Married 17 years, never in love with husband. Advice? (movies, woman, young)

[zentropa]

How many children are still with you at home and what are their ages?

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Originally Posted by GreyStreetF

Ok, first post here...here it is: About 17 years ago, I made the worst mistake of my life. I married someone who I was not in love with and my life has been a living nightmare ever since. I’m in my 40s, have 5 kids, and my life is an absolute 100% lie. Everything I say, everything I do, and everything I’ve ever done is to keep that lie going. I do not love my husband, I’ve never loved my husband, and it is absolutely tearing me apart. I have multiple health issues going on right now and I really believe it is because of all the guilt I feel for lying. I will try to include as much information as possible to provide a clear picture.

I cannot tell you the hurt, pain, and sadness I’ve experienced over the last 17 years because of this situation. First things first…I had a terrible childhood. I was victimized repeatedly by family members between the ages of 5-12. It was horrible and I still have trouble to this day with what happened to me. I’m sure because of this is why I was pregnant and married at age 17. I graduated high school and had my second child when I was 20. My first husband was a controlling self-centered man. He never hit me but the emotional and verbal abuse led me to divorce him after being married 5 years. Right before the divorce was final, I met my current husband and became pregnant almost immediately with my 3rd child. I met him in a bar and went home with the first night and really didn’t care for him. This alone was a huge mistake. I was young, low self-esteem, and very vulnerable. I had no business doing anything with anyone and I just thought it would be a one-night stand and I’d move on. I literally divorced, got pregnant, and got remarried all within a month. I look back now and wonder how in the world did this happen to me. It happened because I saw security for my kids and I thought I could learn to love my husband. He was insistent that we get married to “make it right” one month after my divorce was final. I just wanted to have babies, have a home, and love my husband. I could not have been more wrong about the love part if I tried. My life has been a constant battle since the day I married him.

I basically stood up in a church and said “I do” when everything inside me said “I don’t”. I thought I was in love with someone else who left me when I became pregnant. I know now he didn’t love me and he was more of a friend. It didn’t change how I felt on that day though. I could not stop crying because of what I’d done and I KNEW my life as I knew it would never be the same. Shortly after we married I tried to talk to him about my feelings and he just told me to shut up. He said this was my life now and I needed to get used to it. My husband was divorced previous to meeting me to “the love of his life”. She left him for another man and he was not over it when we met. Again, a huge mistake. Neither one of us was in love with each other when met but I was pregnant. I had the baby and really tried hard to be a good wife and do everything that I felt that I was expected to do. I took care of the kids, took care of the house, and took care of my husband. The same problem kept coming up--the love I expected to feel for him NEVER was there. He had a good job and was gone quite a bit but I really thought that would be enough. 3 years into our marriage is when I saw the first cracks. Sex became a huge issue between us. In my mind it was to be shared with someone I loved and cared deeply for but it was just an act to him. I resisted his advances and I became more and more distant from him and actually having sex with him was about keeping him away from me instead of something shared. In his world, sex once every week or two meant that I loved him and he would leave me alone. I tried to tell him how I felt and he would only say “you should feel lucky to have the life you have and that I CHOSE to love you”. The church we always attended(Baptist) and my husband constantly repeated the same things. “Love is a choice and feelings are bad.” I’m not sure if that is what they meant or if that is what he wanted me to hear. Everything inside me said this was wrong but I had to bury it all deep down inside me. This has been ingrained into my thinking until only recently when several friends gently pointed out that something was a little off with my thinking. If love is truly a choice, why I have never loved him? I have prayed daily for my feelings to change but they never did.

Our 4th child came and things got better for a few years. I was focused on the kids and his job(government sector)kept him away from him away from home a lot. It still wasn’t easy. He was very controlling with money and expected to be waited on hand and foot. I don’t mean “taking care of your spouse”. I mean I was like a servant at home. Whatever he wanted, he expected to get. Cooking, cleaning, and sexual demands were all his right to demand in his thinking. Let me tell you---this made everything go from bad to worse very quickly. I worked so hard at keeping everyone happy and yet I had this terrible reality going on in my head I didn’t love my husband and nothing could change that. I started having terrible thoughts about him, myself, and all the rage I was holding back. I swear it was by the grace of God that I never did anything. Dealing with him daily was awful…I just couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him. Just hearing his voice would send me into near panic attacks. We stopped kissing and just his touch made my skin crawl. It still does to this day.

Our 5th child was born 9 years ago. He didn’t want the child and made me feel guilty constantly and was very verbally abusive about the entire situation. It was like a switch was flipped with him…some of the things that happened between us at this point in my life were nothing short of humiliating. It has hard for me to even think about that time in my life. I know that if my friends knew some of the stuff he did, they would have removed me from the house. For 2 years, the anger I had just got worse and worse. He controlled all the money, all my actions, and what happened between us. I was literally losing my mind and I did. I took off with a friend and his wife on a trip to Idaho and my husband automatically assumed(of course he did) that I was cheating. NOTHING happened AT ALL. NOTHING. He said that since I tried to leave him he was going to try to have me committed to a hospital saying I was crazy. I just needed some space, he saw it as me leaving him and the kids. I literally couldn’t take him anymore. He even contacted my ex-husband to see if he would go along with things but I never heard the outcome of that. I was served with divorce papers and went to see a lawyer. I was a stay at home mom, had no money of “my own”, and he advised me to try to patch things up with my husband if possible. I went back to him and we tried to talk things out. We went to counseling through our church and they blamed me for everything. It was so bad. They humiliated me and I was scared to tell them how my husband really was. He has a horrible temper and I would have been scared to go home. I swallowed my pride, admitted my mistake all for the sake of my kids. After counseling he said at that point that I was “bought and paid for” and my life has been a murky swamp of hate ever since. I lie to everyone about everything about my marriage. Friends, family, and members of my church. Only a few people know the truth and they are constantly worried. The emotional, financial, verbal, and sexual abuse have all escalated over the years. I know what I need to do to survive and I just do it. From the outside looking in, I have the perfect life. On the inside, I’m in the prison I created for myself. I’ve gone years without any hope of change but things are different for me now. I don’t want the next 20 years to be the last 20 years. I’ve been hurt enough…I want a better life. Lately it has been like rays of light have begun to crack through the darkness. I can’t explain it. I don’t want this kind of life anymore. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I know things have to change, I’m just not sure how to do it right now.

I guess I have questions that I’m trying to figure out;
-Is staying hurting or helping the kids?
-Is leaving the best option?
-Has anyone else been in this circumstance?
-Am I the victim of domestic violence?
-Is any of this my fault? I know my marriage was a mistake but why does he treat me like this?
-What is on the other side of this?
-the abuse sometimes feels like it’s not real…is this normal? Sometimes I think “did that just happen?” and I KNOW it did…I can’t be crazy.

It sounds like you might be suffering from PTSD which would be totally normal considering what you have endured.

My heart goes out to you. I think you already know what to do. I hope you are able to find some peace, I don't think from what you have said, you will find it while you are with this man.

[Pierce2011]

Girl, I will cry for you. I won't even pretend to understand or know the hell you must be going through. But it really breaks my heart. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be happy. Two words for you: GET OUT! Don't stay with someone you don't love and actually resent every single day. I have very close family members that could almost be living your story. Every day I wonder who's going to end who in their sleep. It's scary to think that way!

You need to get away from that church that's keeping you in chains as well. And I don't take that kind of advice lightly. I'm one of the few people still left on this planet that respects church, religion and other peoples point of view. But those people aren't helping you or doing you any favors by making you miserable. Do not stay for the kids. You have to find a way out. When I left my abusive husband I had a part time job, a newborn, no money, no college education, no home to run to, nothing! And I've never been happier. Don't be scared. And since you are a stay at home mom with little or no money, you file for divorce, alimony and child support. There are services that can and will help you get on your feet without him.

My husband wouldn't hold down a job so I didn't have the luxury of getting a dime from him for any help. I had to do that all by myself. You on the other hand, have a better shot of making it on your own than I did. It can be done. You just need to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. If you fear for your life and think you could be in danger, then call the local battered women's shelter for more in-depth advice. The cops won't do anything unless you are physically being beat up and have evidence to prove it. In that sense, I was "lucky" enough to have witnesses around when my husband was in a drug induced rage and tried to throw me off of our 4th story balcony. Don't you waste one more second in a black hole of despair.

[stepka]

Originally Posted by Pierce2011

Don't you waste one more second in a black hole of despair.

I'll second this one. You probably don't even realize how bad it really is while you're in it and one day looking back you'll wonder how you ever put up with this. You need to start planning your escape now, while you still have some resources and this will have the immediate effect of helping you to feel a bit better and to control your emotions. I also agree that you need to get away from that church--this doesn't sound like a healthy situation. I'm a Christian so I don't say that flippantly, but not all churches are good ones. And yes, I think your kids would be better off out of this hellhole you guys have between you. I truly hope you find a way out and a way to heal yourself and your children.

[MattB4]

Reading comprehension is lacking these days.

Though there is no doubt this woman is suffering she has had many opportunities to address the issue. I do not believe that the evil Baptist church people are in a conspiracy to keep all women in a state of bondage to their cruel despotic husbands. Now perhaps if she belonged to a splinter sect of Mormonism I would feel different. But than that nagging reading comprehension comes in concerning what she wrote about how at every point that came along she decided what she wanted. Things like her second marriage and 3rd baby. The 5th child when no more was wanted by the husband.

I just wanted to have babies, have a home, and love my husband.

Not to mention if she really

Dealing with him daily was awful…I just couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him. Just hearing his voice would send me into near panic attacks. We stopped kissing and just his touch made my skin crawl. It still does to this day.

believed this, how could she let herself have another child?

And there was the time her husband got tired of it and

I was served with divorce papers and went to see a lawyer. I was a stay at home mom, had no money of “my own”, and he advised me to try to patch things up with my husband if possible.

So she had the opportunity to escape from such an abusive person (or so she claims he is abusive).

I have no sympathy for what looks like a manipulative self serving individual.

[pkrplr1]

Originally Posted by Spooky08

Wow, 17 years is a long time to be with someone and not love them. It seems like you are waiting for your life to begin, maybe you should consider letting him go so you and he both can find your soul mates. Love should be a gift, not a prison sentence. I hope you find your true love.

i was in a marriage for 18 1/2 years with a girl/woman that i guess i never really loved. the first 3 years were ok but then we had my daughter and things changed. she was abused by her family (not sure if sexually but i think so) and i was gonna be the hero and get her out of there. she had no idea HOW to love but i treated her great hoping things would work out over time. no one in my huge family had ever been divorced so i just stayed and stayed until it became unbearable for my daughter. i got divorced which of course got the ball rolling and half of my family followed suite. i was a friggin pioneer.

so anyway, yes 17 years is a long time and no you can't learn to love someone. it's either there or it's not there and you need to get out for everyone's sake, including your own. it'll be rough but it will work out in time. you CAN salvage what's left of your life!

[Ulysses61]

First of all, your story is very poignant and heart-wrenching. You've been dealt a very difficult hand in life, starting off with such abuse. I'm truly sorry for all of that horror.

The one line that resonates the most in your OP is this:

"I don’t want the next 20 years to be the last 20 years. I’ve been hurt enough…I want a better life."

Then you have to start and begin now. Only you can take control of your destiny and as difficult as it will be, you need to leave your husband ASAP. If you really want a better life, then you are responsible for making this happen. No doubt it will be a long, hard road, but you're still relatively young in your 40's. Your self-esteem has always been low (and for just cause), but when you ask "is this my fault?" it's very sad to read.

Leave him. I hate to be so viscerally honest, but you have wasted your life so far, marrying a man you don't like or love. Don't waste the next 40 years. Take charge, take your kids, get a job and LEAVE.

I wish you the best of luck. You can do it.

[beachmel]

My heart aches for you...for your situation. The trouble is, I feel bad for your husband as well. You used him. You never loved him, but you married him. Did you think you'd grow to love him, or did you not think that far ahead? I agree with other posters who are telling you that you have some serious issues, which are the fallout from your earlier abuse. Can you love and trust any man? I'm sure you love your kids, but it's possible that you simply can't let yourself love or trust ANY man...not just the two you married.

I do have to say though, I can only "imagine" what your husband feels like. He met a gal in a bar,slept with her, married her, even though she already had two kids and was pregnant with a third. (did you say #3 wasn't his?). Anyway, you stood before the preacher and promised to love and obey him....lied. He provided you with a home and financial support for you and your children. You had two more kids with him, yet have withheld affection for him for 17 years?

Okay, you said he's done things to you...including "sexual assault", and that doesn't seem right, but at the same time (Oh I'm gonna get kicked for this one)...how could you expect a man to do everything he's done and withhold your affection and sex? I know that it might seem cruel to judge you this way, but how can you justify your cruelty to him? You were a victim when you were that child...but YOU are the one who put yourself in this situation. Honey, did you really think you were going to get everything at no cost? You do need professional help. I just hope that it does more good for you than bad.

[Ulysses61]

One other thing: for God's sakes, LEAVE that worthless church you are attending. What a bunch of sexist morons. They blamed you? To hell with them! YOU are blameless. Your husband is a monster and your church is enabling him by daring to suggest you are to blame. So infuriating.

[Ulysses61]

I disagree with every single word of what Beachmel wrote.