What married people put up with

[nimchimpsky]

Originally Posted by hindsight2020

Marriage is not required for lifetime companionship...

As to deal breakers in marriage, yeah infidelity and irresponsible financial behavior are one-strikers. It certainly was in my failed marriage. Infidelity is usually symptomatic of a relationship that went on a nose dive long before.

As to the argument of weighing the opportunity cost of all those economic and emotional anchors one wraps around their head after decades of a marriage, that's a terrible argument. I know I was complicit in such thought process in my own failed relationship, and said attitude is a mistake. That's what I call relationship mortgaging (i.e. stay together for the kids/house/retirement/et al). A by-product of the state-delineated contract people sign without really giving it thought, and do not insulate themselves against for fear of offending the other partner's sensitivities. It's a life sentence and it doesn't have to be that way. Kids or retirements or material standards of living are not worth a disingenuous life, which is why one shouldn't mortgage their life against such whipsaw construct in the first place.


To each their own, I can't go back to that terrible place. I'm not marrying again, and if I do it's prenup city or bust baby. good luck!

This.

Being married definitely requires negotiation and effort but there is also such thing as trying too hard. I put up with the every day things I found annoying but weren't awful. For example she listened to the same music and I was never into her music and sometimes I just hated it but I put up with it. I also put up with her messiness and lack of hygiene. It was when the abuse kicked in that I started thinking about leaving her. I even let her hit me several times and hit my roommate once before I left her for good.

I also agree that marriage doesn't have to be a life sentence. It can be longterm but no one should have to sell their soul to "happily ever after."

[duvallwest]

Originally Posted by NotARedneck

Once a man is married, he doesn't HAVE to put up with these things, as long as he is willing to give up his house, half his assets and pay alimony and child support for many years. Of course, if HE is the one to file divorce, he'll be tagged as a low life scum who avoids commitment and cannot tolerate a modern, empowered woman in an "equal" relationship.

Consequently, most men wait for their wife to grow bored with abusing them and hope she files instead. Beats sleeping in his car.

Either you are a bitter person or you have a sense of humor....Im hoping the latter is true

Life is way too short for bitterness....in my parent's divorce, and my dad beat my mom, the house was paid for and got sold at the highest bidder..and my mom and dad spilt the money equally. My dad paid a little child support which I am sure you agree is a good thing. But no alimony...they had been married for 15 years.....My Dad left and built another house with his half because he was a carpenter and could do it himself cheap...And lived happily ever after. I moved into a small apartment with my mother and she used the small amount from their home (highest bidder was not even half of what it was worth) and paid for me to go thru college so I would not ever be in her shoes (as she put it). She dropped out of high school and got married at 16 and had never worked outside the home...so now all the sudden she had nothing and no skills..she had to start from the beginning. And she did it all for love. So if you look at it that way my mother was the one who had it rough..compared to my father.

I had one bad relationship. I wont bore you with those details but when I started getting abused emotionally (like wanting me to go from a size 6 to a size 2 and calling me fat when I was not) I ended it. I set a deadline and did some counseling and it didnt work..so that was that.

I stayed single for a while and have been married for years to a wonderful man. The good far outweighs the bad but even once in a while a
seemingly "perfect' man can drive you nuts....lol. for me infidelity would be hard to ignore (as that was one of my previous relationships problems) but it is hard to say if the situation would warrant us working on it...like was it a pattern or just a one time mistake. I think that is the hardest issue to deal with besides maybe abuse. the thing that drives me nuts is my in laws and I think that puts a hardships on a marriage..but you both can overcome it. Just pick you battles and forgive forgive forgive..because even us gals need the forgiveness sometimes

[salsipuedes]

For me TRUST is king. When trust is gone, everything is over. No matter what the finances are...as long as your spouse is honest .

[carlitasway]

Originally Posted by h886

As someone else said, some things are harder to forgive.

I think the key difference is that once you're married, have kids, buy a house, save for retirement, spend 15 years together, etc, you have more at stake than when you were 19 and just dating. You have to gauge the risk and cost of working through a heavy issue like lying or infidelity against what you stand to lose if you just give up and throw the towel in. Some of those cases end up in divorce regardless, but having 3 kids, a house, a partner who has generally been good for 14 years and only screwed up in the last one, etc, is more of an incentive to try to repair the problems rather than just give up and start over.

This.

[TaoistDude]

Other than a very rare argument or misunderstanding, I put up with love, laughter, affection, companionship, cuddles, conversation, compliments, acceptance, constructive criticism, caring, forgiveness, encouragement, partnership, understanding, LOTS of sex, help with laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, shopping, bills, yard work, planning, and on and on. Granted, this is a marked and welcome departure and distinction from my first marriage, but when you get it right, it's very right.