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I have tried having a polite "this isn't working out" conversation with him. He pretends he hasn't heard anything I've said. I would have to be very literally rude (like ghetto rude), which isn't my nature, to make it clear. And then, I have to deal with him getting angry and possibly physical or trying to get even. The only other option is to change my telephone number and call the cops if he shows up uninvited to my house.
His other ploy is to wait a few days, weeks or months and then just call or show up at church making nice like nothing happened.
I have tried having a polite "this isn't working out" conversation with him. He pretends he hasn't heard anything I've said. I would have to be very literally rude (like ghetto rude), which isn't my nature, to make it clear. And then, I have to deal with him getting angry and possibly physical or trying to get even. The only other option is to change my telephone number and call the cops if he shows up uninvited to my house.
His other ploy is to wait a few days, weeks or months and then just call or show up at church making nice like nothing happened.
"This isn't working out" isn't a break-up, its only a hint. Tell him, "I am breaking up with you, its over, never contact me again." If he calls weeks or months later as though nothing happened, and you talk to him, that's on you.
People can change but rarely do, even when they are motivated. Our brains are hard wired early in life based on our experiences and the things we learn. This hard wiring provides the structure of our brains and, thus, dictates our personalities, behaviors, beliefs and emotional responses. These are set at an early age, and unlearning them is extremely difficult, which is why although people may want to change, few actually do.
The man you refer to has, obviously, not had his brain hard wired in a positive way. He is very immature and has never learned responsibility and impulse control, as evidenced by your description: chronic unemployment; smoking weed all day; physical violence; using women; wrecking cars; etc.
He does not possess the necessary neural foundation to handle his life with good judgment. He has been wired to be lazy, dependent and a user. Furthermore, your description of him sounds like he is probably a narcissist.
Thus,
Can people change? Yes.
How often does this happen? Seldom.
Should you expect it? No, especially when there may be a personality disorder involved.
Forget this loser and move on with your life. At 41 years old, he will most likely continue in the same way.
"This isn't working out" isn't a break-up, its only a hint. Tell him, "I am breaking up with you, its over, never contact me again." If he calls weeks or months later as though nothing happened, and you talk to him, that's on you.
Yes, I agree. You need to be strong-willed about it. We understand it's not easy, but you can make a consious decision to end it and stick with it.
I have tried having a polite "this isn't working out" conversation with him. He pretends he hasn't heard anything I've said. I would have to be very literally rude (like ghetto rude), which isn't my nature, to make it clear. And then, I have to deal with him getting angry and possibly physical or trying to get even. The only other option is to change my telephone number and call the cops if he shows up uninvited to my house.
His other ploy is to wait a few days, weeks or months and then just call or show up at church making nice like nothing happened.
He knows that you will continue to take him back no matter how badly he treats you. You have shown him that time and time again. You have to make up your mind what you want and then stick with it.
No, you cannot change him. You are afraid he will change for some other woman and suddenly be the man you wanted all along. First off, that's highly unlikely. Second off, even if he did? He did it for her, not for you. There's nothing stopping him from changing right now for you, except that he doesn't want to. He doesn't value you. He treats you like dirt.
So, you are correct that the person who needs changing in this equation is you. He is clearly content just the way he is. If you like things the way they are? Then keep doing what you're doing. You can look forward to more of this for years to come, or at least until your money dries up. If you are tired of being treated like trash, then stop enabling him and putting up with his behaviors. Quit making excuses like "He refuses to go away. I can't shake him off." You know that isn't true. You let him back in. You talk to him. Lock the door. Don't pick up the phone. Don't give him money. Block his email. Stand firm. He'll go away eventually.
Yes, I agree. You need to be strong-willed about it. We understand it's not easy, but you can make a consious decision to end it and stick with it.
Yes. And slacker-users in particular need a firm hand when it comes to a break up. If they see an opening to leech for a mere one more day, they will take it. That is how a guy like this survives, using people is his full time job. And with any job, people have tobe fired to get them to leave.
I will handle it and move on. It's time. I'm tired and I want to make some progress in other areas. It's strange how easy it is for me to be assertive and confident about 'things' - but I've never been this way about people.
And btw... I have a friend who is a therapist who came to the sociopath/narcissist conclusion about him as well. Again - not that it matters -- because I am the one who has to put the period at the end of the sentence and close the chapter.
I have tried having a polite "this isn't working out" conversation with him. He pretends he hasn't heard anything I've said. I would have to be very literally rude (like ghetto rude), which isn't my nature, to make it clear. And then, I have to deal with him getting angry and possibly physical or trying to get even. The only other option is to change my telephone number and call the cops if he shows up uninvited to my house.
His other ploy is to wait a few days, weeks or months and then just call or show up at church making nice like nothing happened.
If he tries to contact you in the future, don't even pick up the phone, or as you said, change your phone number. Do not respond to his emails or text messages. Just refuse to talk to him if he comes looking for you. If he persists, get a restraining order.
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