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No, you would be doing the wrong thing for the reason to control (punish the bad boy because he is not to be trusted). Plus, as I read it, she did not previously control the finances, he did. Thus her desire to have the finances are so she can stop him from being a cheater. Not because he is poor at paying the bills.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
I still disagree, sorry. She needed to be more involved. When you're in a relationship and only one person is handling the finances, that just leaves the door open for so many things that could potentially go wrong. I think as a "couple" its the responsibility of both parties to be fully aware of whats happening with the household money.
Obviously he couldn't handle the money (and probably on many levels) thus her taking it over. I don't feel she's doing it to punish him but rather because she was really clueless about what was going on with the finances.
I think the OP has convinced herself that he didn't carry out the deed but I disagree. I think maybe with this escort he didn't carry out the deed and he's being honest about that to her and the counsellor but I think in the past, he has done the deed with many escorts. I think he knew his wife was getting suspicious of his actions and he got the prepaid phone for this encounter. I think this has been going for awhile and the OP was trying to convince herself that they had it all.
I think it's wrong, like Matt said, to control the finances now. It's her way of punishing him and treating him like a little boy while trying to control him so he won't go back to escorts. He will still find a way to get together with a escort. For me, not a way to live.
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
Did you husband express ANY remorse for what he did? Or was he just sorry he got caught?
Did he work hard to repair the bond of trust he broke??
You must continue with the counseling, it sounds like you only went a while but you still need it.
You misunderstand my point. I do not ever excuse bad behavior based on justification after the fact. It is just frankly I see a suspicious, controlling person that can do no wrong, on the wifes part. Her words are all I have to go on. Being a disinterested bystander I do not care about either her or her husband (As a fellow human being I hate to see people suffer).
The husband has no excuses for his behavior in regards to breaking his wedding vows (we do not know that he did more than plan even if it appears likely). Rather than being a cheater he should have ended his marriage if he could not work it out with his wife.
Speaking of punishment. How do you modify a pets bad behavior? Do you continue to beat it everyday (verbally or physically) after it transgresses? Or do you punish it once and move on from there?
The OP and her husband need to go to couples therapy and see if they can work through this, learn to trust, how to address the shortcomings in their marriage, and in the way they relate to each other.
Last edited by lifelongMOgal; 01-20-2011 at 12:15 PM..
Reason: typos & grammar
You misunderstand my point. I do not ever excuse bad behavior based on justification after the fact. It is just frankly I see a suspicious, controlling person that can do no wrong, on the wifes part. Her words are all I have to go on. Being a disinterested bystander I do not care about either her or her husband (As a fellow human being I hate to see people suffer).
The husband has no excuses for his behavior in regards to breaking his wedding vows (we do not know that he did more than plan even if it appears likely). Rather than being a cheater he should have ended his marriage if he could not work it out with his wife.
Speaking of punishment. How do you modify a pets bad behavior? Do you continue to beat it everyday (verbally or physically) after it transgresses? Or do you punish it once and move on from there?
I see it less as a punishment but more as a precaution. Who knows how much money this guy has spent on call girls. He went behind the OP's back so he has proven that he cannot be trusted. If we change the situation, and this guy was spending all of this money on drugs, she would be accused of enabling if she didn't take over the finances. I don't see how this situation is all that different.
all you folks keep harping about seeing a counselor.... only one person comes out of counseling in good shape... the counselor and they are laughing all the way to the bank-- if a couple can't work it out on their own it ain't worth saving
all you folks keep harping about seeing a counselor.... only one person comes out of counseling in good shape... the counselor and they are laughing all the way to the bank-- if a couple can't work it out on their own it ain't worth saving
Sorry, that's just not accurate.
If you don't speak Spanish and you need to communicate with someone who ONLY speaks Spanish, you'll find a translator to help you, right?
Same thing here - this couple no longer speaks the same language - they are not able to communicate effectively and "work it out on their own" .
Marriage counselors speak everybody's language and make communication possible.
I see it less as a punishment but more as a precaution. Who knows how much money this guy has spent on call girls. He went behind the OP's back so he has proven that he cannot be trusted. If we change the situation, and this guy was spending all of this money on drugs, she would be accused of enabling if she didn't take over the finances. I don't see how this situation is all that different.
Knowing people who have had addictive behaviors through a lot of years, my experience is that you will not stop the behavior by taking over their finances or locking them away from it. They have to want to stop and control themselves. If the Husband had asked the wife to take over the finances so as to limit his exposure to temptation, that would be one thing. I do not see that is the case in what the wife reported here.
Enabling is a different thing and is much too long to get into at the moment. Precaution is great if you were talking about keeping a child away from a hazardous situation. Her husband is a adult and must face the results of decisions he makes.
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