Being "too nice" in general... (boyfriend, woman, loyalty)
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Sometimes "being nice" means that we "go along" with what other people want in order to "please them."...We sacrifice our own wants and needs at times to make others happy. After awhile this can lead to resentment if we start to feel that we are doing most of the "giving" and "pleasing" and end up "going without"....or don't feel truly appreciated. Do you ever stop and ask yourself if you are being "too nice" versus being "real" and honest in your relationships? ...It's easy to blame the other person when we finally recognize that we've gone overboard but we've been part of the equation too...What does it say about us when we play "people pleaser" in some of our relationships? What did we gain from being this way? ....Do we wrap our image around "being nice" and "good" and "holy" and supposedly "perfect?" Do we have fears about being labeled selfish? What's really "going on?"
My boyfriend is a people pleaser, to his own detriment unfortunately. He runs himself ragged trying to fit everyone in and please everyone. Its exhausting at times to watch him. So when his mental health began to deteriorate he decided to separate himself from practically everyone (including me) in order to get himself better.
I told him from the beginning that people who put others happiness above their own will always be less happy then those they are attempting to please. It's a vicious cycle that he only seemed to snap out of once he hit rock bottom.
I find myself telling him constantly that life isn't perfect and nothing will make it so. It's a tough lesson to learn.
It's trying to get acceptance and love from people that they never got from parents. They try and try to do everything in their power to please others so people will love and accept them. Only when they finally come to terms on why they are people pleasers or too nice will they finally be able to love and accept themselves.
Sometimes "being nice" means that we "go along" with what other people want in order to "please them."...We sacrifice our own wants and needs at times to make others happy. After awhile this can lead to resentment if we start to feel that we are doing most of the "giving" and "pleasing" and end up "going without"....or don't feel truly appreciated. Do you ever stop and ask yourself if you are being "too nice" versus being "real" and honest in your relationships? ...It's easy to blame the other person when we finally recognize that we've gone overboard but we've been part of the equation too...What does it say about us when we play "people pleaser" in some of our relationships? What did we gain from being this way? ....Do we wrap our image around "being nice" and "good" and "holy" and supposedly "perfect?" Do we have fears about being labeled selfish? What's really "going on?"
It makes me genuinely happy to "be nice" and "kind" to people, simply for the sake of "being nice". For me, it's really all about (paraphrased here) "loving your neighbor, as yourself, with all your heart" and "doing unto others, as you would have them do unto you."
Has being nice caused me to also be taken advantage of by others, in the past? Certainly (even including my own family). Does it make me want to become jaded or bitter, or make me want to stop being compassionate and caring to other people? Absolutely not. For me, "forgive/love your enemies", "bless those that hurt and persecute you", "turn the other cheek", are some sayings come to mind that help dull some of the disappointment. However, there is also a line that has to be drawn as well, sometimes -- if the other party has become abusive (emotionally, physicallly, verbally, etc.), a person has entirely reasonable grounds to be assertive, and tell the other party in no uncertain terms that their behavior is 100% unacceptable.
I believe the problem of the "nice" thing occurs when someone worries more about someone else' happiness over their own. In my experiences I have learned that if I can make myself happy first then I am better equiped to share my happiness and thus help others be happy. Because if I can be happy for myself first how can anyone around me possibly be made happy by me?
I think "overly nice people" develop the attitude that everyone is always suppose to be "super nice" to them in return for all their "niceness" to others...This is where things can get "sticky." This is where anger and resentment can step-in and a sense of entitlement..."I've been 'nice and giving' to you so now you 'owe me' all kinds of things...You 'owe' me your life and your love and loyalty forever and ever!"...."How dare you 'say no' to me or walk away when I've been 'so nice' to you?"
In some ways being nice to the extent of giving up a lot for others hinges on idealism that that effort will not be taken advantage of, that it will be appreciated and even reciprocated when the altruist him or herself is in need. That human nature can reward kindness with kindness. Some people perhaps put a lot of trust in human nature.
Yet the fact that we have sayings "no good deed goes unpunished" and "nice guys finish last" shows that it won't always be the case. Why bother putting in effort that'll just encourage cheats and scoundrels? Alas, that's the world we live in.
"Turning the other cheek", or "laying down your life for others" remains an ideal to be actualized by most in the real world, setting aside theological beliefs, due to human nature and the nature of the world in general.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
I think "overly nice people" develop the attitude that everyone is always suppose to be "super nice" to them in return for all their "niceness" to others...This is where things can get "sticky." This is where anger and resentment can step-in and a sense of entitlement..."I've been 'nice and giving' to you so now you 'owe me' all kinds of things...You 'owe' me your life and your love and loyalty forever and ever!"...."How dare you 'say no' to me or walk away when I've been 'so nice' to you?"
Then that's not being nice. That's only nice in the sense that a business deal is nice.
I don't understand the need to see to it that a person is being nice at their own detriment. I get that helping people is a good thing. At the same time, I get that being run over is a bad thing. Why choose to be run over? And please don't tell me that choice isn't being made because if it happens repeatedly, it most definitely is a choice.
I'm a very nice person, but once i stopped being 'overly nice' I found that people stopped walking all over me and taking advantage of me. There are tons of people out there who need to let go of their overly nice persona because they don't realize how much people are taking advantage of them.
As a woman and a "mom" I've been conditioned to put my family first...When I have to "say no" or put my own needs first it's easy for me to feel guilty...My husband had some "guilt feelings" at times but never as many as I did! He seemed better equipped to "move on" when the kids reached adulthood...But I always struggled with all of it and still do at times.
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