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I admire people who deal with those things and flick it off like an annoying fly off their face but I can't. I have tried and I can't.
There is only so long the dam can hold and mine is about to burst. You can keep mending the cracks for a while but at some point the water is going to gush out.
I realise it is a weakness and as mentioned am not proud of it. Nor embarrassed either mind you, I am a human being and react in a human way, emotions to me are part of my humanity.
I can understand where you are coming from. Mastering indifference can be VERY difficult (especially for those who grew up in an abusive household IMO). I have mastered appearing indifferent, but like you, the emotions are still there. I had to cut off contact with my mother because of her propensity toward physical violence, but I still interact with the rest of my family of origin. I *wish* I could cut them out of my life completely, but have instead learned ways of interacting with them that have minimal impact on me and my family. Some of them include: Never inviting them to my house. Instead I go to their houses. It's much easier to pack up and leave someone's house than to get them to leave your place. Always having an "out" during phone calls and visits. During conversations, I make sure not to talk at all about my personal life. I just let them talk, and if there is a lull in the conversation, I either say goodbye, or ask a question about them. When the personal attacks start, I respond with the most neutral responses I can muster. I refuse to defend myself or offer any explanations, because it just offers fodder for them to use against me. I ignore rude comments as much as possible. Overall I minimize interactions with these people as much as possible. I stopped seeing everyone for holidays, because it was such an unhappy experience. Instead I offer to see people on days other than the actual holiday (usually everyone is very busy so it never happens). I see no reason to invite destructive personalities into my life, and especially the lives of my husband and children. But like you mooseketeer, the emotions are there. I will sit and ruminate for awhile about all the annoying and awful things that were said or done.
I do have one question for you...and it is NOT meant to be inflammatory or judgmental. Believe me, I understand how difficult it can be to get out from under an abusive person's thumb. So here goes... In 22 years, have you ever put this situation on your husband's shoulders? It seems to me that he should have set healthier boundaries with his mother a long time ago. I understand that you need to be there for your ailing FIL now, but I must say that it was not fair of your husband to expect you to put up with his mother's bad behavior. I did the same to my husband (basically guilted him into being involved with my toxic family) in the beginning of our marriage, and it is a huge regret of mine.
Anyway, I wish you the very best. I understand that feeling of waiting for the person to meet their maker. It's an absolutely horrible feeling. If you ever need to vent - there's always C-D forum!!!
I can understand where you are coming from. Mastering indifference can be VERY difficult (especially for those who grew up in an abusive household IMO). I have mastered appearing indifferent, but like you, the emotions are still there.
Sounds like you have evolved coping strategies marmom. Well done! It is indeed difficult for a child raised in a emotional abusive pattern to break out from it. They have been attacked when they were defenseless. It is good you are able to rise above that. As to still have thoughts and feelings that are bad? Believe me that is natural. It is how you choose to react to those thoughts are what is important.
The problem with involving the husband in the battle is it can be creating a war on two fronts. Something a good General likes to avoid if possible.
Sounds like you have evolved coping strategies marmom. Well done! It is indeed difficult for a child raised in a emotional abusive pattern to break out from it. They have been attacked when they were defenseless. It is good you are able to rise above that. As to still have thoughts and feelings that are bad? Believe me that is natural. It is how you choose to react to those thoughts are what is important.
Thanks . It's definitely a work in progress (as am I).
Quote:
Originally Posted by MattB4
The problem with involving the husband in the battle is it can be creating a war on two fronts. Something a good General likes to avoid if possible.
That's an excellent point... I guess you can't really force anyone to respond a certain way in these kind of situations.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,054,732 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer
Hubby hates it as much as I do but for his Dad's sake we have to put up with it.
Have you had honest chat with your father-in-law and gone through all the things she has done to you and what a horrible person she has been to you? Is he aware of what she's really doing and turns a blind eye to it, feels helpless, or is ignorant of the situation? You shouldn't have to put up with her **** for anybody. Treat him the way you always have, but make a strong stand that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour and, if you have to, become totally emotionally detached from her. Ignore her guilt-trips or whatever, and pretend you don't see her and you don't care about her. Maybe only then will she realise what she's been doing and, we can only pray, understand. If not, at least you're beginning to sever all ties with her.
I can understand where you are coming from. Mastering indifference can be VERY difficult (especially for those who grew up in an abusive household IMO). I have mastered appearing indifferent, but like you, the emotions are still there. I had to cut off contact with my mother because of her propensity toward physical violence, but I still interact with the rest of my family of origin. I *wish* I could cut them out of my life completely, but have instead learned ways of interacting with them that have minimal impact on me and my family. Some of them include: Never inviting them to my house. Instead I go to their houses. It's much easier to pack up and leave someone's house than to get them to leave your place. Always having an "out" during phone calls and visits. During conversations, I make sure not to talk at all about my personal life. I just let them talk, and if there is a lull in the conversation, I either say goodbye, or ask a question about them. When the personal attacks start, I respond with the most neutral responses I can muster. I refuse to defend myself or offer any explanations, because it just offers fodder for them to use against me. I ignore rude comments as much as possible. Overall I minimize interactions with these people as much as possible. I stopped seeing everyone for holidays, because it was such an unhappy experience. Instead I offer to see people on days other than the actual holiday (usually everyone is very busy so it never happens). I see no reason to invite destructive personalities into my life, and especially the lives of my husband and children. But like you mooseketeer, the emotions are there. I will sit and ruminate for awhile about all the annoying and awful things that were said or done.
I do have one question for you...and it is NOT meant to be inflammatory or judgmental. Believe me, I understand how difficult it can be to get out from under an abusive person's thumb. So here goes... In 22 years, have you ever put this situation on your husband's shoulders? It seems to me that he should have set healthier boundaries with his mother a long time ago. I understand that you need to be there for your ailing FIL now, but I must say that it was not fair of your husband to expect you to put up with his mother's bad behavior. I did the same to my husband (basically guilted him into being involved with my toxic family) in the beginning of our marriage, and it is a huge regret of mine.
Anyway, I wish you the very best. I understand that feeling of waiting for the person to meet their maker. It's an absolutely horrible feeling. If you ever need to vent - there's always C-D forum!!!
Hubby has tried over and over again to raise the issue, but nothing has ever gone in with the woman. To be honest it wasn't so much of an issue until a couple of years ago when both were in good health and we only saw them briefly twice a year. Since Hubby's Dad got Parkinson's and Dementia however we have had to deal with her on a much more regular basis and it is now becoming a really stressful and upsetting issue for both of us.
My Husband has no love for his mother which has been a great comfort to me because at least we are on the same page and can both let off steam about the awful creature. His Dad was never particularily that great but at least he was more amiable in his neglect and lack of interest making it easier to put up with.
I have always ignored rude comments, slights, etc... In fact I have in all honesty been a saint about the whole thing, I have smiled politely and taken all the crap thrown at me , knowing fully well that even trying to talk about it is utterly pointless. To put it in context she will actually change the subject if you actually talk about something which is not about her. She will say something like "anyway, back to me". I have been good natured and even tempered for over two decades to someone who quite frankly I would love to see gone for good.
What was fine at twice a year is not so great when having to deal with daily phone calls about care homes and hospital treatment , their finances ( which we are having to sort out as well as she is also the laziest cow on the planet), power of attorney etc... as well as visits to the hospital ( 250 miles away) to see Hubby's Dad and now "looking forward" to visits to the care home he will be in. Basically proximity to her is poisonous to the system.
Well than kill her off. Revel in her funeral and then ignore her ghost. (I of course mean in fantasy only!!! not reality, I do not condone any physical act.)
I never said changing your thought pattern was easy. But no one else can do that for you. No therapy, no counseling, no well meaning advice from strangers can do that. Your excuse seems to be that we are not all the same therefore you must embrace your difference in not being able to cope emotionally. Poppycock! You yourself admits that you are "a high functioning, super achiever , incredibly healthy human being". Start acting like it. I do not accept any excuse you can't. You simply do not want to.
Quite frankly no offence but you are the one talking Poppycock. You know nothing about me, my health, mental or otherwise and unless you are in my shoes have not even got a clue what I can and cannot do . It's real easy to give advice and make trite comments about someone should handle something but unless you walk 5000 miles in their shoes you have not got a clue.
If you had even the vaguest of understanding of both Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Depression you would not be making such ridiculous facile statements.
And I said I WAS "a high functioning, super achiever , incredibly healthy human being" not AM. Big difference. I would give anything to be that person again and have tried to the best of my ability. It's a bloody miracle I get up in the morning and managed to do what I do on a daily basis considering how I feel.
When you live with the thoughts of suicide on a daily basis, when your body is racked in appalling pain at all times, when you can't sleep more than a couple of hours a night and when you have to deal with so much emotional baggage it is in danger of overwhelming your entire being , I think I am actually doing pretty well considering.
Of course I am sure YOU would be stronger and deal with all of this a lot better than I do and of course try harder.
Quite frankly it's people like you you make things a lot harder. "Stiff upper lip " and all that just does not work for everyone. Sorry I do not meet your criteria for what is right and that my words are utter poppycock to you.
When I say I try, I mean I try until I can no longer do it. It means I have tried my bloody hardest, done the very best I could do and dealt with things as well as I could. If that's not good enough for you then tough.
Life is a constant struggle for me, it is unrelenting. And yet I get up every morning and deal with it as best as I possibly can. I have an active life, am in a happy and successful relationship and somehow manage to function without using anyone else as a crutch. So excuse me if I am a tad p-ed off that you even presume to tell me I am not doing enough.
People like you never cease to amaze me. You have absolutely zilch understanding about people obviously. We don't all fit your neatly pre-conceived idea of what a funtioning human being is and you think it's ok to lecture us on how to deal with things ? The arrogance is staggering beyond belief. Just because I don't react like you does not mean I am somehow not trying hard enough.
You are the one in need of help if that's your level of emotional intelligence quite frankly.
People like you never cease to amaze me. You have absolutely zilch understanding about people obviously. We don't all fit your neatly pre-conceived idea of what a funtioning human being is and you think it's ok to lecture us on how to deal with things ? The arrogance is staggering beyond belief. Just because I don't react like you does not mean I am somehow not trying hard enough.
You are the one in need of help if that's your level of emotional intelligence quite frankly.
Good you are angry and you have dealt with me. See, you can do it. Anything else is dwelling on stuff. Having dealt with the annoying twit that a stranger on the Internet can be, use the same strategy to deal with your MIL. Your physical ailments have nothing to do with how she treats you and how you respond. They just make you feel like crap. Trust me, most people understand pain.
I have a great deal of sympathy for people in pain and suffering. However I have no sympathy for those intentionally inflicting it on themselves. At that point they are both the victim and the abuser. I do hope your physical health improves.
Somebody who has done something to seriously hurt or damage people I care about, I definitely feel hatred toward.
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. It's definitely a work in progress (as am I).
