talking to who went through the same thing.
Not only did he say he isn't ready for a relationship, but that a normal friendship would scare him if it became too intimate, and that his divorce has exhausted him.
But also says he isn't trying to push me away though.
Some guys don't have the skills to cope with their emotions on their own (grieving the loss of the marriage, loneliness, fear of being alone in the future, etc.) so they get right back into a relationship.
Yes, women go through the same stages. But women (on average, not all women) tend to have more skills for understanding and predicting their own emotions, and for coping with them in productive ways. This includes building and maintaining a network of friends.
Women are more likely to understand that their impulse to go right out and get a new partner is an impulse, not a practical plan. They still might not go and get laid . But they will be clear that's all it is, and they will not expect sex to erase their feelings about the divorce. They know they still have to process that stuff in the morning, and how to do it. Mostly .
Oh brother!!!!! I was married 21 years. Out of that for a year and a half and was introduced to a woman (my age) who was divorced 15 years and has a 26 year old handicapped daughter (happy wonderful person).
We had about the best first date ever and started seeing one another BEFORE I was legally divorced. We agreed to keep it light, and things seemed fun and easy.
Well, it got intimate and BOOM I was so into this woman. She told me she knew she was probably going to get hurt, but didn't care. She said "I'll love you through this." She told me she loved me first, and I blanched.... It was the first uneasy feeling I had.
It lasted from July until December of 2013.....That's when one night she burst into tears and told me she felt she was more invested in the relationship than I. I was floored!!!!!!!!! I was with her several days a weeks and weekends, and it was all good. I asked her what she expected and she seemed to calm down for awhile.....
Then at Christmas I went bonkers....... All her children, traditions, family....I was accepted by them fully, and it scared the crap out of me. Long story, but we cooled things off, but still saw each other, but it was not the same. It went on like that until recently when she didn't return one of my seldom text messages asking her if she was busy that Saturday. NOTHING. Radio silence. I stayed cool, but knew this was it.
I persisted calling her (voice mail - I think she even blocked me) and she eventually responded by email "Dearest (my name). I can't do this to myself any longer. Thank you." Thank you??????
Well, maybe she read this thread, but she has not returned one call or attempted contact.
Ladies...... I was seeing her less and less. The daily text were few, and if I did text I often talked about other stuff. I had somewhat of a relationship, but wasn't into it and I hurt her badly.
Then something came over me (I avoid conflict.... don't deal well. I am a pretty happy guy most of the time). I got angry. Like boiling mad that after all her assurances and understanding she was now ALSO kicking me to the curb. (Like my ex wife perhaps.......) So, I took all the stuff she gave me, put it in a bag, and dropped it off at her house. I DON'T DO THIS STUFF, but it was if I was taking out my hurt and anger on her. It was wrong. So wrong. I just left the bag there, but I did see a new car in her driveway at 5am......Then as I was driving away, it hit me. She took control of her life, and I wasn't.
Well, it all bubbled up. I cried for two days and so missed her, but I realize now that I was nowhere near ready for her. She has so much to give......... but I have to march forward and I feel like I've started my divorce over again. Maybe being with a woman too soon held me back from grieving and healing, now I have all the time in the world to work through that, and IT SUCKS. My advise to woman is to stay clear of men like me.
I wanted to be loved, and when I found that, I could not fully embrace it. It's a kinda hell to be in and I guess I just have to see what happens.
So, what do divorced men do after 2-3-4 years after being not married? Does this ever get better?
Some guys don't have the skills to cope with their emotions on their own (grieving the loss of the marriage, loneliness, fear of being alone in the future, etc.) so they get right back into a relationship.
Yes, women go through the same stages. But women (on average, not all women) tend to have more skills for understanding and predicting their own emotions, and for coping with them in productive ways. This includes building and maintaining a network of friends.
Women are more likely to understand that their impulse to go right out and get a new partner is an impulse, not a practical plan. They still might not go and get laid . But they will be clear that's all it is, and they will not expect sex to erase their feelings about the divorce. They know they still have to process that stuff in the morning, and how to do it. Mostly .
Thats why it woudl be nice if cheap prostitution were avalible so that men were not under pressure to comit otherwise go without sex. Thats really the only reason why guys do it becuase there are fewer women that agree to such an arrangement. This sort of FWB dating dynamic is really not good for anyone but it is what it is.
Prostitution? Hardly.......... I want deep passion, and my feelings for this woman got out ahead of my emotions. Someone on this thread wrote about coming on strong and then wrote about things going down quickly.
Exactly what happened to me.
I felt odd at first because I didn't know what was happening to me in this new world of dating. I started thinking there was something seriously wrong with me, then I started finding things about her I didn't like..... NOT GOOD.
THAT'S when I heard the nickel drop.............
The error she made was accusing me of being distant. Did she think I would just snap out of it? Truth is, she had given up her power, knew she was dating a guy who was not there for her. If she didn't care, I am sure we would have broken this off months ago, but I kept calling her, and she kept coming out. She had real feelings for me, and I her. It wasn't about the sex (for me anyway) but sex was a place where we could show passion and we could both commit. Using that as the primary way to define a relationship is NOT healthy, and I really regret my ultimate reaction after being dropped like a rock, but I'll get over it.
I never really fought back before in relationships, and when my marriage was over even though it was not my decision, I knew without a doubt we were in major trouble years before. She cheated which was compounded by her actually rubbing my nose in her affaire. It was cruel, but I also realize she was doing that partially for her closure. If she could be as mean as possible, she would know that I would give up and walk. Which I did.
By ME leaving and ME breaking contact with my now ex put the spotlight back onto her (nobody to blame anymore) and before I knew it, she broke things off with her BF (she suddenly decided he was a "control freak"....lol) and shortly after that wanted to work on our marriage. This was well past me begging her to try counseling, giving it more time....whatever it took - but was instead tourchered ) I don't forgive her, I don't trust her, and that lack of constant high anxiety, depression, fear, and bad self image are not welcome back. She now says we must have contact for the sake of out children (19 and 21.....Who the eff is she kidding!???) So, my answer to her is that it would be nice, and that I really would prefer to trust her, but I can't and WON'T. You see, the dynamic between us was that if she push a crumb of positive attention on the floor, one might have thought I had won the Olympics.... I had given ALL MY POWER to her years ago. I worked nicely for her to control me, but when I upset that dynamic, I took back my power and she was left off balance. Therefore, I am on guard to recognize what that means. It means she wants something from me, and its just never good for me.
My point is, I understand that unhealthy dynamic. I would tell my now ex GF what I would tell my own daughter (if I had one) and do exactly what I did at the end of my marriage. Walk....... It's scary, heartbreaking, and sad, but must be done. I guess the best one can hope for is that when this person (me) get's my act together, their might be a chance to reconnect, but working on your own "stuff" with that as the goal, is a waste of time. First, it smells like manipulation, and second, it takes the focus off you to get healthy again.
Ok, so I'm 26, and dating someone recently divorced is new to me. I met this guy a few months ago, who had gotten divorced this summer due to infidelity. He started calling me and such and was incredibly eager to get to know me. I was very reluctant at first, explaining to him I was weary of being his rebound, etc. He managed to convince me that he was over that, that he liked me. He started out like most dating scenarios do, he was eager to make plans, kept in contact with me and such. Then all of a sudden he just stopped. He told me that he was kind of messed up still, wasn't ready for a relationship, but still wanted to spend time with me. I was ok with that, as I had just gotten out of a long term relationship prior to meeting the guy. I'm still dating the guy, I see him a few times a week, but I'm starting to maybe feel more of an attachment to him. I guess my question for anyone who knows what is going through a guy's head in this situation is: should I stick with this or walk away?
I know this is an old topic, but if there are any women out there in a similar situation, I think my advice is super sound and will benefit you.
PUMP THE BREAKS NOW!!!
Been there, done that.
Let me tell you what's going on. Yes, he was honest with you about him being messed up still...but did you notice he's not too messed up to want to be in your life? If he was truly not ready for a relationship and he realizes he's dealing with the emotional aftermath of the divorce, he would do what we women tend to do after breakups- STAY SINGLE FOR A WHILE, get counseling, figure out where he went wrong in the relationship so that he won't repeat the same mistakes again in a new one.
He's playing on your sympathy. He just may be looking for an emotional fixer. He knows that women are taught to be more emotional, understanding, compassionate, etc so don't be surprised if he confides in you, tells you his 'deepest' secrets, etc.
Let me ask you this- does he talk about what happened in his previous marriage a lot? If he does, don't think by listening to him that he's sharing and sees so much in you to talk to about such things. Trust, it will backfire, some way somehow. Usually you will notice it when you begin to talk about your hurts, feelings, opinions, past relationships, etc.
My method now when men start talking to me about their issues off the bat is to refer them to a great psychologist or therapist. I even let them know their employer may offer an EAP (employer assistance program) where they will foot the bill of the sessions.
Guard your heart, love. Guard it with all diligence. Take care.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sadie03
Ok, so I'm 26, and dating someonerecently divorced is new to me. I met this guy a few months ago, who had gotten divorced this summer due to infidelity. He started calling me and such and was incredibly eager to get to know me. I was very reluctant at first, explaining to him I was weary of being his rebound, etc. He managed to convince me that he was over that, that he liked me. He started out like most dating scenarios do, he was eager to make plans, kept in contact with me and such. Then all of a sudden he just stopped. He told me that he was kind of messed up still, wasn't ready for a relationship, but still wanted to spend time with me. I was ok with that, as I had just gotten out of a long term relationship prior to meeting the guy. I'm still dating the guy, I see him a few times a week, but I'm starting to maybe feel more of an attachment to him. I guess my question for anyone who knows what is going through a guy's head in this situation is: should I stick with this or walk away?
Leave. This man isn't ready for a relationship, let alone any type of commitment. A woman should avoid a man fresh out of a relationship like the plague ,and its for reasons you mentioned:
You meet someone who seems interested, pulls out all the stops to court you and then bam! He pulls the disappearing act This is a classic move for a man who isn't ready to commit. He's using you as an ego booster, to see if he's still got it, but he's not actually ready for something serious.
And can you blame him?? I'm presuming he was the one cheated on, so he's sure to have some heightened insecurities and trust issues when it comes to being with another woman. He's going to have emotional scares and baggage and he's told this to you. Listen. Take his word when he says he isn't ready. If you don't you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Don't be this guy's ego booster.
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. But they will be clear that's all it is, and they will not expect sex to erase their feelings about the divorce. They know they still have to process that stuff in the morning, and how to do it. Mostly 
This is a classic move for a man who isn't ready to commit. He's using you as an ego booster, to see if he's still got it, but he's not actually ready for something serious. 
