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Divorce... Means the marriage was disolved. disolved as in no more, gone vanished. It no longer exists. The family has full right to not allow the ex to show up.
Though it does seem unnecessarily cruel to deny a grieving person the right to be at the service, don't you agree?.
Just because a marriage ends doesn't mean the feelings end too. Our OP loved her husband very much, and at one point he loved her too. I feel badly for her that his family doesn't want her there. At a time like this people should come together, not find ways to continue feuds or family fights
I suggested she avoid the funeral for her sake though as much as for the family's sake. I am concerned she could be putting herself in a position to be drug thru the mud and treated in a humiliating way. She's already dealing with a lot and doesn't need anymore pain inflicted on her.
You people are ridiculous. Yes, a funeral is primarily for the family, but it is also for everyone who knew and loved the decedent. They may not have been on good terms at the end, but it doesn't negate that they had a marriage which was only over by 9 weeks at the time of death. The family has no right to prevent an ex-wife from showing up. I'm sure the decedent would want her there paying respects. She was the last person married to him, and is as much family as many of them.
I am single and if I passed away tomorrow, I would want all of my ex-girlfriends in the front row professing their undying love for me
Did you miss the info that at the time of his death he was about to remarry his first wife? We don't really know WHAT he would want her to do right now, but we do know he threw her out at one point and didn't want to be married to her anymore.
You people are ridiculous. Yes, a funeral is primarily for the family, but it is also for everyone who knew and loved the decedent. They may not have been on good terms at the end, but it doesn't negate that they had a marriage which was only over by 9 weeks at the time of death. The family has no right to prevent an ex-wife from showing up. I'm sure the decedent would want her there paying respects. She was the last person married to him, and is as much family as many of them.
I am single and if I passed away tomorrow, I would want all of my ex-girlfriends in the front row professing their undying love for me
I agree with this. Just because some family members are immature and are PLAYING a game doesn't mean THAT is final. If she doesn't go, I bet you $50 someone or all make a comment...."she didn't even show up"! I wouldn't give them the chance!
Mountains I do tend to agree. My grandfathers funeral my grandmother was there and yes they had divorced 52 year earlier. She was emotional too.
If the split was amicable and she was on good terms with the family then yes I'd ask to attend or you could do like my idiot ex when one of her family members passed away. She asked that I attend. She even went as far as asking me to sit with her and the family. I told her that I'd attend but I wouldnt sit with her or the family. As soon as the service was done I jetted. I didn't go to the cemetery for the burial.
If his family is agreeable fine go. Otherwise steer clear of it.
It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is and I can see good points on both sides. OP, do you think you could still find closure if you had a private funeral for him, yourself? Maybe reserve an hour or two of your afternoon and do it at home, say some things, read some passages, whatever you think would help?
Yes, a funeral should be open to the public, but I think all people as thoughtful members of society need to think about how their actions affect others. This woman has a very poor relationship with this man's family and his ex wives. Additionally, they were divorced. Additionally, this man chose to spread lies, stories that made other people angry at her... he made a choice to sabotage her relationship with his family... and in the end this is his family. I have to worry that the potential gain for the OP would be minimal in comparison to how upset it might make multiple members of his family. I would ask myself if it would be worth it to me to inadvertently inflict more hurt on his family on a hard day, merely for my own closure.
I agree with this. Just because some family members are immature and are PLAYING a game doesn't mean THAT is final. If she doesn't go, I bet you $50 someone or all make a comment...."she didn't even show up"! I wouldn't give them the chance!
We don't know that the family members are playing any games
They could just be overcome with grief and not in the right frame of mind to be magnanimous. We don't know why they don't like our OP. She sounds like a lovely person, but they have their side of the story too. Bottom line is, they don't want her there, as sad as that is, and they have the right to their own opinion. Somebody needs to be the bigger person and do the right thing to avoid unnecessary drama.
This is not the time to go all Nancy Grace and get in people's faces.
Some months ago I sought advice on this forum about my relationship with my husband and found it quite helpful. Thus, I am coming back for your opinions on my current situation.
My ex-husband, from whom I've been divorced for nine weeks, has died. He was married three times and I am his most recent wife. He returned to his first wife a few months ago and was with her until he died a couple of days ago. The first wife has made all the funeral arrangements, which will take place at the second wife's church!!
I called my ex-mother in-law to give my condolences, and she was very cold to me and pretended not to know who I was, despite caller ID and my repeating my name four times. In the past she had made it clear that she thought I was wrong to divorce him when he had a terminal illness, although he did everything he could to drive me away. I've found out that my ex told his family, friends and ex-wives a highly fictionalized account of our problems, in which I play the role of heartless monster. Some of his relatives and our friends know this is untrue, but I think the ones who never heard my side may believe his version. So I'm not sure who's minds he's managed to poison against me.
I am, therefore, expecting to get the cold shoulder from some of the other attendees. However I still plan to attend the funeral with some of my family and friends for moral support. We won't be going to the post-funeral reception. I'm not sure what proper etiquette is in a case like this. I'm trying to figure out the best way to get through this with as little stress and drama as possible.
Should I get in line to greet the family, despite the possible hostility of some members? Am I considered one of the family? Where am I supposed to sit? What do I do when I see some of his old friends who knew me very well? Do I wait for them to approach me first? What's the best way to handle the ex-wives, whom I've never met?
Thanks for your help.
I wouldn't go. I was married long term and my divorce was pretty bitter. her family hated me during the divorce but i've heard they're coming around to my way of thinking 9 years later.
like i said "no" i wouldn't go.
Time will bring you closure, not going to his funeral where you will be treated like a pariah.
Personally I would not go, as someone else said, funerals are for the living, they are a time for emotional support of one another. If you know you will get no support or love, why put yourself in that position.
If you insist upon going maybe you could bring your own support person.
It's a tough decision. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Rather than ask a bunch of people on CD who don't know you nor your ex's family, you might want to ask the funeral director for guidance. He could probably ask the appropriate family member what their feelings would be either way and might find a time when you could visit him privately or semi-privately to say your last good-byes.
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I wouldn't give them the chance!
