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Because they never listen to their grievances and put any effort into compromising and solving the problems. While women are still invested in their marriages and trying to save them, there are still fights and arguments. Once they mentally check out, it gets quiet. Men think everything is good and the witch finally stopped nagging. What they don't get is she's on her way out and fighting is not worth it to her anymore. That's when men get "surprised"!
Look at it this way. At least your rid of her and now she's this other guys problem. Chances are she'll do the same thing to him in the future. Just don't get sucked into her vortex if she tries to reconcile with you later on down the road.
You got burned there is no doubt about it. And that sucks with a capitol S. Just do your best to keep your head on straight. Healing will come but it will take some time.
Totally... esp bolded part. My feeling is you are too nice a guy to have noticed subtle changes in her behavior, making it easy for her to do things behind your back. You don't just "reconnect" with somebody like *snap*
I'm terribly sorry to read of your tragic experience. Your wife is apparently not the person you thought she was all those years. I disagree with 415. Writing that kind of letter to her and asking mutual friends to sign it would do nothing for you nor for anyone else. She's obviously a troubled person and likely has been for years -- something she hid from you. That doesn't make her "bad" and it doesn't reflect poorly on you.
Yes and no. Yes, something was up before everything went down. But no, rare is the sociopath who can hide himself or herself completely for 11 years. Likewise, people who are in happy marriages with a home life that is hunky-dory don't just up and leave and fall in love lickety-split with someone else. She was probably unhappy for whatever reason for however long. She might have even been in contact with these exes on the sly for some time. This is NOT to blame the OP. It's just that as it takes two to make a marriage, it takes two to break it. Unless one partner is a sociopath on the level of Ted Bundy, a failed marriage is never just one person's fault. Ever.
OP, I'll bet that in time, as you look over your marriage, you'll see the signs that were there. I say this not to kick you when you're down or make you feel like a dumkopf for not having seen them, but to try to spare you some fear when you get back out there and meet a wonderful woman. Chances are that your ex-wife was not some sinister witch leading a double life. Chances are there were problems in your marriage that just weren't addressed.
I know it's tough to hear right now. But if you blame it all on your ex, and you look at it like she pulled wool over your eyes, you might take it out on the next woman who comes along. Likewise, if you beat yourself up for not having seen the signs, you might never trust yourself to love someone again, and that's not fair to you.
I suggest that you keep writing, if not here, then in a private journal. It will help you organize your thoughts and come to grips with what happened. When you're ready to see your own part in the demise of the marriage, that's when you'll truly be free to heal.
Together for eleven years married for three and a half, what's with the years you weren't married? It seems as though you may have had some early warning when the marriage didn't happen sooner. I've known men that wouldn't marry their girlfriends because of some past problems in a previous relationship and I've seen my share of women who felt the same way and were hesitant to marry. I think I'd be thinking hard about those years where neither of you were sworn to the idea of total commitment. No matter what you may think time will smooth out the wrinkles in our lives. Please don't go all revengeful over the choices she made, she's a free person and the fact that she didn't want to confront you over the leaving could possibly suggest some real pain on her part. Move on, life's that way...
My wife and I were together for 11 years, married for 3 1/2. We had a wonderful relationship. We did everything together. I bought her flowers, I opened doors. We left love notes for each other throughout the house. We got married on a beautiful little island in the Puget Sound between Canada and Washington state.
In August she returned to the town she grew up in out of state for an extended visit. One of her plans was to visit 2 ex-boyfriends and catch up. I always trusted her and thought nothing of it. However, soon after returning from the trip she declared that she had fallen in love with one of those exs and wants to leave me immediately.
I melted down emotionally. The shock and sadness was unbearable beyond belief. From that point forward our relationship spiraled out of control as I could sense that she was maintaining contact with him and her feelings for me had fundamentally changed. The sweet angel of my dreams, who came to me straight from heaven, was gone.
I left for work on a normal, unsuspecting day in early December. I kissed her goodbye. When I came home that night, to my shock, all her possessions were gone. Her cat was gone. She left only a short note.
I have not heard anything from her since. She changed all her numbers and will not answer emails. On December 30th I received divorce papers from her attorney. I am now in the coldest, most horrible and lonely place I had ever found myself before.
I really have no purpose in posting this story, other than helping myself heal through sharing. Yet for anyone reading my story, please never take anyone or anything for granted...they can be gone in a heartbeat. Kiss your partner the next time you see him or her and hold on to each other so, so tight.
Sorry to hear that happened. In the end, you'll be glad you got rid of the cheater with nothing more than a momentary heartbreak to deal with.
This is why people getting in contact with their ex's, and then seeing them in person, rarely leads to anything good.
Yes and no. Yes, something was up before everything went down. But no, rare is the sociopath who can hide himself or herself completely for 11 years. Likewise, people who are in happy marriages with a home life that is hunky-dory don't just up and leave and fall in love lickety-split with someone else. She was probably unhappy for whatever reason for however long. She might have even been in contact with these exes on the sly for some time. This is NOT to blame the OP. It's just that as it takes two to make a marriage, it takes two to break it. Unless one partner is a sociopath on the level of Ted Bundy, a failed marriage is never just one person's fault. Ever.
OP, I'll bet that in time, as you look over your marriage, you'll see the signs that were there. I say this not to kick you when you're down or make you feel like a dumkopf for not having seen them, but to try to spare you some fear when you get back out there and meet a wonderful woman. Chances are that your ex-wife was not some sinister witch leading a double life. Chances are there were problems in your marriage that just weren't addressed.
I know it's tough to hear right now. But if you blame it all on your ex, and you look at it like she pulled wool over your eyes, you might take it out on the next woman who comes along. Likewise, if you beat yourself up for not having seen the signs, you might never trust yourself to love someone again, and that's not fair to you.
I suggest that you keep writing, if not here, then in a private journal. It will help you organize your thoughts and come to grips with what happened. When you're ready to see your own part in the demise of the marriage, that's when you'll truly be free to heal.
Peace.
I agree with this post 100 %. There were probably signs that she was going to walk out, though you might not have seen them. Someone suggested writing a letter to get even and I respectfully disagree. Writing such a letter to her will not bring her any closer to you and will only create more distance. Try to do your own thing for a while and date other people. In time, she will start having problems with the new guy and that's when you can try to win her back. But this time you guys have to talk about what went wrong. If you continue to do what she didn't want you to do, then she will not give you any more chances. I normally don't condone getting in the middle of someone else's relationship, but this seems like a case where you should if you want her back. He seems to have stolen her from you, but that is not possible. Her heart was simply no longer yours. Try to see if you find why that was and if you want her back, you will have to change. Otherwise let her go and do listen more carefully next time.
My wife and I were together for 11 years, married for 3 1/2. We had a wonderful relationship. We did everything together. I bought her flowers, I opened doors. We left love notes for each other throughout the house. We got married on a beautiful little island in the Puget Sound between Canada and Washington state.
In August she returned to the town she grew up in out of state for an extended visit. One of her plans was to visit 2 ex-boyfriends and catch up. I always trusted her and thought nothing of it. However, soon after returning from the trip she declared that she had fallen in love with one of those exs and wants to leave me immediately.
I melted down emotionally. The shock and sadness was unbearable beyond belief. From that point forward our relationship spiraled out of control as I could sense that she was maintaining contact with him and her feelings for me had fundamentally changed. The sweet angel of my dreams, who came to me straight from heaven, was gone.
I left for work on a normal, unsuspecting day in early December. I kissed her goodbye. When I came home that night, to my shock, all her possessions were gone. Her cat was gone. She left only a short note.
I have not heard anything from her since. She changed all her numbers and will not answer emails. On December 30th I received divorce papers from her attorney. I am now in the coldest, most horrible and lonely place I had ever found myself before.
I really have no purpose in posting this story, other than helping myself heal through sharing. Yet for anyone reading my story, please never take anyone or anything for granted...they can be gone in a heartbeat. Kiss your partner the next time you see him or her and hold on to each other so, so tight.
She is an idiot and a fool. This is not love, her running off with some fantasy! Romatizing an old relationship! How terrible. Real love stays , wipes your butt in the nursing home when your sick. Helps you yack in the bucket when your ill!! Love is not just running out the door. She should be ashamed of herself and I think you should be happy your rid of a terrible person.
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