Gay dude wants opinions or advice (dating, wife, movies, lesbians)

[Ratdude]

I need some opinions here.

I am a 32 y/o gay dude that is not into the "scene" and have been told by some of my friends on both sides of the fence that I can be a snob when it comes to meeting people in general, esp other gay people. I am not closeted, but I don't advertise either.

Some or many of you may consider what your about to read seeming harsh, but I don't mean to be that way.

I am a very discreet non-scene oriented guy that refuses to hang out with flamboyant guys who seem to exert all of their energy into being what I consider stereotypical feminine **** who can't really function in life outside of the gay bar/club scene and without their alcohol, drugs, other feminine friends, etc.... I have seen so much of this that I joke about the fact that it almost seems there is a *** factory that produces these people.

I am not mean or rude to these people when/if I encounter them, I just don't want to really associate with that mentality. Does that make me a mean snobbish person?

I am a somewhat responsible and goal-oriented individual whom has what I consider to be a rewarding career and want my friends or a possible future partner to at least share some of the same views, values, etc as I do.

Please let me know if this makes me a bad person, and if there are other masc gay dudes out there that have experienced what I posted, please respond, it would be awesome to interract with others just so I don't feel like I am completely crazed....lol.

[stan4]

Um, hey.
So I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm one of those gay people who pretty much can't stand other gay people who make 'being gay' their whole lives. Kind of what you're saying - 'the scene,' the politics, the constant making everything about being gay.

So yeah...I come off as snobbish to other gays because frankly, they are high-schoolish and a waste of my time. I have like 2 good friends who are gay and some scattered acquaintences. All my other friends are straight. Sexuality is not what I base my friendships on.

I am like the worst gay person ever because I refuse to look and dress like a man (I'm a woman, I look like a woman, and I don't find women who don't look like women attractive whatsoever - then again, I thought the point of being gay was being into women, not pseudomen), I don't read gay lit, don't watch gay movies (though I thought Bound was pretty good), don't go to pride...I vote republican...being gay is not the end-all be-all of my existence...in fact, besides who I prefer to sleep with, it has nothing to do with the rest of my life whatsoever.

That is not a bad thing. Because you are unlikely to meet anyone you'd want to date frequenting the bars and clubs (unless they, too, don't have any idea where else to go to meet gay people).

I met my wife through mutual friends. I met my exes through class in college or some club where people got together to do some activity they enjoyed. Never met anyone worthwhile through a gay function or club.

Good luck! You're not alone. Can't vouch as to whether or not you're a weirdo, though.

[stepka]

Well I'm a straight woman but I believe it's more normal than you realize. One of the reasons my ex gave for masquerading as a straight man for so long was because he was turned off by the gay scene and just didn't want to have anything to do with that and that is something I can understand. Personally though, I have nothing against "the scene," but like you I wouldn't want to make it my life.

Question for OP though--how do you meet dates? I guess it's easier with computer dating these days, but what about before? I've asked my gay dd this too, since she's still too young for bars, but she said you just know when someone is gay. It helps that she now goes to a college with a large gay population, but I don't think this is what's meant by the gay scene? She doesn't appear to be gay either--she was always a very feminine little girl and that hasn't changed--before she went to kindergarten, she refused to ever wear pants.

[Lital_The_Best]

Nah, you're not alone. I'm open to everyone and trust me I have no ISSUES with gay men. I have 2 gay friends who I am cool as heck with and I have a gay uncle who I used to be really close with but lately he's been acting too "funny" with me. I'll hang with gay people with no shame but like you mentioned, I can't stand gay guys or lesbians from the "scene". It's not that I'm embarrassed to hang out with gay people obviously but I feel those homosexuals and lesbians in the scene bring and cause too much attention to themselves and not in a good way.

Everything they do has to be gay, about gayness and parading it around. They can be hilarious and make me crack up for a little bit but their act gets old and annoying rather quickly. The gay people I hang with will be the first to admit whether they are gay or lesbian if asked and I'll be there to support them and have no shame if anyone knows I'm with a homo or lesbo. Flaming gays do embarrass me and make me feel targeted in that someone is going to start looking to start trouble with us or sometimes I feel like their trying to rub it in other peoples face that they are "***** and here!" which results in altercations sometimes.

I find their act elementary as well and they over do the "gay pride" thing more than people and their "ethnic pride" affairs. So I don't find it that you're rude or snobbish. We all associate ourselves with people of our mentality, views, ways of life etc.

Regardless, I always give everyone a chance though. Some people might not seem like you're type to hang out with but you'll be surprised by someone who doesn't "look" the type but is the type. I think I mainly say that because when people meet me I seem pretty unassuming but they get surprised when I meet the same criteria (I guess the word I can use) they do.

[Lital_The_Best]

Like Stepka said, its more common than you think. The gay and lesbian women I know don't like the overly flamboyant or dykish looking men/women at all and believe that they are an embarrassment to the gay culture. Like they can take them in small doses and find them to be amusing but they can't be around them like that.

I used to feel the same way about being around these type of gay guys because I one point I had a friend who used to hang with them ALL the time and loved their company. Though many of them were nice, they were just too much tang for me and I couldn't even take them serious. I dealt with them because I felt like I was being snobby since they didn't do anything wrong to me and were really nice. However, I just couldn't deal with it longer and pretty much broke myself out that group.

Then when my "normal" gay/lesbian friends said they feel the same way, I felt a lot more reassured.

[noela]

I'm okay with stone butch lesbians and very flamboyant gay men. I have friends like that and they're like any other friend. In my opinion, if someone has a problem with them being so visible, it's that person's problem and not mine or my friends'. This said, if I felt uncomfortable around these particular friends of mine, or any other, I would just stop hanging out with them. And that's not being snob or unfair: it's being honest.

[Jimrob1]

No OP there is nothing wrong with you at all. You have your needs and your expectations. As long as your not being cruel to any of the people you mentioned then your doing just fine.

Personally I never found being gay to be any thing more than a sexual orientation. I never could see or felt where its some sort of a lifestyle and or scene. I think many gay people are just that. They are attracted to thier own sex but that is where it ends. After that it is living a life like any person gay or st8. You work you try to live a productive life, and you try to be a good neighbor.

[pitt_transplant]

I think the gay scene is just like the strait scene in the sense you have your various types.
I have friends who club and those who are "married" as married can get. One couple adopted and baby. But the homestay geared people of both sides are few and far between. I think even strait people have issue with that. Its just a lot of strait men fake that they want that conservative lifestyle and then go and run around. Whatever.

The conservative couples I know met through friends,school and charity work. Not going clubbing.

I noticed too when friends "came out" in their 20's they went flame boy crazy and started to curb that as they hit the late 20's and 30's. They grew out of it (being wild and crazy) just like strait people do.

[miyu]

Nah, you aren't alone. The "scene" is kinda crazy, nasty, and incestuous, much like any other club scene. Gay or straight. I think it is possible to be a part of the scene on the weekends while living a relatively responsible, unflaming life. In the end the scene leaves one empty and does not fill any emotional or spiritual holes.

I'm definitely not anti-gay. But I can't stand flaming homosexuals either, having hung out with them in the past. I think it is because I can be a very masculine person at times and I have no patience with fruitiness or drama. I know some gay coworkers who are very similar to you as well. Intelligent, responsible, non-flaming, but not closeted nor shy. The only problem with that is the lack of advertisement that comes with being flamingly gay. I do hope you find plenty of others like yourself. Look in the age group 30+.

[thatsong64]

yep. i just posted this like 5 min ago!
https://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...l#post16210570

i don't hate those type of guys really, but i think a lot are laying it on a little thicker than is natural to them... reallly one dementional.