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If this is all you got to worry about then you don't have any real trouble at all now do you? In fact this topic is really very shallow and a total waste of everyones time. indeed.
"You're just too sensitive" is the motto for rude jerks everywhere, along with, "I am just being honest." Your hurt feelings aren't her fault, in her mind--they're your problem. She won't change her behavior. People like that never do because they honestly don't think they are the problem. No matter how much you try to make her see it, she won't, so don't bother.
I'm glad you ditched her. I am willing to bet you she tries to weasel her way back into your life, but don't let her.
Often those are followed closely by "This is just the way I am."
Actually, now that I remember it it was followed by, "A friend should be able to say anything they want to their friend without that person getting upset. They should just trust that that friend is not being mean. But I have a feeling that if I told you that I didn't like how you dressed, you would take it offensively." I said, "Yes, I would." And I added that you don't just say whatever you want to a friend.
Actually, now that I remember it it was followed by, "A friend should be able to say anything they want to their friend without that person getting upset. They should just trust that that friend is not being mean. But I have a feeling that if I told you that I didn't like how you dressed, you would take it offensively." I said, "Yes, I would." And I added that you don't just say whatever you want to a friend.
Hmmmmm I find it comical, at best, that this ex-friend, had such amazing double standards! It's funny, isn't it, that as soon as you said something she didn't like, she dropped you like a hot potato! "Why darling! I thought friends should be able to say anything they want to their friends without them getting mad or thinking they're being mean!"
What she really meant to say is, "If you're worthy of being my friend, I should be able to say whatever I want to you, without you getting mad at me. However, you have to be very careful what you say to me, lest it hurt my feelings!" Oh you're so fortunate to be rid of this person. She was not your friend. You might have been hers, but she was most certainly not yours!
She dropped you as a friend because of her rigid double standards. People like that can not stand anyone who doesn't placate them, and yet they abhor those who are indirect? LOL Clearly, people like that are simply happiest when they have something to complain about. Pleasant and happy people can not possibly be real you see?....because they have to be faking it! People like her say what they feel, because at least they're being REAL! LOL
I could be wrong here, but to me....being a friend means yes...sometimes telling someone something that they don't want to hear...but trying to do so very tactfully. You're trying to prevent that person from hitting a brick wall at 100 mph and being destroyed. What is the point in destroying that "friend" with your cruel words, while you are professing to care for them? The difference is, your words have taken the place of the brick wall. Either way, they're going to be hurt.
"You're just too sensitive" is the motto for rude jerks everywhere, along with, "I am just being honest." Your hurt feelings aren't her fault, in her mind--they're your problem. She won't change her behavior. People like that never do because they honestly don't think they are the problem. No matter how much you try to make her see it, she won't, so don't bother.
I'm glad you ditched her. I am willing to bet you she tries to weasel her way back into your life, but don't let her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
Often those are followed closely by "This is just the way I am."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie Jo
Actually, now that I remember it it was followed by, "A friend should be able to say anything they want to their friend without that person getting upset. They should just trust that that friend is not being mean. But I have a feeling that if I told you that I didn't like how you dressed, you would take it offensively." I said, "Yes, I would." And I added that you don't just say whatever you want to a friend.
GAH! Yes, the ol' "friends should let friends treat them like dirt" style of camaraderie.
Forget it. It's okay to trust someone's opinion and know that when you ask them for it, they're going to provide it with nothing but your best interests in mind. It's also okay if a friend gently and tactfully makes a gentle and tactful suggestion regarding something truly important, like, "Chica, you know I think the world of you, right? I just thought maybe you might want to look at today's paper. That guy you gave your number to the other night when we were out dancing? He's on the front page."
And there are ways to help a friend out when they are coping with an issue, and ways of phrasing it that do not indicate judgment, like, "Well, what do you think you should do in this situation? What is your gut telling you?" and "Have you ever thought about trying [this]?"
But nitpicking clothes, friends, computer habits, yawning, food, elements of lifestyle? Nuh-uh.
And then to phrase it like, "I'm just being honest. Friends should be able to say anything to each other."
Right. My response there is usually, "Okay, then I should be able to tell you, with complete and absolute impunity and with full acceptance on your part, to go [boink] yourself."
GAH! Yes, the ol' "friends should let friends treat them like dirt" style of camaraderie.
Forget it. It's okay to trust someone's opinion and know that when you ask them for it, they're going to provide it with nothing but your best interests in mind. It's also okay if a friend gently and tactfully makes a gentle and tactful suggestion regarding something truly important, like, "Chica, you know I think the world of you, right? I just thought maybe you might want to look at today's paper. That guy you gave your number to the other night when we were out dancing? He's on the front page."
And there are ways to help a friend out when they are coping with an issue, and ways of phrasing it that do not indicate judgment, like, "Well, what do you think you should do in this situation? What is your gut telling you?" and "Have you ever thought about trying [this]?"
But nitpicking clothes, friends, computer habits, yawning, food, elements of lifestyle? Nuh-uh.
And then to phrase it like, "I'm just being honest. Friends should be able to say anything to each other."
Right. My response there is usually, "Okay, then I should be able to tell you, with complete and absolute impunity and with full acceptance on your part, to go [boink] yourself."
LMAO! Thanks ever so much *says beachmel as she carefully wipes the coffee off of her keyboard and screen!"
Tried to give you both reps, but I have to spread them around.
So good to hear it from other views. While I saw her double standard in regards to her not being direct, I never thought about it when she said that friends should be able to say what they want and the other person not get hurt.
I was too busy feeling that I was nuts, especially when she denied saying any of these things. I had to go over her letters with a fine tooth comb to see that she could not talk about these matters if she didn't say them.
And it doesn't help that she writes me a letter telling me that "your letters kept interpreting things totally opposite to the way my spirit sent them out, or how I meant them, I felt I finally had to take up for my self...I have considered you like a sister..."
But the rest of her letter mainly complains to me that I didn't listen to her but "then you go on line to many sites,...implying I am either stupid or at least do not know what I am talking about." And then, "You rely too much on internet information from lots of people who don't know so much but want to vegetate at the computer and spew ego stuff..make themselves look better, smarter, etc." ..and if I can't have opinions about things without feeling I have to be so careful about them as you will take it the wrong way or I should say, in a way I did not intend, then that is not a friendship to me."
And I read all this and get so confused in my thinking.
When she blurted out to our acquaintance, "I don't like her friends." That was all she stated, but in this email she said, "I was trying to say you and I were close friends even though I was not like some of your other friends. I meant it as a compliment."
And yet if never said anything other than, "I don't like her friends."
But at least in all the confusion this letter caused me, I saw that clearly she wanted me to just listen to her. As I had said earlier, she did not like that my other garden friend said that grass clippings were good mulch or even that the ag man said that hackberry trees were junk, that trees need to be 30 feet apart and that grass clippings were good.
Her last comment about not 'liking your friends' was inappropriate....I have to wonder: if she considers herself as 'one of your friends', Does that imply she doesn't like herself?
You have to make the decision about being around her: if you don't feel comfortable when she is around, then foster new friendships with people who don't make rude remarks.
Tried to give you both reps, but I have to spread them around.
So good to hear it from other views. While I saw her double standard in regards to her not being direct, I never thought about it when she said that friends should be able to say what they want and the other person not get hurt.
I was too busy feeling that I was nuts, especially when she denied saying any of these things. I had to go over her letters with a fine tooth comb to see that she could not talk about these matters if she didn't say them.
And it doesn't help that she writes me a letter telling me that "your letters kept interpreting things totally opposite to the way my spirit sent them out, or how I meant them, I felt I finally had to take up for my self...I have considered you like a sister..."
But the rest of her letter mainly complains to me that I didn't listen to her but "then you go on line to many sites,...implying I am either stupid or at least do not know what I am talking about." And then, "You rely too much on internet information from lots of people who don't know so much but want to vegetate at the computer and spew ego stuff..make themselves look better, smarter, etc." ..and if I can't have opinions about things without feeling I have to be so careful about them as you will take it the wrong way or I should say, in a way I did not intend, then that is not a friendship to me."
And I read all this and get so confused in my thinking.
When she blurted out to our acquaintance, "I don't like her friends." That was all she stated, but in this email she said, "I was trying to say you and I were close friends even though I was not like some of your other friends. I meant it as a compliment."
And yet if never said anything other than, "I don't like her friends."
But at least in all the confusion this letter caused me, I saw that clearly she wanted me to just listen to her. As I had said earlier, she did not like that my other garden friend said that grass clippings were good mulch or even that the ag man said that hackberry trees were junk, that trees need to be 30 feet apart and that grass clippings were good.
How can one person make me doubt myself so much?
Aww I wouldn't worry any more about this. This sounds like a terribly insecure person who felt 'left-out" of your relationships with others, including your online "friends". I am reminded of a saying I have read, telling you that some people enter your life for a season, some for a reason, etc. Some friendships are not forever Mattie Jo. People may enter your life to learn something from you.....some for you to learn something from.....some, become lifelong friends, some are only there for a season!
Don't doubt yourself. Don't you see Mattie Jo, people like her gravitate to people who doubt themselves! LOL Once you started doubting her, once you started looking for second opinions, gained knowledge that contradicted her opinions.....she dropped you. It's as simple as that. You have been truly blessed to have only had one of these people in your life. Again, consider yourself blessed. You now have time for a new friend in your life! LOL
Thanks so much again Beachmel. I like this saying: I am reminded of a saying I have read, telling you that some people enter your life for a season, some for a reason.
once you started doubting her, once you started looking for second opinions, gained knowledge that contradicted her opinions.....she dropped you. It's as simple as that.
Yes, it is as simple as that. I can see it now. I think I can be comfortable with all of this now.
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would these comments bother you?
It's funny, isn't it, that as soon as you said something she didn't like, she dropped you like a hot potato! "Why darling! I thought friends should be able to say anything they want to their friends without them getting mad or thinking they're being mean!" 
