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I would not believe a single word he says about not having done anything with her since it seemed like there was a concrete plan. I bet if you questioned more, he might admit to having done more, whether it is with more women, or more with that same woman. Liars always give out information in little bits and try to make it sound better than reality. He thinks he got off the hook easy. I would start working on a plan to get some money in the divorce. It's time to start planning for your own future. By all means you should tell your family and friends. The only person that should be embarrassed is HIM not you. And if he had any shred of decency and wants to save the marriage he would have to work very hard to show that he is serious about "saving the marriage".
Sometimes men (and women) cant go through with it, there is no knowing until the situation is there. Not that that really changes anything, whether or not he had does not change the reality that he was actively seeking to put himself in a position where it could happen. In doing so he betrayed your trust no less than if he had added the injury of actually cheating.
As already stated you should be aware that this may be the tip of the iceberg, it is possible he has already been cheating. It is also possible that he may never until this very situation have considered cheating. You dont know. You need to find out.
A little warning signal to me about your relationship is that you say you "came across" an email. By this you mean you tripped and reached out your arm to steady yourself and your hand accidently brushed the power button to his laptop which just happened to have been put to sleep with that particular email up? See where I'm going? My apologies if I am mistaken but my thought is you were looking and it appears as if your instincts were right unless this is something you did regularly and just now hit paydirt.
All in all, I agree with what has already been said, 25 years says talk to a pro, you owe it to yourself to take the time to try and determine what you have before you make any choices.
A few months ago I came across an email my husband sent to a woman on line. Upon further searching, I found several emails that went back and forth between them. In the emails my husband had sent a picture of himself to her and he was requesting one from her. She did send it. He was convincing her to meet for coffee, drink or dinner. He stated, "I know we shouldn't rush things, but I really want to meet the person behind the picture." He was willing to drive all the way to Providence RI to meet her or, he offered her his parking space at his company in Boston if she preferred. She said she said she would come to Boston as she had not been there for a while. He said they could walk along Newbury St, have a drink and then go to the top of the Prudential for dinner. (This was copied from a very special day we had spend together.) The last email was from him giving her different time periods and days that he was available. There were many choices. He was very available! Unfortunately, I confronted him. In hind-sight, I wish I had not said anything, so that I would know if he actually went on the date. Of course, he denied it initially. I kicked him out and after a few days, he admitted it. He said he was just being cocky and that it was just a game. He said he had no intentions of actually going on the date. He didn't think it qualified as cheating since there had been nothing physical and that they did not even discuss anything sexual online. I forgave him, but since then I have been dealing with a lot of bad feelings. I do not trust him. I have been betrayed. I used to actually believe that he would never do anything like that. I really did believe that he was crazy about me. I confess that our sex life was far from great, but ironically it had been gettin a lot better at the time this happened. My kids found out about because one of them overheard us fighting. We have been married for 25 years. Our kids are on the verge of leaving the nest and we were looking forward to our new freedom. Now everything is different! I'm haunted by his words to her. At how concerned he was for her comfort. I could go on and on. I'm so depressed, so wounded. I feel ugly and insignificant. I don't have anybody to talk to as I am too embarrassed to confess this to family or friends. Any words of wisdom would be very appreciated.
As a man who has seen this a few times I think he would have done "it" if the other woman would have gotten together with him. I'm sorry for what you are going through as I have people close to me that have recently cheated and I hate what they did. These were to be your "golden years" together and yes it is great to have it be just you and him but now you've got a decision to make.
Men that cheat are pigs but sometimes I don't think women realize how important sex is to most men. For some men that's all they think about and they want to have it with their wife but for some reason their sex life just "isn't right". IMO couples need to fix that and guys need to learn to understand what makes their wife tick so that it can be fixed. That part of a relationship can be so complicated and delicate that some couples just can't get through it. Anyway, good luck and you're NOT ugly.
25 years is a long time - not something to give up on lightly (although he seemed willing to). See someone to heal and address the issues, pain and hurt you are feeling. If you feel inclined also have your husband see someone - either way - after you can see and think clearly - make the best decision for you.
Unfortunately, his plans didn't correspond with your plans when the kids left home. I guess he thought he fly the coop too with the kids. Seems like there must have been a communication problem or one spouse just assuming what their "golden years" were going to be like. But you know what happens when you assume...
sad to think that you were looking forward to a second more exciting life with your hubby after the kids left home, and he's more into sowing wild oats.. sadder still that he would learn the hard way that what he has at home is just as good or better. This certainly does seem like a critical time in most marriges, I hope you realize you are no less a person without him, I wish you the best.
I just posted what I did in your situation, though I had proof he cheated. I'm sorry to say, I think he would have gone through with it and may have already cheated before this woman. I could not stay, but some do and move on to have happy marriages.
I found out that my ex was cheating on me via online at first. he would still tell you today if you asked him that he did not cheat. On the day of our divorce he still said he didnt do anything...I had hired a private detective who told me he had been living with this girl. All of it started online....
I tried to make it work..now my ONLY regret is trying to make it work..I feel like I was such a loser..now in hindsight. Because if someone could hurt you like that they cant love you like they should..if at all. We have not been together for years but even as I write this now if I could go back in time, I would have been done with him the first day. Cheating is cheating..and emotional cheating is cheating...If they give themselves online to someone (and not in a sexual way) you have lost him. But take pleasure in that he will cheat on every woman he is ever with more than likely. My ex I found out after had cheated on his ex with someone else. She dumped him for unknown reasons to me then we got together. So I am sure he will or already has cheated on this one...What comes around goes around..
But you dont deserve this..so if you feel like you can handle this then try..or maybe set a deadline to try it and then get divorced...if you must try set a deadline to free youself...and believe me there is life again...
I found a wonderful man who I now see such a difference between the two....
Good luck..you sound like such a womderful woman...you are worth so much more..
Hate to say it, but he's cheated before, and would have done it this time if you didn't catch him. Maybe will anyways.
I know because I've been in your exact same shoes. It is the most devastating thing to go through, to be sure. Especially if you didn't see it coming. Get into therapy for YOU, and then start visualizing a new life for yourself. You deserve love, honor and respect. His flippant response to your PAIN is an indication of his lack of loyalty to you, and his self-serving arrogance. You don't play games with marriage.
The marriage you knew (or thought you knew) is forever changed. It will never be the same. Many find it too painful to repair, especially when the unfaithful is not taking responsibility as yours is not. You cannot make it whole by yourself. Even with two vested parties, it is sometimes unrepairable.
Someone told me this when I was first going through it, and it really helped:
The pain that you feel today is the worst you are going to feel. You will have good days, and bad, but it will not get worse than today. You are at your bottom. You have nowhere to go but up from here. You will hold on, day by day, sometimes hour by hour and rebuild a new life for yourself. Just take one step at a time and use the opportunity to do something you'd have done had you lived a different life. Find your life's passion, and dedicate to it.
He, on the other hand, has not hit bottom. He may hit it in 6 months, a year, or maybe never. But he will never be able to hurt you again.
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