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So, I was just responding to another thread and as I was typing out a story I thought it would be interesting to get outside opinions on this…A good male friend of mine hasn’t been on a date for years. He’s 33, has a career, a good personality, and is super nice. His main issue (that I can tell) is his looks. He’s not gross or anything but he is simply very average looking. He even says that he’s average. However, he hits on me quite a bit—saying he loves me and wants to marry me. I think half of it is in jest but half is somewhat serious. Then he’ll sometimes say that he just says it because he knows I’m “unattainable”. I personally think that he’s just making excuses about why he doesn’t date by saying that his looks are holding him back (I mean, besides me, his ex from eight years ago, and his married female friend, he hasn’t expressed interest in anyone so it’s not like he’s trying!).
So…finally, I got fed up with him b*&ching all the time about how his looks hold him back (and him telling me that if I close my eyes, I could love him--WTF?), I have simply started just telling him how it is. No more sugar coating from me. I took him shopping for clothes first. During the summer, his only outfit is a polo shirt tucked into his khaki shorts with a belt. He owns at least 100 polos and at least 50 pairs of khaki shorts and pants. I went through his closet once with him and counted seven yellow polo shirts! Having more of one color is one thing but seven of the same style and same color? And yellow? Yuck! I have told him that he should try to live a healthier lifestyle—eat healthier (actually eat real meals and add some fruits and veggies to his diet) and actually work out more than once a month. He also owns contacts but wears his glasses 90% of the time. I also told him to stop doing the comb-over thing last night and gave him the name and number of my hairdresser (he’s been going to the worst hair dresser for months simply because she’s cute and “pops gum in his ear”—are guys really this simple?). I also finally got him to put up an ad on e-Harmony so that he can meet people but now he complains that his pictures are crappy (I took them and they look just like him so it's not the pictures!).
In other words, instead of him complaining about how he looks—I told him to work at doing something about it. He said that he’s not naturally perfect like me and my response was that I’m not “naturally perfect,” either—I work out several times a week, eat well, get enough sleep, don’t drink much, don’t smoke, wear sunscreen, don’t spend much time in the sun, wear nice clothes, get my hair done, etc.
The way I look at it is that I’m doing a “What not to Wear” type makeover on him. What do you think? Am I being too brutal? Am I being helpful? He hasn’t really complained about me not sugar-coating but maybe I’m really hurting his feelings? If you were him would you appreciate the help or hate me for it? Sorry, I know this turned out to be REALLY long!
Yeah, another reason why I say men and women cannot be 'JUST FRIENDS'. This guy doesn't want to be friends, he wants to get you in the bedroom. He's playing along with you on the friends gig and hoping things will change. If you don't like him in that matter, just be BLUNT with him and say he's not your type and you have no physical interest in him. If I were a woman and in your shoes, I'd just get the guy out of my life and tell him to get pro-active in finding himself someone, or submit himself to going to a place like real dolls dot com and getting himself someone who just cannot resist his 'natural good looks and charm'
Is he actually wanting your help with all this stuff? Because, if he's just going to turn around in a few weeks and go back to being the same old guy, what is the point? A leopard doesn't change his spots just because you turn the hose on him.
Is he actually wanting your help with all this stuff? Because, if he's just going to turn around in a few weeks and go back to being the same old guy, what is the point? A leopard doesn't change his spots just because you turn the hose on him.
He has expressed some interest in wanting to change. He said that he likes that I challenge him because it motivates him to do things like try new foods and work out.
I simply see this as being like Stacy on "What Not to Wear." People don't necessarily see how much better they can look without other people pointing it out to them (even if it kind of sucks the first time it's brought up.)
Yeah, another reason why I say men and women cannot be 'JUST FRIENDS'. This guy doesn't want to be friends, he wants to get you in the bedroom. He's playing along with you on the friends gig and hoping things will change. If you don't like him in that matter, just be BLUNT with him and say he's not your type and you have no physical interest in him.
Believe me, I have been VERY blunt with him. (For instance, he was e-mailing me incessantly the other day talking about how much he "loves" me. And I kept on asking him how to make a "puking face" online...something like this? :-O--. The e-mail exchanges were downright humorous but I was still getting my point across at the same time. He knows that my type is nothing like him physically or otherwise. I've also told him that we would never be compatible in a relationship and give him a list of things that prove my point. And he is actually looking for a real relationship, not sex. He's not like that at all. I mean, he can go years without it. Not me! As far as the friends thing goes, he is really a great friend to have. He would help any of his friends in any situation. So, I can't complain there!
the besssssst way to put him into his "we're just FRIggin FRIENDS OK!?!?!?" level is.... by calling him up, and confiding in him, that you're walking in the clouds.. your as happy as can be . . . you've met someone. you're in love. and you want him to meet him
You don't have to keep pushing him away. this is the biggest friggin possible signal you can shoot him in the head with. If he doesn't take the hint beyond that - then something is wrong with him. If he pouts, sulks, etc, stay cheerful to him! keep giving him tips on what to wear, etc... make sure you emphasize that nothing has changed as far as your relationship with him goes - and he'll see that.... he was way off in what he "thought" your relationship consisted of to begin with.
The truth hurts and just telling it like it is, is normally the best route - trying to sugarcoat it will bring more problems than you could imagine.
Let him know you are not a wam bam thank you kind of woman - anyways just my $0.02
I have a friend, male with whom I've been friends with since 7th grade. When I was dating, he used to tell me not to tell the man I'm dating about him, b/c he would think that my friend and I were intimate? I never understood that, but now realize, that quite a lot of men who have been intimate with women, think of them as friends. Which to a woman, is a whole different defination. And there are women who feel the same way, believe me, but the majority of woman, think of male friends as good plutonic friends, nothing more, nothing less, which I might add, can be a most rewarding experience.
Now, getting back to your question...I'd be honest...most definately...
I worked with men, most all my life...grew up a tomboy...men are actually much more sensitive then women, and unless they are really confident and comfortable with who they are, take things much more to heart quicker then any woman...he is testing you...period. And you might want to consider telling him, that friends is all your ever going to be, and if he cannot respect and value that, then he needs to walk away...perhaps that will sober him up and help him face reality.
And while we're discussing this...looks and clothes are not everything. I knew a guy in school who was very attractive...well liked, the boy most likely to succeed. Dated all kinds of girls...couldof had his pic...but cha know who he picked for the mother of his children...a gal who was absolutely georgeous inside, and who wasn't caught up with working out, or purchasing clothes...but she made a wonderful wife and mother.
The big question in my mind is whether your guy-friend WANTS a relationship with another woman or not. Biotching about looks holding him back and actually wanting somethng are completely different things. From my perspective, one of two things are true:
1. He really wants something different for himself, but just doesn't now how to go about getting it. In this case, he really would be a candidate for a makeover a la "***** Eye for the Straight Guy". If he really needs the help, then you need to watch that show, see how honest the ***** Eyes are about what needs to be changed, and how they aren't shy about making rather BIG changes. Also... ask yourself... do YOU think it's just his looks that are holding him back? From my experience, I've seen an awful lot of people with below-average to average looks be perceived by others as much more physically attractive than they really are on the strength of their personality. Conversely, I've seen people who really are fairly decent looking be perceived as not very attractive because they are zeroes in the personality department. Unfortunately for me, I tend to fit in this latter category.
2. On the other hand, he really could be just using all the complaining as a tool to gain YOUR attention. And it seems like this would be working. And in spite of how "blunt" you think you have been with him, it sounds to me like you may tend to sugarcoat your bluntness... i.e., what you may think is being blunt may appear to him to be friendly joshing with him. Even possibly semi-flirting with him. Frankly, I tend to agree with that first comment above that this guy likely wants more from your present relationship than just being a friend. And, while you feel secure in your present relationship and feel that you've been straight-forward with your friend, your ACTIONS towards your friend may, in fact, be sending him mixed signals. That is, is what you TELL this guy consistent with what you DO with/for this guy? Again, he could be interpreting a lot of your "blunt" messages as kidding around with him, or even a bit of flirting, while the nice things you do with or for him could be reinforcing that message. Bottom line: I wouldn't be so quick to conclude that his hopes for you really are only those of a friend because you haven't sent him any other signals or because a rational person could reach no other conclusion. Feelings are very often irrational in nature, and you really don't know how he perceives the situation from where he sits. You can only see from where you sit.
Finally.... if you really want to give this guy a jump-start, I'd go with the ***** Eye makeover, then you and your BF and maybe some other friends make a concerted effort to get this guy hooked up. Preferably with a relationship-quality girl, but if there are not takers for that... play wingman and take him out with the goal of getting him laid by someone other than you.
Finally.... if you really want to give this guy a jump-start, I'd go with the ***** Eye makeover, then you and your BF and maybe some other friends make a concerted effort to get this guy hooked up. Preferably with a relationship-quality girl, but if there are not takers for that... play wingman and take him out with the goal of getting him laid by someone other than you.
hth.
Believe me, there is no one working harder at helping him find someone than me! I think all of his other friends have given up on him but I think there is still hope (hence, I was able to convince him to finally get on e-Harmony). I also took his pictures for the site and offered to help him with his ad.
I think he is also quite clear with my message to him that I do not find him in the least bit attractive. He tells me that I find him repulsive. I have never used that word and it annoys me when he says that but I think he is quite clear that he is not even close to my type.
It's funny because my original e-mail was actually not to get advice on how to push this guy away. I really just wanted to know if by me actually telling him to his face how he could make himself more attractive to woman was too mean! I'm trying to help him find someone and I'm just trying to help him out. Yes, he hits on me often but it's really not as annoying as everyone is making it out to be.
It sounds like everyone has voted on me being perfectly blunt and not sugar-coating, though, so at least I don't feel as bad about being so direct!
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Tell it like it is
