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I have been married for over a year...and dated before that. And my husband's family just has not accepted me. He has three siblings (two twin sisters and one brother). My husband does not have a good close relationship with any of his siblings. Two of them he speaks to only when he has to and they are civil..but there is no spark there for them. The other one he sees once a year at a holiday dinner and she doesnt speak to my husband.
My husband is extremely close with his mother (almost a momma's boy) and I had to take care of some issues this first year. That part is taken care of on my husband's part finally (it was a struggle). My mother in law has never been rude to me..but she is icy polite. She just doesnt like me...and its not me. My husband says she is jealous because she spent time with him daily until we got married. We got married and he moved to another town even.
I just get frustrated because the rest of the family is so bonded to each other..my sister in law (married to my husband's only brother) and my mother in law speak on the telephone every day nearly. Last Sunday my sil and my mil and our husbands went to see a sick family member in the hospital and my mil talked only to my sil..said maybe one sentence to me.
My husband finally set down and argued with his mother and father and said they had not accepted me and he was tired of it. We didnt go there for Thanksgiving because he said he was giving them time to decide to treat me better. It didnt work unfortunately!
My mother in law told my husband the reason she spends more time with my sil is because they have children and we do not. She also said that when her other son married my sil that she was younger and felt like getting to know my sil then. She is too old now to get to know me.... my mil is late 50's,,,i think 58 or 59.
I am not upset with my husband at all because he did step up to the plate and tell my mil to make an effort for me. She just is not going to do so..so anytime I see his family I get upset because I feel so ignored, unwanted, and out of place. I have not spoken (disowned) one of my half sisters because of how mean she was to everyone all the time and now here I am trying over and over again with my in laws. That makes me feel terrible that I cared enough about myself that I knew that my relationship with my sister was not good and i needed to stop it...so now I feel like a loser that I havent said enough is enough with my in laws and just stop seeing them.
My husband's family seems that they have sort of excluded him in some aspects of the family information. He now is the last to know the family gossip if he ever gets to know...even when a family memeber dies he is not told by his family..a distant counsin called him 12 hours later adn told him..his father stated we just didnt think to tell you! But his mother had called the other siblings (or as she says they all called her)! So i feel like they have excluded him some from the family..and that is because of me!
I love my husband and feel like if I do not go with him when he wants to see his family that it will hurt our marriage..eventually. I am so worrried that the stress from the family is going to make things hard on us eventually.
I just thought I would try to look at some fresh perspectives and see what others think....
My STBX's family never treated me well. And it never made any sense because I did everything for my H. I always worked, made a lot of money, and even put him through school. They should have loved me.
H refused to stand up for me. That is one of the many reasons why he is a STBX. He never figured out that getting married meant his own family had to come first. He let them treat me badly and that hurt. If he had just stood up once, that probably would have solved the problem.
If his family won't treat you with respect, you should both politely stop associating with them. Just end it. They are playing control games and they win if they are allowed to behave poorly towards you.
I have thought about that luckygem... my husband has tried to do things with his mom and dad and us out of town and my mil says she is too sick or old..
I was thinking of driving to where they live which is around an hour and asking her if she wanted to go out to eat or something..she would never come here.. I have invited her the last two years for christmas and she says no and goes to my sil house.
My husband did say that his mother and I are totally different and we do not have anything in common...he stated that my sil is always asking my mil for help and i am a very independent person and I have never asked for her anything or any help...he believes that because his mother is a caregiver who tries to take care of everyone that she doesnt know what to do with me! Which may be true...
I think I will try that next week..maybe see if we can go out to eat somewhere alone! thanks
and yellowsnow thanks for your comments..I am so sorry your relationship was like that...I really admire you for handling that as well as you did...you really sacrificed a lot for your husband....but you gave it your all and you put 100 percent in your relationship..that is truly what you need to do!
She's too old to get to know you? They didn't think to tell him about a death in the family? What lame excuses are these? Looks to me like you're better off not being in their company.
Your obligation is to your husband and yourself. He is doing right by you and that is all that matters. If they can't respect you, they can do without you. Don't volunteer yourself to be humiliated and disrespected because they are his family.
Don't feel bad about tolerating more from them than you did your sister. I have one of those as well, and I am harder on my family than I am anyone else. They should be the last ones to betray me, so they will be the first to hit the curb in my world. But I see your line of thinking. Don't beat yourself up for it
I've never been married, but I have had a couple of jealous moms in the mix. I let them have it and let them be. I have family and friends I can spend my holidays and special occasions with. Hunny was welcome to come with me or go with mom. I would never expect my SO to tolerate that kind of thing. I can't imagine why anyone would expect it of me.
I don't think it would hurt your marriage at all if you don't go with him when he visits his family...it might actually help, and for both of you to find some peace of mind, it might be for the best.
I don't think it would hurt your marriage at all if you don't go with him when he visits his family...it might actually help, and for both of you to find some peace of mind, it might be for the best.
This is a good idea. Why continue to put yourself out there if they refuse to be nice to you? My ex In-laws were very nice to me, but even if I didn't feel like attending a family function, I'm not going to go. My husband can have fun with his family without me.
actually the best thing to do is go with him when he goes to see family, but don't let THEM bother YOU. look at it as rubbing it in their faces that you and he are still together. they will either warm up to you, or not. that is up to them.
You're complicating a simple issue: excise these in-laws from your life. You don't need any of their B.S. and you should be #1 in your husband's life. If he wants to see his parents, fine, then he goes alone. Life's too short to put up with any of this nonsense. Simply stop seeing them or speaking to them on the phone or having any contact with them. They don't accept you? To hell with them! What more is there to know or say?
My in-laws never accepted me and were blatantly rude. Once I married, I never saw them again, nor did my husband (and they are very wealthy and they disinherited him). Life goes on... I would rather have peace of mind and not be subjected to their intrusive rudeness. We haven't seen them in 20 years and have no desire to. They lost a son because they didn't accept who he married. Pathetic, but it's their loss.
Reminds me a bit of my 1st marriage. Different dynamics but her parents were overbearing to the extreme. They meant well, wanted to help us all they could, etc. But could not understand that we needed space. My ex & her mom had always had issues to begin with, a few with her dad too & the mom & dad had issues between them. Dad largely avoided the mom by living at the office as much as possible, etc. We had our own pressures, as any couple, from stressful jobs. We would have survived if we had moved at least 1 state away & created some distance.
We've had friends with various inlaw problems. 1 couple in particular had been married 40 years. Stayed near his mother to help care for her. The mother was abusive to him the whole time. She was a source of misery for much of the family. They for sure should have moved several states away & left no address or phone number. Some families are sick & the only way to survive is to leave.
My present wife & I have been married 20 years. Her mom & dad are great. They could live next door & we'd be fine.
I have a distant relative that controlled & manipulated her family ever since early childhood. She broke up her son's first marriage & strained the 2nd marriage until he cut off all contact with her.
It seems that your husband does his best with his family but they are just bad apples somehow. He has been the mom's favorite son & you've stolen him away. Nothing you do will ever be right or good enough. Is it possible for you & he to move away? I sense this would be your only chance at a normal life. As long as they are nearby, he won't be able to distance himself, he's not made that way. You are catching the short end of it all & it will take its toll on you first, as it already is, then on him. Move away, start a new life, make new friends, save yourselves a lot of misery. Move further than a quick easy trip for them. Use caller ID, control how many calls you take, if at all. If necessary, move again & leave no information for anyone.
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