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See, I don't think it's that simple. Marriage is about love. At the same time, it's about partnership, too.
Reading between the lines on the OP, you have someone who seems to be worrying about her partner's general lack of direction in life. The world is filled with marriages where one person doesn't live up to his or her end of the bargain, leaving the other to do all the worrying and all the work. And, over time, that person gets resentful, no matter how strong the love originally was.
I was going to say. It seems acceptable to have women stay home and do a house chore here and there, cook a meal or two, etc. This guy is at least bringing 30K, right? So it’s not like he’s just staying home.
Just think about it as if it was the other way around.
Yeah, but what if we turned the tables and had a situation where the husband was busting his hump to make ends meet while the wife hit a lick at earning a living and essentially threw away money every week? I bet you'd get a similar set of responses.
The thing is, unless you are an executive, a lawyer, or a doctor today, it's extremely hard for a one-income household to survive, especially in an uber-expensive market such as DC.
They need to make some decisions about what's important to them, plan accordingly, and stick to it. Otherwise, a lot of misery will be in store for them, particularly the guy. One day, she'll walk in and say, "Joe, I've had it. I want a divorce," and the guy will have no clue why.
No i disagree, you have a child and love is the most important thing.
Turn this around and see it as if your roles were reversed and you were the lower producing one.
Also what it sounds to me is that both of you are going in different directions. He might not be as career driven as you are and not care about making money. Both of you need to sit down and communicate on were you see your lives going. Because you are getting resentful of him, you really need to have a heart to heart talk now. Also don't let outside interferences sway your thinking of him, sounds like you are listening to other friends that are making money and they are giving you their opinions. I don't discuss my personal problems or issues with anyone.
Sit down and talk to him and see were he wants his life to go and what his career plans are.
You didn't know about his lack of ambition during the 5 years you dated before the marriage?
I don't envy you, loveisyou, being in such a situation, and I am sorry that you are going through this. Your resentment will only continue to grow. My advice is to see a good counselor/therapist - together as a couple, or alone if he will not go with you. Sounds like you could use an unbiased professional (not just us folks on C-D) to help you sort things out and decide whether you can continue to live with a man whom you do not respect. Good luck to you.
When you married you became a team. It shouldn't bother you that you're earning twice what your husband does, and I disagree strongly that you should throw it in his face by dictating how much money he can have (allowance). Both incomes are a part of the family income and should be shared equally from the pot.
When my first wife and I were starting out I earned roughly 5X what she did. In fact, I wanted her to stay home with the baby, but she wanted to work. Ten years later, after I sold my first business, she was actually making more than I was (not counting the income from the sale of my former business). These things can flip-flop and might with you two also. There's nothing wrong with being a bar manager if he's learning and has a workable, reasonable goal and is making progress toward it. A good bar manager can earn double your $60K. I'm not sure if managing a "dive" is the best way to learn, however.
The lottery thing is nuts and makes me wonder about him, however. The chances of making money from it are so remote that nobody should seriously think they'll ever win anything big, and if he believes that he doesn't have much of a head on his shoulders. That said, I think most of us have jokingly quipped that we "intend to win the lottery." I've said it, and I don't spend $10 a year on tickets. As a previous poster stated, it's a voluntary tax in which one-in-a-million gets a big reward. Your husband is throwing away money that should go into savings for his further education or for investment in that bar he wants. It's not a huge sum, (Smokers spend that much on cigarettes.) but it's just the idea. If he wants to become a bar owner, every spare penny should go toward that goal.
I hope you two can have a serious "sit down" and talk about goals and how to best attain them. If you can, be supportive and don't throw your income in his face. A marriage is not a competition.
I agree with people who have suggested that your husband could possibly be a stay at home Dad while working on improving his career prospects with more education but I would also be upset about his apparent lack of direction and especially the business with the lottery spending because that's getting into dumb and dumber territory. Buying lottery tickets is just throwing money away over a pipedream of becoming an instant millionaire rather than facing the economic realities that he's facing. A great many poor people spend large amounts of their meager income on the lottery for the same reason which reveals why they're so poor in the first place.
This seems to be a decision that involves much more than your incomes and the fact that you're posing this question makes me suspect that you've come to realize that your marriage was probably a mistake but would like to get some input from others. It's a very difficult situation and I wish you well.
Since you make twice what he does you should look into having him be a stay at home dad. Then he can work on school when he has down time. $60K isn't bad and is well above average for DC. Granted your combined $90K is that much better.
Also make sure you're resentment is justified and not just a manifestation of women's instinctive hypergamy.
A bar manager can make 120k? Damn I am in the wrong business.
I would assume so. I was offered $100K plus stock 20 years ago to manage a family restaurant, and I struggle making a tuna salad sandwich (zero restaurant experience). Good bars are VERY profitable.
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Good bars are VERY profitable.
