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I know they are different. I'm saying I think open relationships are a solution to the cheating issue for many people. In other words, I'm saying I don't tolerate cheating--instead, my wife and I flip around what could be a negative scenario into a positive one by having an open relationship.
I really don't think it works that way for most people. I think for most, if you're not already okay with the idea of an open relationship, you're not going to suddenly be okay with it just because your partner cheated. The "solution" to cheating is to not do it in the first place.
I suspect you have limits or you wouldn't be disappointed at all. Sure, there are worse things. But that possibility doesn't make the lesser offense acceptable. And, in many cases, cheating is abuse.
It could be said that you don't make a big enough deal about it. And you are settling.
I suspect you have limits or you wouldn't be disappointed at all. Sure, there are worse things. But that possibility doesn't make the lesser offense acceptable. And, in many cases, cheating is abuse.
It could be said that you don't make a big enough deal about it. And you are settling.
The last part of what you said is exactly what I was trying to say, I just couldn't find the way of putting it. I wouldn't want to make a big deal about it and just settle, brush it off, keep going, etc.
I'm right there with you. In fact my wife and I take it another step--we're open about being attracted to other people and wanting to date them. If she wants to date someone else too, fine with me. She feels the same way too. We won't love each other any less. And you know what, it has been great. It doesn't have to be emotionally abusive if no secrets are being kept in the first place. We've dated other people separately, and we're in a relationship with our roommate as a couple. I can honestly say it's only enriched our lives.
I'm not saying that works for everyone, but I do think it would work a lot better for many people. I think there are a lot of naturally polyamorous people out there that get shoved into the monogamous model. People should just be able to follow whatever dating model works for them, and seek partners with compatible models or who are okay with whatever model they follow personally. I think that would help solve "the cheating problem".
It would also save a lot of people pain if cheaters didn't have to be secretive but instead could be open about being attracted to other people too, and it would help if those who are cheated on understood that falling for another person doesn't always mean they love the person they cheated on less. And if they do, then it's a sign that maybe they should reevaluate their relationship.
I think "cheating" can actually be made into a positive thing and help people grow if they remove the secretiveness factor and the "pieces of a pie" model. A lot of people see their love as a piece of a pie. If you love one person 100%, you're devoted to them 100% and give them the whole pie. If you love two people, you can only love each one 50% or maybe something like 30% and 70%. But instead of viewing love as a finite source of pie, it helps to realize that love is infinite. Love runs deeper. Loving more than one person doesn't mean loving each person less--in fact, it means MORE love! I find that when I openly express my love for everyone, I love each person DEEPER, not less--more pie for all!
Like I said, I know polyamory is not for everyone, but I think it should be an option for the people it does work for, and that in itself would eliminate a lot of cheating.
I see where you're coming from, I'm glad that works for you and no one gets hurt. I wouldn't really go as far as to date another person but with a girlfriend id gladly/freely just say "yes I think she's attractive". Great idea of making a negative into a positive, that ability makes life a lot easier
Cheating shows disrespect and is a breach of trust. As such to me what is weird is people who ignore or accept it. IMO most people do not genuinely accept it anyway but pretend to because they are terrified of being alone .
Anyone who abuses the person they are supposed to love most in such a blatant manner deserves to be kicked to the curb.
I need to trust and respect the person I am with. Not sure what is weird about that. If people enjoy being in open relationships that is perfectly fine with me as long as BOTH partners are happy about this arrangement ( that is genuinely happy not simply pandering to the other) and mutually consenting.
I am quite sure the vast majority of cheats would have a hissy fit if their spouse started to play hide the sausage on the side too... Double standards seem to apply to those kinds of relationships in my experience and hypocrisy.
I love my Husband totally conditionally because of the man he is. Loyal and faithful to me, someone who loves and desires me and has no desire to play the field. If this turned out to be a lie , I would not only be devastated but angry as hell.
Relationships have to be built on a solid foundation. Finding out your other half is a lying, cheating scuzzbag is just about as far away from this as is imaginable.
Nobody is putting a gun to somebody's head to be in an exclusive relationship. If someone wants to remain a promiscuous individual that it fine AS LONG as they make no promises and do not entice somebody into a relationship under false pretences.
Some of us take faithfulness and loyalty very seriously. My husband knew from day one I would never tolerate cheating and that straying would mean being shown the door. Ie: I was open and honest about my feelings on the issue and he could not claim he was unaware of them. He knew what kind of woman he chose to marry. Fortunately for me he feels the same from his side and I would also expect to be given the boot should I ever stray from the path. That is fair. Neither of us should feel aggrieved when we both made our feelings very clear from the beginning. We discussed it frankly and openly, in a mature manner from the very blossoming of our relationship. This was one of the big issues we discussed ( with other important ideological issues such as whether we wanted kids , political ideals and general life goals).
You chose a life partner based on who they are ( ie who they appear to the best of your knowledge to be). I would not be well pleased either if my Husband all of a sudden declared himself to have been a sexist, racist, homophobic bigot for the last twnty years. Deception is NOT acceptable especially for something like a tumble in the hay which is completely avoidable and is a choice. One chooses to cheat, One chooses to be a bastard, one chooses to hurt someone, so one must accept the consequences of one's actions.... Cheating is a choice.
It does not simply "happen". One does not simply happen to put one's genitals into another human being's or inset one's tongue into their mouth. There is no such thing as an "accident" when it comes to cheating and it is not a "mistake". A mistake is getting on the wrong bus, or buying the wrong type of milk . Having sex or even kissing someone who is not your spouse/partner is not a mistake. It is a wilful act of deception and very much a choice.
We all have the power to say no, the power to understand the hurt and upset we will cause the people we love most. We chose to hurt, deceive, lie and cheat. None of these are mistakes, accidents or any such things.
Trying to mitigate the seriousness of our transgression is not only futile, but intellectually disingenuous and quite frankly pathetic.
You no longer love and desire someone enough to be exclusive with them , you get some "cojones", and behave like a grown up, take it on the chin and simply tell the other you want someone else. Period. Anything else is cowardly and puerile.
Love is about thinking about the other's feeling and showing consideration. Emotional abuse is not big and it's not clever and trying to blame the injured party seems pretty rancid and vile IMO.
I wouldn't say it's necessarily cowardly, maybe some just do better at pushing past bad occurences than others. I can sometimes see why people cheat in the case of the excuse "I grew tired of him/her". Some just have issues with monogamy. If its to intentionally abuse the other person than yes I agree that's wrong and you have to leave. This analogy may not be the best but this is how I see it. If I have a dad that works at mcdonalds, I have mcdonalds every day for so long, one day I decide to have burger king. Is that considered an act of betrayal? You just want a change for once nothing more.
You're response was great and it gave a better perspective from the other side compared to the other posters
IF you had a wife/girlfriend you would be mad"hardly at all"?? That's easy to say when you're playing the field, but oneday when you do find "the one" and you put your trust and faith in her, and she betrays you, I think you might feel differently.
Considering the divorce rate; is getting overly upset about a spouse having sex with someone else more important than the relationship itself? Many gender studies claim women are better at nurturing relationships than men; that claim doesn't seem to be corroborated by many women who post in the public domain.
Considering the divorce rate; is getting overly upset about a spouse having sex with someone else more important than the relationship itself? Many gender studies claim women are better at nurturing relationships than men; that claim doesn't seem to be corroborated by many women who post in the public domain.
Sex is very much part of a relationship and so is trust, and respect. My relationship is a complex and well balanced mixture of factors.
If my husband who knows I will be utterly devastated by his straying choses to cheat on me he is in essence denigrating our relationship and degrading it. As he would be if he turned out to be a card carrying Nazi or I found out he actually was Gay.
It makes a lie of your whole life together and you end up with someone else than the person you loved and chose as a life partner.
Here is something that I read awhile ago. There lives more faith in honest doubt, / Believe me, than in half the creeds. -Alfred, Lord Tennyson, poet (1809-1892)
I think it's pretty messed up to put up with deception, which is how I view cheating. I have no problem with open relationships if that's what the couple wants, however.
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