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It's really very simple. IMHO, she was nervous about this topic, for whatever reason. She wanted to discuss it, but didn't feel brave enough to come right out and say, "Ask me to be your girlfriend," without knowing what you would say.
So instead of being so blunt and risking a very harsh rejection, she floated the topic gently, giving both parties a chance to save face. If you liked her and wanted her to be your girlfriend instead of just the girl you were banging, she expected you to say so. Instead, you made a joke, you traded back and forth a few times trying to get her to wear the pants in the relationship, basically saying "Not it." Then finally you made a weak effort at what no woman would have considered romantic:
"I say she can say whatever she wants and I tell her she can say I'm her boyfriend if she wants."
Sorry, dude. You sound like a nice guy, but that line is never going to make it into a romance novel. You have been banging her seven ways to Sunday and the best you can come up with is, "You can say whatever you want," then following it with the not much more romantic, "You can say I'm your boyfriend if you want."
Sorry, but that isn't going to win any hearts and I think most women would have been more than a little bit insulted at that point. She is sleeping with you and you can't find the stones to say, "Yes, I like you. You are more than just a random vagina I am banging. It would make me very happy if you would be my girlfriend."
Of course she then backed off, pretended she didn't care, gave a non-committal answer, tried to talk her way out of it. You hurt her feelings. You acted like you were too cool to care after she's been sleeping with you for weeks. Was it really that hard to say you wanted her to be yours?
My advice: go buy a dozen roses and surprise her with a romantic date tonight. Make it about how much you like her, not just about her being fun to joke and have sex with.
Let's go over the conversation, it went something like this:
Her: (something about being worried about a friend asking how we met, since we met online)
Me: I said to say that I robbed a bank that she was in at the time and I stalked you into dating me (we saw THE TOWN together recently, THIS IS MY JOKE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT).
Me: I thought maybe you'd be more concerned with how to introduce me to all your friends.
Her: Have you told your friends about me?
Me: Yes I have
Her: What do you say?
Me: I say I've been seeing someone and things are going really well
Her: Awww
Me: What do you say to your friends about me besides you've been seeing a guy for 3 weeks?
Her: What do you want me to say?
Me: I'd like you to say I'm your boyfriend
Her: Well we took our profiles down and we agreed to be exclusive, isnt that the same thing?
Me: I really don't know, you know this is all kinda unfamiliar territory with me so I didn't know they were the same thing.
Her: Well I think things have been moving really fast and there's still things I don't know about you and vice versa. In a couple weeks after we meet more of each other's friends I'll know. Is that ok?
Me: Sure, the title isn't that important to me, I'm just happy spending time with you.
So you tell me how that isn't manning up and puting it out there? Thinking this over and typing this I am totally thinking this was a major ambush, but w/e, I'll buy the flowers Tuesday when we cook dinner at her place and if I bring it up I'll look like a pushy and desperate tool. I've been pressured into relationships before and I won't do that to her. I like her, I want to keep her, if that means just letting her come to me then I guess that's what I'll do.
So the girl I've been seeing the last 3 weeks has been amazing. We've spent a lot of time talking in between dates, been out like 8 times (and one whole week after we first met I was out of town). She and I sleep over at each other's places all the time and the sex is amazing. We talk all the time about how we like each other, I've met her friends and vice versa. We agreed to take down our dating profiles and be exclusive about a week ago.
I'm also new to the relationship realm as my last gf was 4 years ago, but she's been in like 4-5 relationships in the last 7 years. So I feel uneducated about the whole "boyfriend/girlfriend status" thing.
We were talking last night about a party we're going to that her friends will be at and we were talking about questions they might ask about us. She asked me what I'd say if people asked who I was and I made a little joke about it.
I asked her what she would say....she says "what do you want me to say?"
hmmm, this is where it gets tricky: I say she can say whatever she wants and I tell her she can say I'm her boyfriend if she wants. She then says that we already talked about being exclusive and we sleep at each other's apts so she said it's kind of the same thing, but at the same time we've only been dating 3 weeks and she wants to get to know more about me. I just reiterated to her that I didn't know that they were the same thing, I'm not too experienced with relationships lately, but that a title on us isn't important to me and that I'm just happy to spend time with her. She said we'll see in a couple weeks how things go with meeting more of each other's friends at some parties we have lined up.
I'm not too confused, but I can't help but think maybe she set me up to spill that I would like to be her boyfriend only to tell me "we'll see?" Or am I just reading a little too much into it and I need to stop thinking and just roll with it? I'm not going to say anything more about it to her, she knows where I stand so if she wants me I think it will be her job to claim me at this point and I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Just looking for an outside view in case I'm blinded by how much I like this girl and that I'm overlooking a major red flag.
Have some guts and simply say what you feel. Girls like that. You're bedding her aren't you?
Let's go over the conversation, it went something like this:
Her: (something about being worried about a friend asking how we met, since we met online)
Me: I said to say that I robbed a bank that she was in at the time and I stalked you into dating me (we saw THE TOWN together recently, THIS IS MY JOKE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT).
Me: I thought maybe you'd be more concerned with how to introduce me to all your friends.
Her: Have you told your friends about me?
Me: Yes I have
Her: What do you say?
Me: I say I've been seeing someone and things are going really well
Her: Awww
Me: What do you say to your friends about me besides you've been seeing a guy for 3 weeks?
Her: What do you want me to say?
Me: I'd like you to say I'm your boyfriend
Her: Well we took our profiles down and we agreed to be exclusive, isnt that the same thing?
Me: I really don't know, you know this is all kinda unfamiliar territory with me so I didn't know they were the same thing.
Her: Well I think things have been moving really fast and there's still things I don't know about you and vice versa. In a couple weeks after we meet more of each other's friends I'll know. Is that ok?
Me: Sure, the title isn't that important to me, I'm just happy spending time with you.
So you tell me how that isn't manning up and puting it out there? Thinking this over and typing this I am totally thinking this was a major ambush, but w/e, I'll buy the flowers Tuesday when we cook dinner at her place and if I bring it up I'll look like a pushy and desperate tool. I've been pressured into relationships before and I won't do that to her. I like her, I want to keep her, if that means just letting her come to me then I guess that's what I'll do.
Well, whatever. I think you were as dopey in that conversation as you claim she was and I still think you've made a critical error in demonstrating to this girl that you like her enough to bump uglies, but don't like her enough to express any genuine feelings for her without covering it with a dozen jokes and weaseling around it. Maybe she is still deciding about you. I have to say if I was still deciding about a guy and he was really fast to get my pants off and really slow to come up with 10 quirky rebuttals to avoid saying, "I like you. When you're ready, I'd really like you to be my girlfriend," that would be a definite negative in his column.
No one is saying anything about a desperate tool. No one is saying put her in handcuffs and force her to be your girlfriend. My advice is that while girls don't want a psycho who proposes on the second date, they also don't usually want some Joe Cool slick job who's real quick to get them into bed and real slow to express genuine affection. Maybe part of the problem is that you two put the cart before the horse and are sleeping over and having sex all the time, before the relationship has had a chance to naturally progress. Her head is probably screaming "too fast/too slow" all at the same time. Maybe bring the flowers as a nice gesture, be a nice guy and talk and listen this time around, get to know her better so the relationship can develop into something more than just sex. In a few weeks, you bring the topic up again, being willing to stick your neck out there this time rather than expecting her to be the man in the relationship.
Just saying. I don't think she was trying to "ambush" you at all. I think you dropped the ball on this one.
Well, whatever. I think you were as dopey in that conversation as you claim she was and I still think you've made a critical error in demonstrating to this girl that you like her enough to bump uglies, but don't like her enough to express any genuine feelings for her without covering it with a dozen jokes and weaseling around it. Maybe she is still deciding about you. I have to say if I was still deciding about a guy and he was really fast to get my pants off and really slow to come up with 10 quirky rebuttals to avoid saying, "I like you. When you're ready, I'd really like you to be my girlfriend," that would be a definite negative in his column.
No one is saying anything about a desperate tool. No one is saying put her in handcuffs and force her to be your girlfriend. My advice is that while girls don't want a psycho who proposes on the second date, they also don't usually want some Joe Cool slick job who's real quick to get them into bed and real slow to express genuine affection. Maybe part of the problem is that you two put the cart before the horse and are sleeping over and having sex all the time, before the relationship has had a chance to naturally progress. Her head is probably screaming "too fast/too slow" all at the same time. Maybe bring the flowers as a nice gesture, be a nice guy and talk and listen this time around, get to know her better so the relationship can develop into something more than just sex. In a few weeks, you bring the topic up again, being willing to stick your neck out there this time rather than expecting her to be the man in the relationship.
Just saying. I don't think she was trying to "ambush" you at all. I think you dropped the ball on this one.
I do respect you trying to offer your opinion and help me, but I'm starting to wonder about your reading comprehension skills. I think I'm just going to not read this thread anymore.
This sounds interesting to me. Are the friends to decide how you two feel about each other...?
I don't think she said it in that context. I think she said it more in terms of getting to know more about each other and seeing what we're like in social settings.
We've spent a couple nights out with friends and her friends loved me so I'm good in that arena, I think she just wants to see the social side of me more, that's what she meant by that.
My first instinct is that you over-thought it. She was the one who stuck her neck out there. My read is that she was hoping you would say, "We'll tell people I'm your boyfriend," give her a sweet kiss, and that would be that.
Instead, there was a lot of non-committal joking, "No, you first," back and forth, what I read as a lot of hesitation for either person to take a risk, etc. So that's probably why you got a coy response. She kind of did the hard work on this one by broaching the subject, and you responded with a wishy-washy answer.
THIS^^. Exactly this. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Enough with the trying to figure out what she thinks I think she thinks I think.
Edit: I just read your synopsis of the conversation...up above. And frankly, when she made the comment that things were moving "so fast", you should have stopped her right there, and suggested that you guys slow down...that you have already made a commitment to be exclusive, and that you want this relationship to have a good solid foundation, and not let things get ahead of themselves and you want her to be comfortable with the progression of things. I think things HAVE moved awfully fast, but that's just my opinion.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 01-17-2011 at 10:02 AM..
"I am a male prostitute that she hired for the evening."
"I am her long lost twin brother."
"I'm her plumber"
"Me ? No one special"
"The father of her illegitimate love child."
The little games women play.
"I used to be her best friend Alicia. Now you can call me Allen."
I do respect you trying to offer your opinion and help me, but I'm starting to wonder about your reading comprehension skills. I think I'm just going to not read this thread anymore.
Look, man, I truly don't mean this to be rude, but my reading comprehension skills are just fine. You admitted right off the bat that you aren't very experienced in relationships, right?
You are also too close to the situation to see it objectively. You're right that none of us have the benefit of being a fly on the wall, of seeing this in context, but sometimes that outside perspective with no defensiveness can be useful.
I wish you the best with this girl. I hope that you'll find the courage to say what you're feeling honestly. Too much misdirection and polite denials can quickly cause a young lady to lose interest...
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