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I don't think the issues is that he makes less money than her. It's that he makes significantly less than the average and isn't willing to improve his earning power, + has a bad attitude about it (squanders it on lotto, which is fun once in awhile just for laughs but rather idiotic to spend 25-50$ thinking you will win). If I were to quit my job today my husband can still support me with a modest lifestyle. I am not sure OP's husband can. It's not materialism, it's necessity that he starts busting ass so she can raise their child since he doesn't seem to want to do it. Plus you'd think he would think twice after she helped pay his 20k debt.
And sorry but yes, there are certain expectations that one has of people when they graduate from a good college. The expectation is that their careers will exceed those who did not go to that great college. That's what the tuition is for, an investment. And if people do not come through on this then it is a definite disappointment. I goaded my husband to advance his career during the recession and he did so. Now he is happier than ever before with a 20% raise, an exciting field, not stuck around unprofessional adult children. I also goad myself to do better all the time and have high expectations of myself.
(P.S. by advancement and "exceeding in your career" it can be associated with better job satisfaction, social worth, or higher pay... all of which are acceptable, but the higher pay is by far the most practical).
my husband makes less money than ... I started notice that when he would get paid would always spend most of his pay check on eating out.. when it came down to paying bill he would act as if he didn't know what happen to his money ... quickly I realized that this had to stop .. I told him to start direct depositing the money straight to my chking acc that way I wouls have track of his spending plus he wouls be able to put money toward the bill he recieve a $25 a week that goes straight to his acc and the rest towards bills .. true that seems like its not that much to live off but if he doesn't want to get s second job i refuse to allow him to spend all his money on b.s
Interesting. When I outearned my husband, he was very free with spending to the point that I had automatic savings to keep him from spending it all. Now that he outearns me, guess what? He's the one who wants to save.
I think it's some kind of power issue. Like maybe they can't stand us earning more than them AND having a say so in how the money is spent. We fought over money all the time when I outearned him. Now that he out earns me, the roles have turned but I've never been a spender so it's not an issue.
This isn't a money issue. To be honest he got married to young and wasn't ready to be a family man. A good percent of guys are not ready to marry after college, because they still need time to find out who they are and want they want out life. Now he is stuck in a corner with a wife and a kid. The reason he is flaky and jumping from job to job is because he is trapped with the family thing.
They have done studies that the part of the male brain that decides what they want in life doesn't develop until they are 25.
We did not get married until he was 25 and I was 25 as well. At the time he was starting a new job because we moved to a new city which within a year he decided it was not for him.
I have an uncle who's spent about $400 a month for the past 10 years on powerball and mega millions tickets & has nothing to show for it.
Continuing on the theme of compound interest. $400 a month over the last 10 years in a plain vanilla mutual fund like Vanguard Balanced Index would have yielded $59.958.71. And that's at a subpar rate of return of 4.27% for the last 10 years. He probably would have done a little better than the published returns because of the effect of dollar cost averaging (getting more shares in bad years and fewer in good ones...the buy low/sell high concept).
As far as forcing people to do/not do something. i don't think that ever really works. Even if it's "successful", it creates a lot of resentment which compounds over time (just like compound interest).
But as Ivorytickler pointed out, maybe an automatic savings plan would help. Although this gets tricky, because some people will run up credit card & debt behind the other spouse's back.
Sounds to me like he was always like this, and now you've moved the goal posts on him and resent him for not being able to reach them. If you wanted to be a stay at home mom in a high cost of living area your best bet would have been to seek our and marry an established and reasonably well off guy. You married a wanderer lacking that ambitious drive to make money...I'm sure he has other positive qualities you're neglecting to mention here as you focus on his inability to transform into some one he probably never was. I have to assume so since you married him in the first place.
Take heart though, no adaption is probably necessary. He can be a stay at home parent and you can continue with your strong suit in the relationship, which is the monetary contribution of having a higher earning career. Maybe he could adapt and become a more ambitious individual with a higher income...but that would take a lot of time still. It would be more logical for you to leverage your strengths in this area than for him to develop them.
Of course he has other positive qualities. And no he was not always like this. When we dated he used to talk about his goals often. As another poster stated I think I bought into the fact that he had a lot of potential and I had no reason to believe things would turn as they have because he is college educated and he did well in school. I suppose I just chalked up his job hopping as being due to youth but now as we are getting older its problematic.
I used to get on him often about the lottery thing which he actually didn't start to get into until after we were married but he continues to play it. As stated in my previous post he has said he does not want to stay at home. I've asked him about this so that he could go to graduate school and his answer was no. Although now he says he is seriously considering graduate school I'm not sure if he is going to follow through on it. I'm not sure what I am going to do yet.
Don't think the money is an issue as such. Rather, she has an issue with how he's really not pulling his weight as a partner.
Bingo. Nothing is worse that a partner who doesn't pull his or her weight. It doesn't matter how much one loves them. Inevitably, it results in resentment and dissatisfaction.
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