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My SIL sent my husband an email in Feb. about planning a summer birthday party for their mother. Within a few days my husband responded by email offering to help, saying that we would be there and that there were two weekends over the summer when we are not available because of a work thing for him and a trip to my family's. In March he repeated these two weekends in an email and asked when she was planning the event. (it is before MIL's actual b-day as that is shortly after school starts). The first week of April, he sent her another email, again repeated the dates, and asked what was going on with the planning. None of these emails were responded to by SIL.
Last week he sent another email and asked her to call at her earliest convenience that he needed to know the date. She finally responded yesterday and has already booked a venue for this party and flights for her family. The party will be on the weekend of my husband's work event! One of only two weekends that we cannot be there!
I am so mad and so fed up. The first time the siblings tried to plan something for their grandmother (a few years back). They planned it only for the "family". My husband went only because I forced him and told her that his wife and children were also a part of the "family". Big stink over that but we moved on.
Now this. My husband is torn as to what to do. It is his mother. He wants to be there but is also obligated to go on this work weekend. What would you do if this was your SIL? Would you go? Would you say something? Would you just stay out of it?
Something is not right there. There's still sibling rivalry between them as far as your SIL is involved. She hasn't matured yet even at her age. It's a hard one but I think I would let his mother know what the SIL did and how your husband and his family can't come because of work obligations. I would suggest a get together for a week-end and do something with her and the FIL and leave the SIL out of it.
If it's not a surprise party, your husband could go the weekend before the party and spend some nice time with his parents and apologize for not being able to be there the following weekend. If it is a surprise, he could plan a visit for the weekend after and do the same thing. If his mom asks, he can just say, "Yeah, I'm not sure why she planned it on X weekend because I told her I couldn't go, but the important thing is getting to spend some time with you."
No need for anyone to blab about your SIL to her parents. That's only going to upset them and mess up everyone's visit.
If it's not a surprise party, your husband could go the weekend before the party and spend some nice time with his parents and apologize for not being able to be there the following weekend. If it is a surprise, he could plan a visit for the weekend after and do the same thing. If his mom asks, he can just say, "Yeah, I'm not sure why she planned it on X weekend because I told her I couldn't go, but the important thing is getting to spend some time with you."
No need for anyone to blab about your SIL to her parents. That's only going to upset them and mess up everyone's visit.
It is a surprise (I should have said that). My husband wants to just wait until its all over and then send a letter to his sister telling her that he no longer wishes any contact. He has made a copy of all emails and will send them in the letter.
He is trying to decide if he should skip the work function (we could but he will be the only manager not attending. He won't lose his job per se but it won't look good to miss it.) Or skip the family thing, go to the work event, and go see his mother another time. I might also add that my BIL does not have children. (he can come anytime) My SIL has 3 and will fly to the event. We have 3 and will have to drive 11 hours. In other words, it's a level playing field as far as responsiblities go. We have two jobs and three kids, so does she. Yet she seems to think the only person with a life is herself.
I will also add that the last family get together (2 summers ago) she stays in Mom's house while we have to get a hotel. This time will be the same eventhough we have to travel too. It really adds to the expense for us. We have to save by driving 11 hours instead of flying. She and her husband both make well over 6 figures and can easily afford the hotel.
It is a surprise (I should have said that). My husband wants to just wait until its all over and then send a letter to his sister telling her that he no longer wishes any contact. He has made a copy of all emails and will send them in the letter.
He is trying to decide if he should skip the work function (we could but he will be the only manager not attending. He won't lose his job per se but it won't look good to miss it.) Or skip the family thing, go to the work event, and go see his mother another time. I might also add that my BIL does not have children. (he can come anytime) My SIL has 3 and will fly to the event. We have 3 and will have to drive 11 hours. In other words, it's a level playing field as far as responsiblities go. We have two jobs and three kids, so does she. Yet she seems to think the only person with a life is herself.
I will also add that the last family get together (2 summers ago) she stays in Mom's house while we have to get a hotel. This time will be the same eventhough we have to travel too. It really adds to the expense for us. We have to save by driving 11 hours instead of flying. She and her husband both make well over 6 figures and can easily afford the hotel.
I see the unfairness of the situation and of course your husband is free to cut off contact if that's what he wants to do, but I'd just try to avoid doing things that would upset his parents. Also, since he's so PO'd at his sister, he'll probably have a much better visit with his parents if he goes when his sister isn't there.
Your SIL is obviously going to do what she wants to do so there's not much you can do about that. To me, it looks like the best thing you can do is minimize contact with the sister and maximize the pleasure of whatever visit you have with your inlaws.
My SIL sent my husband an email in Feb. about planning a summer birthday party for their mother. Within a few days my husband responded by email offering to help, saying that we would be there and that there were two weekends over the summer when we are not available because of a work thing for him and a trip to my family's. In March he repeated these two weekends in an email and asked when she was planning the event. (it is before MIL's actual b-day as that is shortly after school starts). The first week of April, he sent her another email, again repeated the dates, and asked what was going on with the planning. None of these emails were responded to by SIL.
Last week he sent another email and asked her to call at her earliest convenience that he needed to know the date. She finally responded yesterday and has already booked a venue for this party and flights for her family. The party will be on the weekend of my husband's work event! One of only two weekends that we cannot be there!
I am so mad and so fed up. The first time the siblings tried to plan something for their grandmother (a few years back). They planned it only for the "family". My husband went only because I forced him and told her that his wife and children were also a part of the "family". Big stink over that but we moved on.
Now this. My husband is torn as to what to do. It is his mother. He wants to be there but is also obligated to go on this work weekend. What would you do if this was your SIL? Would you go? Would you say something? Would you just stay out of it?
Surprise, my buns
I'd call momma and tell her about it. Sonny-mommy discussion.
Then skip the party.
Then take my whole family to spend time with mom some time.
Ha, that sounds like what happens all the time to my husband by his sisters! They are very selfish and it bugs me a lot! We hardly talk to them because of stuff like this. Something similar happened similar to this just this past November and we are done with it. We just call the parents and that's it.
As for what to do, Marlow had a good suggestion.
It is a surprise (I should have said that). My husband wants to just wait until its all over and then send a letter to his sister telling her that he no longer wishes any contact. He has made a copy of all emails and will send them in the letter.
He is trying to decide if he should skip the work function (we could but he will be the only manager not attending. He won't lose his job per se but it won't look good to miss it.) Or skip the family thing, go to the work event, and go see his mother another time. I might also add that my BIL does not have children. (he can come anytime) My SIL has 3 and will fly to the event. We have 3 and will have to drive 11 hours. In other words, it's a level playing field as far as responsiblities go. We have two jobs and three kids, so does she. Yet she seems to think the only person with a life is herself.
I will also add that the last family get together (2 summers ago) she stays in Mom's house while we have to get a hotel. This time will be the same eventhough we have to travel too. It really adds to the expense for us. We have to save by driving 11 hours instead of flying. She and her husband both make well over 6 figures and can easily afford the hotel.
Well, at least you were included in the summer "get together"; we were not even invited. We accidentally found out about it on a Christmas that they all had gone somewhere together. We are so done.
Still no decision from my husband. He says he wants to let it cool off before he makes a decision. Probably a good thing as he is very upset over this.
My thoughts...after a few days to mull it over, is that his sister is never going to stop this kind of behavior. Even if my husband says something to his mother, she will more than likely take his sister's side. (the apple has not fallen far from the tree). My SIL has always been the obvious favorite in his mother' eyes. Mom has been a little better since surviving cancer last year, but things were often strained between all of us and my other SIL (married to my BIL) goes through the same crap. I guess my husband just wants to be close to his family and so he keeps putting up with this stuff in an attempt to get along. Kind of understandable and admirable.
Oh, and just for clarification. FIL passed away before we were married. Mom lives with Grandma who is quite elderly. If FIL were alive I would have suggested calling him and telling him what SIL is pulling. Too bad
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