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Our "friend" said point blank that I was not invited. I was standing there when we said it. He thinks I'll be upset that his beautiful niece is there and not be nice to her because I'm jealous. My bf originally thought I was invited, and while we were out having a drink with this friend, he confirmed it. I saw our friend suddenly start turning pale and whispering to my bf "we'll talk about that" Later James confirmed I was not to be included. I guess he would be sleeping on a sofa, and I certainly don't want to be where I"m unwelcome. I finally emailed James and told him just to go, but haven't heard back yet. We'll see what he chooses.
There are times when I don't go with my boyfriend when he gets invites out of town. Some of it is because I'm not interested in doing what they are going to be doing. Sometimes is because we wouldn't have our own room and he would be camping out on a sofa or in his sleeping bag.
But is it typically because you are told that you may not go/are not welcome? I'm guessing no.
Pay attention: He doesn't want to marry you. He says "because of a couple of arguments in the last few months". But he was getting enough out of your living there with him to either not leave or ask you to leave the arrangement, in spite of the "couple of arguments" Your night in shining armor even gave you a funky shred of false hope to cling to when he said he's not saying he would not ever marry you. If he has any intentions of marrying you, why isn't he electing to stay at home with you and iron out your difficulties together? If he wanted to marry you, he'd damn sure be keeping his mouth shut about other women, he wouldn't want to see you upset. This dude doesn't even seem to care if you get upset. Maybe you're living with your ex-husband's slightly more affluent, more articulate brother--in other words, you've gotten yourself involved with another abuser, but this one trafficks in emotional blackmail, psychological and emotional abuse.
Why should he marry you when:
He's got you at home, doing the wife thing, and he is so comfy in this setup that he can wonder out loud about nubile young single women's availabillity. In. Your. Presence.
He can accept invitations for weekend getaways at ski cabins where said nubile single women will be staying. (I don't believe these women are his friend's nieces, by the way. That line's pretty old).
I think you should make your plans to exit the love nest and go stay with some trusted friends if you have no money. I hope you saved some money for a circumstance like this one. I only see you getting hurt more if you stay. He's told you the truth. Now it's up to you to believe it and move on. Your age is not an issue, what you want for your life is. You only get one life. If a husband is what you want, you deserve to have one, not some guy who will bed you and play house with you and string you along. I am sorry to put such a fine point on things, but at least I'm not b.s.' ing you. You'll find that man who wants to marry you, but not if you stay where you are, and no one's getting any younger, here.
Good luck.
Last edited by laorbust61; 01-20-2011 at 03:48 PM..
Reason: add a line
I hope your right because if men my age are supposed to be that out of touch, then I won't be wasting my time on them. I won't be putting two years of my life into something that is only going to make them feel trapped in the long run.
Why would a man get involved with a woman they know is looking for marriage, when marriage makes them feel trapped anyway??
Because the man is looking for the type of relationship he wants, not what she wants. From what I can tell based on the OP, the guy hasn't done anything wrong. He told her straight up that he isn't ever going to marry her. If she stays hoping he will change his, that's on her.
Why do we women ask for honesty, yet still ignore the honest truth if we don't like the message?
He can accept invitations for weekend getaways at ski cabins where said nubile single women will be staying. (I don't believe these women are his friend's nieces, by the way. That line's pretty old).
Hmmm... I didn't think of this but it's a fair point. I have a large family and we do this types of trips together, but it's nieces-aunt or nephews-uncle. I don't think we've ever mixed it up like that.
My boyfriend and I, both in our mid forties, have been together almost 2 years and have been living together (renting) for nearly a year. We've had a very close and loving relationship and have always spent lots of times together, and I can honestly say he's my best friend. He's asked me to go overseas to visit his parents with him, as well, and we are supposed to go in late February. Intimately, we have always been compatible as well. Lately, however, I am wondering if I should stay with him due to some things that have happened since early this month.
We have am mutual friend who, according to another friend, is "insanely jealous" of our relationship as he is single and cannot seem to meet anyone. This man has 3 single nieces he dotes on, and every weekend they go to his ski house in Vermont. My boyfriend, James, has been to the house on a few occasions last winter, and I didn't think anything of it, as all of the girls were in relationships and they are all early to mid 20's. This year one of the girls, Katy is single again and our friend is always telling John she asks about him, wonders when he's coming up to Vermont, etc. He always makes a point of saying how beautiful and athletic she is, and wonders why she can't find a boyfriend. Last week this man invited John to snowboard this weekend with the 3 nieces, but I am not invited. I felt this was inappropriate and became very upset with John when he said he was considering going. He said he won't go if it upsets me. I was still very hurt he would consider this and angry with our "friend" for extending such an invitation. We argued most of the weekend, and at one point when we were out having a glass of wine I said I wanted some inclination that we would make our relationship permanent someday. He responded "I'm not going to marry you." He later said that he didn't mean ever, but due to the fact we had had a few arguments in the past few months. He went on to say that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and marriage is "just a piece of paper." He's never been married, but I had a very bad 4 year marriage to someone who was an alcoholic and physically abused me, landing me in the hospital a couple of times. I told him we had to end the relationship as a result, but he kept trying to convince me he loved me and wanted to be together, and refused to believe I was breaking things off. I have been very hurt and confused all week, we did make up but I feel like I need to distance myself. We live in a beautiful location right on the water and our lease is up in June, and I'm not moving out and he wouldn't either. Our intimacy has been less the past couple of months as well. I don't think he would physically cheat on me, but emotional cheating is just as bad, sometimes even worse. What should I make of this? I'm really feeling distraught and would welcome any comments or advice. Sorry for the long post, it's complicated.
Lots of good advice on this thread. My take is that the "friend" is jealous. As jealous people tend to suck, he's acting like a vortex, trying to pull you and John into his misery.
However, your boyfriend isn't helping the situation by the things he says or the fact that he's considering going. He should be telling his friend to stop trying to foist Katy on him, and he should make it clear that to invite him on a co-ed trip of any kind without you is inappropriate and wrong. If you are a priority to him, he needs to grow a pair.
At the same token, I'm in the "marriage is overrated" camp. That's just me, however. If marriage is a goal of yours, it does not sound like your boyfriend is a good candidate for it. It's not that he says he thinks marriage is a piece of paper. Plenty of men say that and then change their tune when they meet the right woman. It's that he has already said he's not going to marry you. Take that at face value. If you want marriage, he's not the one.
Also, not for nothing, but I wouldn't renew a lease with him unless your relationship drastically improves between now and the beginning of March, and stays improved through the end of April. I'd be prepared to give my notice in May. It doesn't matter how nice the place is. It sounds like there's a risk you could subconsciously use it as an excuse to stay in his life or keep him in yours, but if your relationship goals are mutually exclusive, it's just not going to work in the long run.
You're in your mid-40s. This is the time in your life when drama-free relationships are practically a human right. Life is too short to deal with idiots like the "friend" and the spinelessness of men like your boyfriend.
Last edited by Yzette; 01-20-2011 at 04:55 PM..
Reason: I can't tell who is who. :-)
A 40 something man is financially successful enough to own a ski house in Vermont, is an excellent snowboarder and/or skier so we know he is physically fit too... and we are supposed to believe he is extremely jealous because he can't find a woman of his own? Come on. Baloney! This man has the widest dating pool available to him, it really doesn't get better than that. The OP's mutual friend made up the jealousy angle. I don't know why, perhaps to make the OP feel better as they discussed why things are happening the way they are. But I don't buy that jealousy angle for a second.
Hmmm... I didn't think of this but it's a fair point. I have a large family and we do this types of trips together, but it's nieces-aunt or nephews-uncle. I don't think we've ever mixed it up like that.
Yes. To me whole thing (as presented by the friend and boyfriend) just sounds so shady and sleazy. What is the boyfriend telling his friend to enbolden him to say to his girlfriends face, point blank, "you're not invited" he must have been pretty certain the boyfriend would accept the invitation beforehand.
I'm not getting seeing any Mixed Messages from the boyfriend. He's pretty clear: "Leave things like they are" "My friend can talk to my woman any way he wants to, his feelings have priority" "If you get bold enough to bring up marriage to me, I will flip the script on you and insinuate I'm not happy with you, so tread lightly." What a guy!
Don't get married again. Your idea of marriage is like a security blanket. You feel insecure about this relationship as you pointed out; and you think marriage will make it all better. It won't; as you already know.
He's asked me to go overseas to visit his parents with him,
Is this a man who doesn't seem to want commitment? He obviously would like you to visit his family.
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Intimately, we have always been compatible as well.
He is sexually into you it appears, a good thing for a relationship.
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He said he won't go if it upsets me. I was still very hurt he would consider this and angry with our "friend" for extending such an invitation.
He said he wouldn't go if you didn't want him to. He cares about your feelings. You can't blame him for being angry with his friend now can you.
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We argued most of the weekend, and at one point when we were out having a glass of wine I said I wanted some inclination that we would make our relationship permanent someday. He responded "I'm not going to marry you." He later said that he didn't mean ever, but due to the fact we had had a few arguments in the past few months.
So you argued with him THEN wanted him to say he wanted to get married? It sounds like you are the antagonist here not him. Why would you even bring up the subject when you were both angry?
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He went on to say that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and marriage is "just a piece of paper."
He is being honest. He's lived all these years without having to marry anyone, why should he change his tune now?
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He's never been married, but I had a very bad 4 year marriage to someone who was an alcoholic and physically abused me, landing me in the hospital a couple of times.
You have some issues that need addressing. Why would you jump into another marriage with such a bad one under your belt?
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I told him we had to end the relationship as a result, but he kept trying to convince me he loved me and wanted to be together, and refused to believe I was breaking things off.
Again, you are antagonising him and forcing him into a corner with your all or nothing stance.
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I have been very hurt and confused all week, we did make up but I feel like I need to distance myself.
Why? He really did nothing terribly wrong.
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I don't think he would physically cheat on me, but emotional cheating is just as bad, sometimes even worse.
How did he emotionally cheat on you? I think you are projecting a bit here.
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What should I make of this? I'm really feeling distraught and would welcome any comments or advice. Sorry for the long post, it's complicated.
It isn't complicated at all. You have gotten your panties in a knot over a minor issue. He said he wouldn't go if it upset you and you carried on and on like a child. I think you need to grow up, accept him as he is and stop thinking you can change him and make him marry you through emotional blackmail.
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