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About a month ago I discovered that my husband of 15 years was sending secret e-mails to a female co-worker. They were mainly about work issues, but a few of them were definintely personal and flirty. Some of them were sent while we were on vacation together with our children and some while he was travelling on business. I asked him what was going on and got the usual "we're just friends" response. Later he admitted he did have a crush on this woman, but that it would never go any further. Anyway, we had many long talks about trust and honesty and he promised me that the personal contact would stop though he did still have to see her at work. Anyway, about a week ago I discovered that he was looking up her name on the computer. He says he doesn't know why he was doing that and won't admit that there is any interest still. He said he was just interested in her as a friend. After this we had a major meltdown period where I threatened to leave him. He was very upset and actually cried more than I have ever seen him cry. He begged me not to leave, swore he has seen the light and has been very loving, attentive and communicative ever since. The problem now is that I can't get over the nagging feeling that he is secretly still obesessing about this woman and only wants to stay with me for the sake of the kids. His behaviour says otherwise though and he's made a complete turnaround from previous behavior, now being affectionate and open. He also says this has been a major revelation to him and that he is newly committed to our marriage and our family. My problem is that I can't stop thinking about his attention to this other woman. How do I stop obsessing and move on in a happy marriage?
That nagging feeling is your womans intuition. I think counseling would help both of you. He obviously felt a need to seek out the attention of another woman (regardless of what that attention was) and you obviously are not okay with what he's telling you which is basically lip service.
Until he fully understands how this has made you feel, it's not really going to impact him in the way you need it to or it should.
i agree with some sort of counseling for the both of you or at least him. TO find out the underlying reasos why he wants other attention. Maybe he doesnt feel attractive to you anymore? I suggest to work with him on it, and not to over criticize him as that would drive him away.
My problem is that I can't stop thinking about his attention to this other woman. How do I stop obsessing and move on in a happy marriage?
I believe your thinking about it is understandable and legitimate. I'm sorry you're in such a situation, but I don't know how to help you. It sounds to me as if he tells you it's all over and it doesn't matter just to appease you, but it's not really true... It'd be hard to be in your shoes, that's for sure. I’d be bothered by such a case the most myself – even if it never was or will be consummated.
Personally I would get myself some keylogging software on the computer - just to assure myself that his "turnaround" is permanent. No doubt some others will disagree with me on that measure, but that is what I would do.
Personally I would get myself some keylogging software on the computer - just to assure myself that his "turnaround" is permanent. No doubt some others will disagree with me on that measure, but that is what I would do.
That's not a solution... If something is meant to happen, it will, keyloggers or not, phone records or not. Besides, they work together.
That's not a solution... If something is meant to happen, it will, keyloggers or not, phone records or not. Besides, they work together.
I agree - but she will know right away! Even though they work together, the pull of technology is so strong - email is like breathing - if he is still at it he will slip.
I agree - but she will know right away! Even though they work together, the pull of technology is so strong - email is like breathing - if he is still at it he will slip.
What I mean is he may very well continue to be emotionally involved with this woman even if there is no evidence of contact. People may be in love with somebody else if that person is not even aware of it and doesn't do anything to encourage it. That's the saddest part. You can't control or put under surveillance somebody's heart. If it's not yours, it's not yours... That's all there is to it.
About a month ago I discovered that my husband of 15 years was sending secret e-mails to a female co-worker. They were mainly about work issues, but a few of them were definintely personal and flirty. Some of them were sent while we were on vacation together with our children and some while he was travelling on business. I asked him what was going on and got the usual "we're just friends" response. Later he admitted he did have a crush on this woman, but that it would never go any further. Anyway, we had many long talks about trust and honesty and he promised me that the personal contact would stop though he did still have to see her at work. Anyway, about a week ago I discovered that he was looking up her name on the computer. He says he doesn't know why he was doing that and won't admit that there is any interest still. He said he was just interested in her as a friend. After this we had a major meltdown period where I threatened to leave him. He was very upset and actually cried more than I have ever seen him cry. He begged me not to leave, swore he has seen the light and has been very loving, attentive and communicative ever since. The problem now is that I can't get over the nagging feeling that he is secretly still obesessing about this woman and only wants to stay with me for the sake of the kids. His behaviour says otherwise though and he's made a complete turnaround from previous behavior, now being affectionate and open. He also says this has been a major revelation to him and that he is newly committed to our marriage and our family. My problem is that I can't stop thinking about his attention to this other woman. How do I stop obsessing and move on in a happy marriage?
Depends. You have to wait and see. But, the wondering about the secrets is a bad thing. Very unhealthy for a relationship. You guys need to talk about the underlying problem here. Cuz there has to be one. Why else would he want to seek other female attention?
What I mean is he may very well continue to be emotionally involved with this woman even if there is no evidence of contact. People may be in love with somebody else if that person is not even aware of it and doesn't do anything to encourage it. That's the saddest part. You can't control or put under surveillance somebody's heart. If it's not yours, it's not yours... That's all there is to it.
Yep - and it ain't looking good:
"Anyway, we had many long talks about trust and honesty and he promised me that the personal contact would stop ... a week ago I discovered that he was looking up her name on the computer....he won't admit that there is any interest still. He said he was just interested in her as a friend."
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Counselling is a good idea.
