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I am twice divorced and thinking about dating again. Sounds bad already, right. I'm just terrible at picking the right one. I left the first because he was abusive and an overspender. I told him I'd leave and wait if he wanted to work on his problems, but he said no. He wanted to keep us and his problems, too. That didn't work for me.
The 2nd time I married an old friend who I had been off and on with. I grilled him on what he really wanted before committing, but in the end I lived with a man for 10 years who got married, then decided that there'd be no more physical relationship (or much of a mental one either). I refuse to get caught in the net of wondering why (anymore -- did that for 9 unsuccessful years). I'm just really tired of fielding the questions about why my husband was/is so odd. I still work with him and we have decided to salvage what we can of a friendship (or rather and aquaintenceship).
My question is this: how much do I tell? Sometimes when I communicate the story, I feel that it's sounding like I'm making excuses for bad behavior (not the case as I've accepted my role in each of these relationships). Also, I hate to discuss things as the details are the type that mesmerize people and I just get caught up in the wondering why of it all.
I am someone who knows what they want and likes to be frank up front so that nobody's time or feelings get hurt unnecessarily. Is this too businesslike? Should I be a bit coy until explanations are warranted. I'd hate to start something then find out someone has a knee jerk reaction to my past. Also, I'd like to know if there's a history of abuse in someone's family without freaking them out that I'm some wacko abuse survivor. I've really come out of things sanely (though a bit more politically active). I've said too much already -- so: How much do I tell and how soon?
If it's early on, the pre-relationship stage, I think that, if asked, I would just reply that I had been married twice- the first time because I felt it was "time to get married" and the second time it was to the wrong person. Then I would change the subject- ask him a question.
How long have you been divorced? Personally, I am not scared away when a man tells me that he has been married twice. What is a red flag to me, and a deal breaker, is if he is only recently divorced. Even if he has been separated for years, I prefer someone who has been divorced for at least a year. That way I know that he is interested in ME and not just needing to be in a serious relationship and he's had time to readjust to full singlehood.
But take that with a grain of salt....I've been single for almost six years !!!
Madam, if ya have to ask...don't shoot the messenger.
The impression you gave me would be similar to the 'honesty and openness' which only paints the canvas background.
Being divorced once is a big red flag IMO.
To claim abuse without details of what was abusiveness is abuse. I completely understand how it's not okay to be with an “over spender.” It's not groovey to plan on changing someone, especially after the vows, that's fraud!!
This is why we must find out BEFORE we make the dating legal with the state!
To marry the off and on mate could mean many things. In your case, (along with most) it didn't last. Maybe the feeling of loneliness struck with self-doubt of finding your true match, dunno. Remaining friends with the ex-hubby is also a RED FLAG.
Now you're wondering “how much do I tell?” To some of us men, it's simple. We want to know ASAP.
Darling, you're structured...
Some men might want -that- in a woman, but I personally avoid this personality type. Regarding your “business-like” approach, it's great for some of us to hear how you're 'frank' and “up front.”
Playing coy...is mischievous...which could be a white lie, red flag.
It sounds like the dating agency might be your best bet.
We all have baggage, but it's about personal accountability of our daily decisions that effect our destiny.
If i were to go on a date and the woman told me all about her divorces and ex's it would probably be the last date, i would want to get to know her personality, likes and dislikes before i want any detailed history, knowing she's divorced is good enough for a start.
"Also, I'd like to know if there's a history of abuse in someone's family without freaking them out that I'm some wacko abuse survivor. I've really come out of things sanely (though a bit more politically active). I've said too much already -- so: How much do I tell and how soon?"
If you feel you need to know certian things up front just ask them, if your going to do that then spill everything you want them to know about you too. Be ready to go through a bunch of first and last dates.
I have never gone into details of my long ago divorce when on a date. I in turn do not care to hear intimate details of his divorce or any other relationships initially. Sometimes, I think we take the approach to dating that we take in most other aspects of our lives.... which is hurried and rushed. If you like someone on the first date, give yourselves some topics to discover and discuss more in depth down the road. Dating should be about getting to know one another and that takes time. Don't like the interview approach.
My sister in-law goes into detail of her ex when she dates, she just can't let it go (there was no abuse). She can't understand why she doesn't get a second date, we have tried to explain it to her but it doesn't sink in.
The past is already written, the future is a blank page waiting to be written.
When asked a straight forward question, nothing beats blunt honesty. But do not bring it up, especially on the first date. Look forward, not back. Talk about where you are going, not where you have been. I was divorced twice, 3rd time is a charm. I believe the first 2 were just to be sure I would appreciate the love of my life.
I don't agree with one of the poster's opinions that being divorced once is a red flag. Not all divorces are made over trivial things. Sometimes the signs are NOT present before the marriage. There are manipulators out there who are very good at their craft. I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone who had a divorce. It would be on my radar, but not be a dealbreaker.
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Madam, if ya have to ask...don't shoot the messenger.
. I believe the first 2 were just to be sure I would appreciate the love of my life.
