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Old 05-03-2011, 10:46 AM
 
5,139 posts, read 8,830,255 times
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Need opinions on loyalty in friendships. Here is my situation. I am very close friends with an elderly neighbor of mine (neighbor #1) and recently helped her thru the death of her husband, and a "hi, how are you, stop and chat once in a while" type relationship with another elderly neighbor (neighbor #2). I won't go into all the details but got into a very bad situation with the acquaintance neighbor #2 and she said things to me and put them in a letter that were so heinous, I can't even go into it.

Of course, I was very upset and talked about this with my close neighbor #1, who is much more friendly with neighbor #2. She was shocked as well about what happened, I told her I didn't want all this to affect her relationship with neighbor #2 but she confirmed our close friendship and said it would taint how she viewed her in the future.

Neighbor #2 was moving out anyway and her last day was Sunday. On Sunday I was going to my car and saw my close friend hugging her and giving her a kiss on the cheek, probably saying good-byes. I wish I hadn't seen it. I felt betrayed, I mean, it's OK to say good-bye to someone, but the warm affection she displayed had to give neighbor #2 the impression that what she did to me was OK, no harm in their friendship at all. Of course I can't dictate to her how to handle her friendships, and I don't want this to affect my friendship but right now I'm feeling doubly wounded and disrespected. Quite honestly, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would never have talked to the person again. Need helpful advise, because although I would never say anything to her about it, I don't want it to cast a shadow over a very good friendship.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:50 AM
 
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You can't control your friendships. Neighbor #2 did something to YOU not neighbor #1. Neighbor #1 doesn't want to get involved in what happened between you and #2. Loyalty is not controlling someone and having them all to yourself.

Continue being friends with #1 and let it go about what happened with #2.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
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Exactly. That was perfectly said, nothing to add.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn View Post
Need opinions on loyalty in friendships. Here is my situation. I am very close friends with an elderly neighbor of mine (neighbor #1) and recently helped her thru the death of her husband, and a "hi, how are you, stop and chat once in a while" type relationship with another elderly neighbor (neighbor #2). I won't go into all the details but got into a very bad situation with the acquaintance neighbor #2 and she said things to me and put them in a letter that were so heinous, I can't even go into it.

Of course, I was very upset and talked about this with my close neighbor #1, who is much more friendly with neighbor #2. She was shocked as well about what happened, I told her I didn't want all this to affect her relationship with neighbor #2 but she confirmed our close friendship and said it would taint how she viewed her in the future.

Neighbor #2 was moving out anyway and her last day was Sunday. On Sunday I was going to my car and saw my close friend hugging her and giving her a kiss on the cheek, probably saying good-byes. I wish I hadn't seen it. I felt betrayed, I mean, it's OK to say good-bye to someone, but the warm affection she displayed had to give neighbor #2 the impression that what she did to me was OK, no harm in their friendship at all. Of course I can't dictate to her how to handle her friendships, and I don't want this to affect my friendship but right now I'm feeling doubly wounded and disrespected. Quite honestly, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would never have talked to the person again. Need helpful advise, because although I would never say anything to her about it, I don't want it to cast a shadow over a very good friendship.

You are letting your emotions and hurt feelings cloud your judgement.

Neighbor #1 already had a good relationship with #2.

She had the right to honor that relationship by giving her a warm goodbye as she was moving.

Maybe she figured she'd never see #2 again and just wanted to end things on a gracious note.

Or maybe she knows there are 3 sides to every story and she wanted to support both you and #2 by not taking sides.

Cutting people off and "never talking to them again" is immature, self serving and unChristian. Even if you aren't a Christian, maybe neighbor #1 is - just food for thought!
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
10,172 posts, read 20,744,044 times
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She was probably just being cordial to neighbor #2 seeing how she was leaving. I wouldn't read too much into the warm good-bye. Not a big deal and you shouldn't feel betrayed. While she may have agreed that the other neighbor was harsh, she was under no obligation to hold a grudge against the other neighbor, especially since you initially told her not to let it affect her relationship with her. Perhaps she just had time to think it over and felt it was taking the high road by seeing her off with a hug.
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Old 05-03-2011, 11:29 AM
 
5,139 posts, read 8,830,255 times
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Oh, believe me, I have prayed about this, forgiven "neighbor #2" as best I can right now, and I do wish her well and hope she is happy where she is going. I never wish anyone any ill will but she doesn't want me in her life and I feel the same way about her, so we can certainly respect each others wishes in that regard, no problem there. The fact that I stood up for myself in this matter was very important to me.

I agree that I just need to let go of whatever relationship my close friend has with her, that is, of course, her business and her choice. But if she brings her up in conversation, I will need to convey to her in a loving way that I don't want to talk about this neighbor, how she is doing in her new place, etc. I know she will understand, she is a very sweet person and doesn't like confrontations, so given her personality and how much her friendship means to me, that's all I can do and still honor myself.
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Old 05-03-2011, 11:39 AM
 
5,139 posts, read 8,830,255 times
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Putting aside my own personal issue discussed above, as a general question, when would you expect loyalty in a friendship? Maybe give me some examples...or should one never expect loyalty, is it a thing of the past?
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Old 05-03-2011, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn View Post
Putting aside my own personal issue discussed above, as a general question, when would you expect loyalty in a friendship? Maybe give me some examples...or should one never expect loyalty, is it a thing of the past?

Of course loyalty is not a "thing of the past".

But loyalty does not mean always agreeing with someone, or giving up your own opinions for the other person.

You show loyalty to a friend by resepecting their feelings, not trying to talk them out of them.

You show loyalty by never repeating confidences they have shared with you.

You show loyalty by keeping any negative thoughts about the friend to yourself and never sharing them with others behind their backs.
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Old 05-03-2011, 12:29 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 6,465,492 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Of course loyalty is not a "thing of the past".

But loyalty does not mean always agreeing with someone, or giving up your own opinions for the other person.

You show loyalty to a friend by resepecting their feelings, not trying to talk them out of them.

You show loyalty by never repeating confidences they have shared with you.

You show loyalty by keeping any negative thoughts about the friend to yourself and never sharing them with others behind their backs.
Agreed. ^^ Loyalty is still here and will always be with some of us.

It would be very different if #1 was talking about you to #2 or #1 was instigating between you and #2.

Just because you had a failing out with someone or don't like someone, doesn't mean your friends should feel the same way out of loyalty.
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Old 05-03-2011, 12:48 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,804,382 times
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There's no telling how long the two ladies had been friends, if they were both already living there when you moved in.

And no matter how you feel about a neighbor, it's easy to be nice to them when they're moving away and you never have to see them again. I wouldn't worry about seeing the two of them saying goodbye...it doesn't affect your friendship with #1 at all.
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