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At the dinner table tonight i was asked a question that i feel at times why do they asked the question and when give the answer to the question they to not get it .
I lost my wife to cancer 16 years ago and i was asked a question why i have not remarried in all those years and when i give the person the answer they go that really is a lame answer to the question ..
She tells me because you should be able to do better than that if you put your mind to it ..
My answer was a three fold answer and i give the answer here
1-like beening able to get and go and do what i want in my life without answering to any one but myself
2-it easly to take care of myself and no one else
3-i like a couple of things in my house the way there are and leaveing the toliet seat up is one of them and sleeping in my bed and not worrying about hitting someone with my elbows or body when there in the bed with me ..
Plus i told them i have only met one women that i want to get married to in all the dateing i done over the years that i started dateing again ..
Her kids broke us up over the fact that if we got married we would have to move to another state for work because in three months after we where to get married i was up for reassignment in my line of work ..
They did everything under the sun to get there mother to stop seeing me and that soured me on dateing women with kids ..
maybe that foolish but to me it not worth the hassle to have to deal with someone kids who do not want you around and make every effort to make sure you knew it that they did not want you around there mother ..
plus i now date women who business minded and in the low range of are 35 years old to 45 years old with no kids ..Maybe that narrows my choices down in the dateing pool but i learned it better to deal with someone who is not really worrying about raiseing kids at the house ...
they told that was a set of pretty lame answer to the question of getting remarried
it a simple question for those who lost there spouse in the marriages ..do you feel that you need to get married again and if not it more about the simple truths behind the reason ...
Henry, the only thing I think is lame is that you are completely soured on anyone who has kids. Sure you had a bad experience with one woman's kids but that doesn't mean it will always be that way. Besides, it doesn't sound like they disliked you so much as that they didn't want to see their mother move away and though that's selfish for grown children, it's natural, esp if they were still fairly young adults. As for your question though, you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you choose to live your life the way you do.
Well, I haven't lost a spouse, thank God. But I do have to agree that some of your reasoning for not keeping yourself open to the possibility of remarriage are kind of "lame". Yeah, living with someone means living with some minor inconveniences like putting the toilet seat down... but most people feel that it's worth it if it means sharing your life with someone you deeply love.
I also think your views on what marriage is about are kind of off. If you find the right person, marriage isn't about "answering" to someone or having to take care of them. Even your wording of "do you feel you NEED to get married again" seems wrong to me - as though it's something one has to or should do, not something one wants to do.
And using ONE bad experience with a woman who has kids to stop dating any woman with kids sounds like a cop out - a good way to really limit your dating pool so it's even less likely you'll find someone you could see yourself marrying again.
I also think it's telling that you only use the word "dating" and not "relationship". It sounds like marriage aside, you don't even want to have a serious relationship with someone. It sounds like you were really hurt by this woman who soured you on women with kids but I think she soured you on serious relationships altogether.
I could be wrong, I don't know you, but I think it's possible the real reason you don't want to marry again is because you're scared of allowing yourself to be that close with someone only to lose them again. It happened with your wife when she died of cancer (I'm truly sorry for that) and then again with the one woman you could have seen yourself marrying if it weren't for her kids. After twice having your heart broken, first by death and then by splitting up, you sound very bitter towards the very idea of a relationship, let alone marriage. If you truly don't want to get married again, fair enough - but I think you should ask yourself what are the REAL reasons you don't want to marry again? Are you being completely honest with yourself?
Two comments. First off, no one has to get remarried. You can stay single if you want to. The reason I think your answer came off kind of lame (yes), is because it sends mixed signals if you are giving it on a date. If you are giving it to an acquaintance, no problem. But your answer is basically, "I want to do my own thing, go where I want when I want to and leave the damn toilet seat up." Fine! No problem... many guys do... but then if you're giving that answer to a woman on a date, you're giving off the impression you're an unapologetic bachelor, which then makes it seem odd that you're dating. I think it would be a turn-off for some. It also sends the signal that you devalue marriage and relationships if you wouldn't consider giving up the luxury of leaving your toilet seat as you liked it for true love. Not the message any woman wants to hear on a date.
The second thing I would point out is that no one wants to date someone with baggage. Everyone by a certain age has history... often some of it painful. But there is a difference between simply having a history and allowing that history to sour you, turning it into baggage. That's how some of your comments about women with kids, etc, come across to me.
it was not on a date and i had this talk before with the lady i'm now ..it was with friends i been around now for years and since someone is getting married .. the women of the pack are on the marraige hunt for the single guys ..
As a single guy i have allways been asked to come stag to the wedding so i can dance with the single ladys there and when i told them i seening someone that bought up the whole thing about not getting married again ..
Plus the lady and i had this talk about marriage a couple of weeks ago when she was over at my place for the weekend and she goes you right on a few things and dead wrong few other things she tells me laughing ..
she also say there truth as it beening said about beening single and liveing with another women in the house when it comes to the toliet seat and it prostion up or down and she goes it nice to know in the middle of the night it going to be in the down prostion and i will not fall in she told after spending the night at my place..
She goes i'm a bum in my sleep cloths i wear on the weekends when i have my daughter in the house and i donot leave the house intill afternoon to shop for food because i sleep in late and like it .. ..
1-like beening able to get and go and do what i want in my life without answering to any one but myself
2-it easly to take care of myself and no one else
3-i like a couple of things in my house the way there are and leaveing the toliet seat up is one of them and sleeping in my bed and not worrying about hitting someone with my elbows or body when there in the bed with me ..
It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks these are lame reasons. They're your reasons because that's the way you feel. You don't have to defend them to anyone.
it a simple question for those who lost there spouse in the marriages ..do you feel that you need to get married again and if not it more about the simple truths behind the reason ...
Well, I haven't lost a husband (THANK GOD), but if I did I'm pretty sure getting re-married would not be on my list of things to do.
Not saying it wouldn't happen eventually - just saying I cannot imagine wanting anyone else. When you've had the very best nothing else is going to live up to it, you know? So, stay single if that's what you want - no one else has a right to judge that.
As far as your wife's kids - try to remember, they knew her FIRST. They were probably just upset to be losing her to a new man, and by the physical distance your moved caused. Change like that is hard on a family.
I am sorry you lost your wife too soon
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