For Gosh's sake why? Why not leave at the FIRST sign of trouble? (woman, call)
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"My friend who lives her [sic] told me this has been going on for awhile, they’ve been fighting like that for months"
I have an ex-boyfriend who yelled at me and called me a "B". That was the first and last time he ever did that - I dumped him within a day or so. Looking back, I should have dumped him within a minute or two.
I have told my daughter the very same thing. The moment a man calls you a name, you walk away. And if he ever touches you in any way that's not loving, you leave forever. You can always return later when he's not there to get your things.
I just don't understand the abused spouse thing. Mind you, I am NOT blaming the victim here, but relationships are built on trust. And when somebody hits you how can you ever trust them again?
If he'd been violent before, she should have had back up for the break up; preferably a couple of male friends with guns.
Thankfully, I have several of those but I sure as heck hope to never have to call on them.
You are willing to have them move in and support them, have them be at your side 24 hours a day? You have, luckily, been sheltered.
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Originally Posted by SifuPhil
Hence, the guys with guns.
So having to have an armed chaperone the rest of your life is what you say is the way to go? What about your children? Your parents, sisters, etc.
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Originally Posted by Nite Ryder
Personally I think if you get into a relationship like this and stay in it long enough to need help from guys with guns, you also need help with a lot of other things. Like figuring out why you are dumber than a post, and are willing to put yourself in a dangerous situation. Have young women just turned their thinking apparatus off?
I worked at a women's shelter. So let's see, women who are stalked or need protection from a man are "dumber than a post"?
I have a friend, quite intelligent, divorced. Dated a man (owned his own business, respected in the community) for about 3 months, but realized she wasn't ready for a commitment. She ended, amicably she thought. He had NEVER been to her home, they dated in the city with her meeting him. Brooklyn, 3 am one morning (she lived on the 2nd floor), she woke to find her screen cut open and this nutjob in her bedroom. I met him. My husband met him. At no time did any of us have any clue he was a "nut-job". She, all by herself, threw him back out the window.
But yeah, it was her fault. She is dumber than a post.
I think I have to chime in here . I consider myself to be fairly well educated and smart in most ways . That being said when I was in college my first bf turned out to be a nut job and stabbed me 17 times leaving me in a pool of blood a mile long . My college roommate came home early thank god or I most likely would not be alive to tell this story . She called the police and ambulance and I was in the hospital for almost two months because of being a touch and go as they call it in the er . He never showed any signs of being violent at all and all of my friends that met him including some of my family said they never saw anything . The police determined that something just must have snapped in him . Anyways to make a long story short he commited suicide 5 days after he stabbed me , I nor he ever saw the inside of a court room . So please dont think these are just stupid women who get caught up in something that they cannot get out of . To me and everyone he met he seemed normal and no signs so sometimes there are no signs .The scars are still there but I cant wear some clothes because of them and I dont feel like answering ?s like what are all those scars from ? Yes people are rude enough to ask . No I dont walk around with an armed chaperone never did .
I don't think a lot of people realize that this doesn't just happen. When you first meet a guy, you really don't have any idea what you're dealing with (unless you are fortunate enough to have shared friends and even that's not a guarantee). Anyway, the guys who are psychotic enough to do this are extremely manipulative, charming and cunning. The insert themselves in your lives, get to know your friends, family and co-workers and everyone generally loves him. It's only when he's relatively certain that he's "hooked" you that his true colors begin to show. That's when the name calling/abusive behavior begins. By this time the guy knows exactly how to hurt you and manipulate you into staying with him. He knows where you live, your mother lives, sister lives and children's schedule. So sometimes it's not as simple as just dumping him, depending on the guy the woman may need an exit strategy as well as police protection, however, many women have been killed under police protection.
While I know that there may be a percentage of women who get to see the guy's crazy upfront and are able to leave but continue to stay but I think that it may be an equal percentage who never saw it coming. I remember a story a while back (maybe six months or so), a woman dumped her boyfriend and felt uncomfortable staying at her place alone so she moved in with her mom. The boyfriend went to the mom's house and killed them both.
I think it's a mistake to automatically think that there is something wrong with a woman who finds herself in this situation. We don't know what steps she took to try to protect herself, some women do all the right things and are still killed. So, it's very naive to think that there is something you can do to prevent this. I don't think you can, unless you stop dating all together. The only thing you can do is date smart and if the guy turns out to be psycho document everything. Hopefully, the guy will begin to think you're not worth the effort. Since you've documented everything with the police, should you have to use your gun you will at least have a chance in court. But either way, there was really nothing you could've done (short of not meeting him) that can prevent this. That's why they're called victims, they did nothing to bring this on themselves. Fortunately, most of us will never have to deal with this.
... He never showed any signs of being violent at all and all of my friends that met him including some of my family said they never saw anything .
Some times warning signs are present but are overlooked. Other times, like in your situation, the action taken by a individual is without any signs present.
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Originally Posted by phonelady61
So please dont think these are just stupid women who get caught up in something that they cannot get out of . To me and everyone he met he seemed normal and no signs so sometimes there are no signs ..
Very traumatic for you, my sympathies. You are correct that it is not always possible to gauge how someone will react in a certain situation. Even when you take reasonable precautions things can still go wrong. Humans can be more dangerous than wild animals.
...So, it's very naive to think that there is something you can do to prevent this. I don't think you can, unless you stop dating all together. The only thing you can do is date smart and if the guy turns out to be psycho document everything. Hopefully, the guy will begin to think you're not worth the effort. Since you've documented everything with the police, should you have to use your gun you will at least have a chance in court. But either way, there was really nothing you could've done (short of not meeting him) that can prevent this. That's why they're called victims, they did nothing to bring this on themselves. Fortunately, most of us will never have to deal with this.
Get a "carry permit" - learn to shoot, get a gun and be ready to use it to defend your life. Short of spending several years learning unarmed self-defense it's your best bet in a situation like this.
The problem at this point usually becomes the victim's natural reticence to take a life. THAT I feel is where the true victim psychology lies - they aren't capable of responding to a threat with force because they're "good people".
Get a "carry permit" - learn to shoot, get a gun and be ready to use it to defend your life. Short of spending several years learning unarmed self-defense it's your best bet in a situation like this.
The problem at this point usually becomes the victim's natural reticence to take a life. THAT I feel is where the true victim psychology lies - they aren't capable of responding to a threat with force because they're "good people".
This sounds perfect! The only problem is there are MANY states (including mine) that don't allow you to carry. Every state that does has certain areas that you are not allowed to carry (like in the city &/or certain buildings).
I also agree that there are people that are "good" and would not be able to protect themselves, even if they had every reason to.
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