Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Good for you! Probably didn't feel good, but you were a good friend to yourself for not allowing it again even though he probably got your hopes up.
I saw my mother take my father back over and over again while he cheated on her throughout their marriage. I made up my mind then that I would never stand for that because I knew that once a man cheated, he would do it again.
Yes, it was very, very hard to walk away from those relationships but after analyzing the relationships, I had somewhat of a hand in it. I picked the wrong men. I had to go deep and find out why I chose to pick men that were no good for me. It took me years but I finally can pick a good, honest man now. Once you stop being a victim and have self esteem, good things happen to you.
I'm sorry to say this, but you are wrong. You didn't have it all, you just thought you did. Somewhere along the line something was missing or at least he thought something was missing. There is always the possibility that he wanted something that he was embarassed to ask you for, or thought from your past comments that you wouldn't want to go along with. I'm speaking of things having to do with sex. Call girls will usually do just about anything that is asked of them if the money is worth enough.
Which is better in your judgement, losing your husband for good, or forgiving him? If you are a naturally jealous person, you are going to have a struggle, but you have got to put his infidelity out of your mind and stop blowing up. Your distrust will be obivious, over time it will ruin your relationship, then you won't have to worry anymore, he'll just leave. It won't kill you to trust him, but it won't be easy, to show him that you do trust him. That will take a lot of love, and alot of understanding on your part. Are you woman enough to show him you care? Please know that I'm not placing the blame for his infidelity on you. Some people couldn't forgive an infidelity and their only recourse would be to leave, but none of us think the same. You have to make up your own mind if you can live with this or not. You need to have a serious talk to find out why this happened, you also need to set some new ground rules in your marriage if you decide to continue.
Seriously. Really seriously. That's so much BS you've just written. It won't kill her to trust him - are you for real? Why in the heck would she trust him since he was with a prostitute??? It's him that needs to earn her trust. That will take a lot of love, and alot of understanding on your part - Again, it's unbelievable what you're saying here, NO, it will take a lot of love and understanding on his part. NOT HERS. Are you woman enough to show him you care? This statement has me so mad that I can't believe you wrote that. IS SHE WOMAN ENOUGH. You are insinuating that she is not woman enough to keep her man. I hated to hear that when I was younger. That's so BS. Yeah, she is woman enough but unfortunately, he wasn't man enough to keep his d^ck in his pants and talk to his wife on what was bothering him. Even if she knew what he wanted and couldn't do that for him sexually, that gives him no excuse to go out and pay someone to do what he wanted. We all don't get what we want in life! People want instant gratification nowadays and that's why people justify their bad behavior.
Discalimer: I'm not an expert and can only give you opinions based on my own gut feelings.
Office romances can sneak up on a person. A couple workers develop a friendship, and before they know what happened it turns into a romance. I think it can happen to relatively happily married people.
Hiring a call girl is premeditated. He gave it some thought before he acted. Generally a married guy would not hire a call girl unless he feels something major is missing in the sexual relationship with his wife. Do you know why he hired a hooker? If not, I think you're missing the boat by not finding out. And if you do know why, has the problem been fixed? If it's been fixed you can probably relax and start trusting again, but if not you can expect the second shoe to eventually drop.
I admire you for giving your husband a second chance, and I don't blame you a bit for being wary of his actions, but you both need to get to the bottom of this and remedy the core problem before it happens again.
I don't think I could get past my man hiring a call girl. He didn't get carried away, he didn't just lose control, he planned the whole thing, and he knowingly put your health at risk. I am sorry you are having to deal with his mess.
I'm afraid I will have to agree with blondiel's assessment. If he isn't trying to understand your feelings, he's still doing it.
I lived thru this and much worse. An xhusband who was attracted to the lower elements of society due to low self esteem from maternal abuse which caused a hatred of women, and as punishment to me whose lifestyle was quite the opposite. I'm not saying with 100% certainty that this is your circumstance, however if you find similar indicators it may be.
What you thought you had was from your way of thinking not necessarily his. I thought the same but finally recognized the pattern when life seemed at it's optimum that he was psychologically compelled to utterly destroy it and me. I wasted too many years in this mode dismissing outrageous behavior till I finally threw him out after an 'if this happens one more time' ultimatum. I wish you luck.
First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's a horrible blow to be dealt and you have every right to feel upset, unstable at times, like your world has been turned upside down. Infidelity isn't something that heals overnight.
There are two aspects to this. First is the matter of healing the relationship properly so that you two can move forward and learn to trust again. It takes time. Is it possible that you two didn't fully work through the pain of the infidelity when it happened? Usually couples need a period of total transparency, allowing for trust to be rebuilt. How long did you go to counseling for? What steps did your husband take to demonstrate to you that he was sorry for what happened, that he was committed to never cheating again? People tend to continue bringing an issue up until it feels resolved in their mind. If they feel they're not being heard, they will scream louder and for longer until someone hears them. It may be that some part of you feels your husband doesn't really understand how badly this hurts, and that's why you can't let it go yet.
Has your husband gone to counseling to identify and address the issues within him that led him to stray? Have you two spoken with someone to identify weaknesses within the relationship? People cheat for different reasons. Some are just bad at staying monogamous. They don't value it highly enough to keep their fly up and tend to cheat more than once. Often time they seek out that rush... the thrill and uncertainty that comes from doing something forbidden. For others, it's situational. Perhaps they grow apart from a spouse, fighting at home sours the relationship, the sex life dries up, or they're feeling bad about themselves at work. In those cases, maybe by getting to the root of the problem can help. Yes, the couple still has to address the issue of one partner cheating, which they own, but usually both bear some responsibility for the state of the relationship.
The other side of this is that eventually, you have to either decide to move on from this and give him an honest second chance, or else let him go and both of you start over with someone new who hasn't betrayed you. It's hard to accept when you still feel so hurt, but ultimately people can only stay in the doghouse for so long. At some point, he's going to bow out if he feels he's being punished forever.
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
The money and extra phone? Did he go so far as to get another phone? Really?
This is something you need some serious answers to why he did this and you need to take a deeper look before you decide to forgive and forget because I suspect there is more going on there than a one time decision to have paid sex. Counseling with him and honesty or forget it.
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
He had money put aside, an extra phone, etc??? And you believe he only did this once??? Wake up.
To put it bluntly: He cheated on you this time. He WILL cheat on you again. He probably already is. Anyone who has an extra phone for this is not just going to stop. He planned this and has it all down. You don't truly know if it's a call girl. That's just what he told you. He could very well have a girlfriend on the side and that extra money was for her to help with her bills or to just ease his guilt.
Others here are suggesting counseling. That's a fine idea if you're prepared to put this completely behind you, never mention it again, never blow up over it, never get anxious about it.
My suggestion: Break up with him. I don't care if you're married or not. If he cheats once, you can best believe he'll do it again. 70% of men cheat. Your man is in that percentage. He's not going to stop. If you're prepared to be a doormat the rest of your life or ready for your husband to take your family money and give it to other women or "call girls", then stay in the marriage. I sure as heck wouldn't. All you'll get from him is disrespect and possibly disease (you don't know who he's with or if he's using protection)
Find a marriage counselor -immediately. If you dont connect - try another. Insist that he go to counseling with you and be an active participant - also go alone. And, I would suggest getting His Needs, Her Needs - its an insightful look at infidelity in marriage. I dont agree in entirety - but I thought it was very interesting. You have every right to be angry, sad, distraught, withdrawn - whatever - give yourself the right to feel as you do - unapologetically. Whatever you decide be good to yourself and do what feels right - it usually is.
I agree that you both need to go to counseling. It sounds like he's not owning his responsibility that he stepped outside of his marriage and he's probably not really aware of how this eats away at you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
