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I think some are being too quick to excuse his behavior with the catch-all, "Oh, it's not his fault. A bad woman did this to him." Sorry, but that's just ridiculous. By that logic any person can excuse any sort of bad behavior by saying it's someone else's fault from their past.
This guy is being a sleaze. He says he wants to take it slowly, but when details are revealed he clarifies that to mean: pressuring the OP for sex while refusing to consider a formal relationship where he's her boyfriend (jerk), saying he wants her waiting at home for him to come home to at nights while still wanting his freedom to date others (selfish), saying he wants to take it slow and not call too much when it's time for him to call her but as soon as he calls? She better pick up that phone or he gets furious (baby.)
In short this guy is no catch and no matter WHAT the reasons for it, it is not the OP's job to somehow rehabilitate him and make him dateable so that when he dumps her after she gives him easy tail he can be a good boyfriend to the next 10 women (unlikely anyway.) People need to stop indulging their rescuer complex. If someone is not acting dateable, offering what you want in the current moment, then simply pass them by. Mismatch. Don't waste time on someone who may never get there, particularly when their behavior shows that all they want is NSA sex and you to be committed to them while they bang every other girl in town.
He's a loser and a player who is trying to suck the OP in to giving him NSA sex with a lot of poor-me excuses.
Be that as it may. The point being, from the information in the OP, there is nothing wrong with taking things slow. Information she supplies later changes the answer in this particular case, but for the most part there is nothing wrong in not rushing into a relationship.
Be that as it may. The point being, from the information in the OP, there is nothing wrong with taking things slow. Information she supplies later changes the answer in this particular case, but for the most part there is nothing wrong in not rushing into a relationship.
By the way, NSA sex? That's not taking it slow.
With that point, I agree with you. There is nothing wrong in theory with taking things slowly. I had a funny feeling about the OP's first statements because there was contradictory information and then once more details became available it was clear this guy was a liar and a sleaze, not wanting to take things slowly at all... perhaps slow to commit, quick to want sex, ha ha.
In any case, I do agree that going slowly in a relationship IS fine, that's just not what this douche is offering.
This isnt strictly to the thread but since the thread has mostly run its course and because it relates I did want to add something here. I have now 7 days til my divorce is final. It was a long process from the begining of the end to here and the divorce itself has been ongoing since July. It ended with a lot of lies stemming from cheating, it was bad and then some some bad sprinkled on top. Meanwhile my mom is dying from cancer.
I'm pretty much broken inside, dont know how to describe it. I'm not sure when I'm going to feel ready to start seeing someone but I am fair sure that I will be taking it slow once I do find my way out of the place I am now if for no other reason than I do not know how to go about loving again. I guess where I'm going is that when the time comes I hope that someone will give me a chance and not throw me in the damaged goods bin without seeing what I am. Not every man who has been hurt wants a mommies shoulder to cry on or to debase a woman in order to feel better about himself. Some of us want to heal and move on and although it is hard for me to imagine now, find love again.
This isnt strictly to the thread but since the thread has mostly run its course and because it relates I did want to add something here. I have now 7 days til my divorce is final. It was a long process from the begining of the end to here and the divorce itself has been ongoing since July. It ended with a lot of lies stemming from cheating, it was bad and then some some bad sprinkled on top. Meanwhile my mom is dying from cancer.
I'm pretty much broken inside, dont know how to describe it. I'm not sure when I'm going to feel ready to start seeing someone but I am fair sure that I will be taking it slow once I do find my way out of the place I am now if for no other reason than I do not know how to go about loving again. I guess where I'm going is that when the time comes I hope that someone will give me a chance and not throw me in the damaged goods bin without seeing what I am. Not every man who has been hurt wants a mommies shoulder to cry on or to debase a woman in order to feel better about himself. Some of us want to heal and move on and although it is hard for me to imagine now, find love again.
Crabman, I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you understand that many of us were not posting against going slowly in a relationship, per se, but more against this specific situation where the BF was saying he wanted to go slowly, but pressuring her for sex, wanting to control her basically while hiding behind the excuse of going slowly any time she asked for commitment. I don't think I read many (if any) responses suggesting someone would be damaged goods merely because they wanted to go slowly or had a difficult past to deal with.
That being said, I think there is something to be said for making sure to get one's own head in a good place before you start dating again. I think too often people rush right back out there before the dust is settled because they're quick to want to reclaim the couple-y life they had before. While it's usually not a winning bet to move at light-speed in a relationship, I think it's also possible to be too wary, too unwilling to open yourself up again. This may not even have to do with "ever" but could be more an issue of timing, of rushing into something new too soon. If you take the time to properly deal with the death of one relationship, to get past it, learn from what happened and nurse yourself while you heal, you can come through the other side stronger. But that typically doesn't happen when you rush back out into the dating world because you want comfort and companionship. Usually you end up having a few rebounds, hurting a few people who honestly liked you.
The other side of it, is how long should someone expect to wait for someone who may require years to be "ready", to become a partner that can give back freely? Is it worth the risk? It's easy to wax poetic and say it should be if you love them, but how many times does that waiting man or woman end up being hurt in the end when the reluctant person passes through the grieving stage and realizes that while they were good for comfort, they aren't ultimately what they want? I have comforted more than one friend who has been a rebound for someone who started dating too soon and wasn't over the ex. I can tell you that I would still advise anyone who asks to put their money on someone who is ready and willing to date fully... not that a skittish person won't ever get there, but that they might not be there just yet.
"Taking things slow" when it comes to men means only one thing - he's not that into you. Men do not think with their upper heads when they're really into someone."
Spoken by a man who probably has never had a romantic relationship lasting beyond 2 hours.
A real man will wait for a woman he cares about. He will wait months if necessary because the woman is worth it and he has the maturity to be patient. All real men think with their brains FIRST and their penises SECOND. And any man that tells you differently is either 15 years old or clueless when it comes to women.
Yes, it seems as if the guy is just trying to prevent being committed to one person while getting the benefits. I had taken going slowly to preclude sex right away. Also, taking it slow implies you are not seeing other people. It is a big deal to actually take things slow, because you are committing to not see other people while also taking the physical relationship slowly.
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