How do you REALLY feel about her male friends? (girls, cheating, sex)
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And anyone who thinks alpha males don't "allow" their women to have male friends is also mistaken. The inference is that 'weak men' "allow" their GF's/wives to have male friends and tough guys don't.
It can be boiled down to a much more accurate and simple truism: any man who is threatened by male friends of their women have a lot of growing up to do. Insecurity personified. And that goes for women who don't want their men having female friends.
Being insecure is as human as being happy so stop trying to make yourself look strong for female approval. It really comes off naive and metrosexual. You have insecurities just like the rest of us, you just aren't alpha male enough to admit it. Unless you're now going to assert that alpha males have no insecurities which would be an even more damning indictment that you aren't one.
Women in an exclusive committed relationship that retain their "male friends" are disrespectful of their partner. Simple as that. No one wants his family and friends to see the fiancee or wife out with some other guy at lunch, or sharing her joys and pains of everyday life with another guy. And, a woman who doesn't know that is just plain wrong. Having said that, it is not a man's place to control another person's behavior no matter how out of line she may be. I would start with an unmistakable object lesson and if she doesn't get the message, dump her sorry self.
Wow! Some strong opinions here! And I thought my beliefs might be a little extreme because I don't think people should keep in contact with their EXES while in a relationship (unless there's a kid involved).
A) There's nothing wrong with a woman who is committed to someone else merely having male friends. Texting and emailing = ok, hands down. Talking on the phone = questionable, depending on how often they do this, and Going out, just the two of them = reason to wonder but not necessarily "wrong".
B) You have to add into the equation the personalities and values of both your SO and their friend. Frankly, if your girlfriend's male friend comes off as a player or he flirts with her a lot, you have every reason to not want her hanging around him. This is more true if he disrespects YOU in some way.
C) Every couple should talk about what NOT to talk about with others. Believe it or not, it doesn't always go without saying that a man's girlfriend shouldn't tell her male friend about their arguments, sex life, or what she looks like naked.
and D) If you think your girlfriend's male friend is smarter, stronger, or more funny than you; that's a conversation you need to bring up with her. But you should keep in mind that if you want honesty, chances are you're gonna hear something you don't like. Bottom line, however: She's with YOU. The OP mentioned evolutionary factors. Well, even a man's physical strength is not in the abstract what females are supposedly "wired" to seek out. It's a sign, but ONLY a sign, of the real objective: stability... Your insecurity is instability. Do whatever you can to change it, fast.
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I have a question, what about long-term friendships she had before she met you? Would you be equally intolerant of them? Would you expect her to break off contact with her best platonic friend from childhood, not see him again? The OP is just a typical jealous male, nothing new there. To be honest I'm sure I'd have some of the same insecurities but I'd try to work with it. Even if she did cheat, it's not the end of the world. As long as she still loved me.
I have a question, what about long-term friendships she had before she met you? Would you be equally intolerant of them? Would you expect her to break off contact with her best platonic friend from childhood, not see him again? The OP is just a typical jealous male, nothing new there. To be honest I'm sure I'd have some of the same insecurities but I'd try to work with it. Even if she did cheat, it's not the end of the world. As long as she still loved me.
Eh? I don't think that's gonna help the OP work with his insecurities. Maybe leaving someone the first time they cheat on you isn't rational (though a popular idea, I'd say), but it is a big deal!
The focus should be on specific details that actually predict infidelity. The behavior and expressed views of both the girlfriend and her male friend should be considered in determining exactly how insecure he should be.
Also, I'm sorry, but the length of the friendship between the girlfriend and her male friend makes no difference. If he's respectful to her and her relationship, seems like a good guy with good values, and they're not having much alone time; there's probably no reason to worry. If he's a player-type, disrespectful to the boyfriend, or maybe seems to have feelings for her, it's another story.
OP: Don't be put off by these attacks on you suggesting insecurity. They are BS. If you are simply dating this girl with no commitment on either side, you and she can each do anything you want. If you are committed, engaged or married, she has to lose those male friends except in social situations where you are included. Women that juggle male friends with a committed relationship are themselves insecure and it is them who must change or expect a series of uncommitted partners.
I suggested a serious object lesson above. I don't know enough about the situation to actually construct one for you, but I think that you can take a shot at it using your own wits. Some women, especially insecure ones like your GF need a tangible example of the problem and cannot focus on the objection in the abstract. Don't discuss it with her at all, before or after, no warnings and no explanations. Just start up a communication rich friendship with a woman she does not know and see what happens. Continue it until she gets the message or until you two break up which is probably the best result for you anyway. For my part, I would not waste the time on her since she has shown you so little respect. But I get the drift that you would like to make this work.
(It will help if she is 5 years younger than your GF and a lot thinner. Insecure women are very superficial and you will get the most mileage from someone she sees as a superior female).
Last edited by Wilson513; 01-17-2012 at 07:34 AM..
Women with all female friends tend to not be very interesting people, in my experience. People need a good balance of female and male friends. I'm not a jealous person so I have no problem with this.
Like many men on here my girlfriend has a few male friends. I've read some "guides" on how to attract a girlfriend and keep her (previously to finding this girl), and for the most part they say to not show jealousy about this issue or else you'll appear insecure and pitiful, the opposite of the "alpha male".
Now...for the most part I've followed this advice and somehow faked not being bothered by it and so things have gone pretty smoothly with her. The thing is...on the inside I HATE that she has male friends, and just to unleash a little steam as I write this I will admit that I even enjoy fantasizing about hurting them severely with no shred of guilt whatsoever. I can tell her friends "good luck, take care" about something when in actuality I'd rather something horrible happen to them, preferably by my own hands. She rarely visits them unless its chatting on facebook and a few texts and whatnot, its mostly at occasional parties where she always invites me with, so I probably have nothing to worry about. Needless to say I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the girl hung out with them all the time when I'm not around. Its a huge turnoff(as I realize my jealousy probably is too if she knew how bad it really was). A big part of me feels that all of these feelings are completely natural and actually biologically and evolution-wise the "correct" wiring for a male, even if its primitive and potentially harmful.
Its not even the possibility of sexual cheating that necessarily bothers me the most, its more jealousy over little things like her laughing over their jokes or taking an interest in their hobbies and whatnot. Anything really that detracts her attention away from me and puts another man in the spotlight for her and puts a smile on her face, which can raise the other man's "alpha status" and make mine seem lower or deteriorating in comparison.
Anyway I obviously have jealousy that I've been trying to hide from her, not because I'm ashamed of it(I feel its justified, yeah I can hear a few people cringing out there now) but I hide it because I'm overall happy with the relationship and I don't want to spoil it. I've been brutally honest in this post so guys (and girls) please share your thoughts on jealousy over your partner's opposite sex friends. I'm betting that very few guys actually like their lady's male friends even though they don't like to talk about it or admit it.
I know that this post is old, but by simply looking at numbers, most guy friends aren't really interested in your girl. They probably are off pursuing relationships of their own.
So instead of viewing guy friends as competition, try to view them as potential allies. Invite them to hang out with you and your girlfriend, and if they have girlfriends of their own, invite them along as well. Maybe you'll meet some cool guys that you never would have met before, and chances are you'll strengthen the bond between you and your girlfriend. If these guy friends react positively to this (and many will,) you most likely won't have anything to worry about. The guy friends that are trouble are those that don't want to respect you.
By the way, this advice applies for girls in the same situation as well.
I agree that there is a fine line. Is it ok to have friends of the opposite sex? Sure it is. But I also think that when your committed the nature of the friendships should fit accordingly. Its ok to have old friends on FB. If thats all they have ever been. But do I want my gf going to her guy friends house to hang out? Not so much. I also think there is a diffrence in old friends and "new" freinds. I dont really want her making new guy friends and starting up a friendship with some guy at work.
People these days are so quick with labels and armchair Dr. Phil psychology. If you get jealous your insecure. If you ask her not to do something your controlling. If you dont want a relationship your jaded. Its just such a part of our culture now to not feel basic human emotions. The way I see it when you get into a serious relationship there are some things in your life that have to change. You cant always have your cake and eat it too.
That being said you need to chill with the violent thoughts. Unless one of them gives you no choice and is being totally disrespectful. If they arent then its not really their fault and they arent doing anything to deserve it.
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