Husband makes way less money than me (woman, lover, family)

[CarolVa1977]

Originally Posted by WyoNewk

I would assume so. I was offered $100K plus stock 20 years ago to manage a family restaurant, and I struggle making a tuna salad sandwich (zero restaurant experience). Good bars are VERY profitable.

Yeah 20 years ago.... in this economy lawyers are out of work. LOL

[lakeman0]

i don't get it? You knew his job before you married... is it some kind of sudden surprise?

[bobman]

I see what you're saying, but I'm working a specific angle.

Originally Posted by cpg35223

See, I don't think it's that simple. Marriage is about love. At the same time, it's about partnership, too.

Reading between the lines on the OP, you have someone who seems to be worrying about her partner's general lack of direction in life. The world is filled with marriages where one person doesn't live up to his or her end of the bargain, leaving the other to do all the worrying and all the work. And, over time, that person gets resentful, no matter how strong the love originally was.

I was heading in this general direction.

Originally Posted by lakeman0

i don't get it? You knew his job before you married... is it some kind of sudden surprise?

[Malkiel]

Originally Posted by lakeman0

i don't get it? You knew his job before you married... is it some kind of sudden surprise?

Well, she did get married when he was 21. He just graduated, at that time anything can happen. Yes, he probably had a humanities degree but he still could've gone for a CPA, law school, public policy school, teacher school or just an average corporate job. A history degree is still useful for jobs with no specific degree pre-requisites.

Although, she should've known his personality. A lack of ambition is never a good thing.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by PJ8

You didn't know about his lack of ambition during the 5 years you dated before the marriage?

I don't envy you, loveisyou, being in such a situation, and I am sorry that you are going through this. Your resentment will only continue to grow. My advice is to see a good counselor/therapist - together as a couple, or alone if he will not go with you. Sounds like you could use an unbiased professional (not just us folks on C-D) to help you sort things out and decide whether you can continue to live with a man whom you do not respect. Good luck to you.

Well, he was 21 at the time. You really don't know what somebody's future professional life will be at that time.

Which is why, once again, I'll offer that nobody should get married right out of school. Period. You change more in the five years after completing your education than you do for the rest of your life. Your interests, your hobbies, your philosophies, your priorities, and your work habits will evolve to the point of making you completely unrecognizable from your former self.

Hey, I'm not saying a marriage at that aged is doomed to fail. But the odds of success are considerably lower.

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

There are educated men making under 50K

Loveisyou, as the head and "husband" in the family, it's time for you to be tough. Make your rules and make him adhere. Don't let him buy his lotto tickets. It's as simple as that. Start saying "No".

You can start by putting all your salary on "family" savings. And run the house with his salary. Maybe then he will realize how much money he spends and will start being responsible.

[yellowsnow]

Whenever two people are in a relationship, one will make more money than the other. Just a fact. You knew what his work ethic and his career prospects were well before you married. You knew you were going to be the main breadwinner. You can't change him. But you can change you.

You can start by sharing your financial situation completely and work out a budget together. A budget that includes money for both of you to spend as you please. If he choses to spend his on the lottery, so be it. Come up with something you can both agree to and stick with. No excuses. And it has to include savings.

You are in a long term relationship and you are the one who wants to change the rules. What used to be OK with you isn't OK anymore. He deserves to know that the rules have changed, right up front. He needs to know what is expected of him. Discuss and communicate. Compromise. Put it all out there on paper and see how it works out.

[Jefetio]

I guess you should have married someone you loved and respected.

Oops.

[crabman1]

As you get older you kind of fall into being more responsible because those responsibilities come to you. You have children, you buy a house both for the roof and as an investment, so on. Now you have to raise that child, make that payment, and so on. This step into handling those responsiblities happens at different ages for different people. Like several others I get the feeling this is not so much about money as it is he is not stepping up to his responsibilities.

If I think back on my marriage when things went wrong nearly every single one of those things had a common element in that one or both of us had failed to communicate our position, thoughts, or feelings. IMO you start there, this is not going to get better on its own and if you cannot work through the process of fixing it your marriage will eventually fail. The first steip is clearly communicating.

[Glitterific]

If they can afford for him to be a stay-at-home dad, that would be the best bet IF he is going to use that time to work on his Phd. OP mentioned her husband is still figuring out his career, so what if those plans change? He may not want to stay home, I know guys who wouldn't want to do that even if they weren't making much money.

I agree on counseling and getting him to curb his lottery ticket habit. If he can't stop, he should spend much less than he does. The next couple of years are very important. You don't want to be on the hook for alimony if this doesn't work out!