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Wow, just read through each and every one of your comments, some good advice, some not so good advice, and some just made me laugh grasshopper/centipede lol !!
I guess I was looking for the difinitive answer to the problem, but I can see that there are others of you out there who are also faced with being single!!
I will try the eye contact more, I know I'm not very good at that, but I feel awkward looking at someone that I really like for too long, and I don't want them thinking I'm staring at them inanely!!,
But dating is really confusing though - there have been 2 second dates in the last 3 months that I've thought were going really well, one of those she initiated holding hands walking back to the station. Both 2nd dates, we kissed at the end (passionately I thought) and so I went away feeling that she's the one !! Only to find with girl number one 1, I never heard much from her again.
and 2, got the msg after a few days about friends but no spark/chemistry.
Or am I so bad at kissing that that puts them off !!
So you noticed some IV drips, or worse, RV victims(Relational Volvulus). Get out of the hospital. What you need to do is observe a knight inHospitaller in the field who has sworn vows of debauchery, wealth and defiance.
Just look at men who are good with women.
So, tell us what you do on dates and what you talk about. I have a sneaking suspicion you're not inspiring any adrenaline rushes. Not saying you have to jump out of a plane, but I wonder if your dates lack spontaneity. Just like men, women like a little mystery, and a spontaneous suggestion or a small surprise can go a long way. It makes a woman wonder what else you have going on.
Well the last few dates I've been on, I've been to a bar or a restaurant, had a few drinks or a meal. Chatted about usual things I guess background, what we're currently doing, a bit about work. that sort of thing, nothing too exciting - not sure what the really exciting conversations are, I don't have any kind of agenda for topics or anything, but thinking maybe I should...
Please can you give some examples for a date that would be amazing or even just really good - you mention mystery, spontaneous suggestion or small surprise - what ideas have you got for that ?
Well the last few dates I've been on, I've been to a bar or a restaurant, had a few drinks or a meal. Chatted about usual things I guess background, what we're currently doing, a bit about work. that sort of thing, nothing too exciting - not sure what the really exciting conversations are, I don't have any kind of agenda for topics or anything, but thinking maybe I should...
Please can you give some examples for a date that would be amazing or even just really good - you mention mystery, spontaneous suggestion or small surprise - what ideas have you got for that ?
Do interesting things. Then you will be an interesting person.
Well the last few dates I've been on, I've been to a bar or a restaurant, had a few drinks or a meal. Chatted about usual things I guess background, what we're currently doing, a bit about work. that sort of thing, nothing too exciting - not sure what the really exciting conversations are, I don't have any kind of agenda for topics or anything, but thinking maybe I should...
Please can you give some examples for a date that would be amazing or even just really good - you mention mystery, spontaneous suggestion or small surprise - what ideas have you got for that ?
If you can get good feedback on what your dates did not like it would go a long way in correcting those issues. You are getting dates and that puts you ahead of a lot of people. You are just guessing without factual feedback though. Sounds like your doing the right things, just go on more dates until one clicks or you end up like me and become a Serial Dater.
Any topic can be intersting depending on your body language (eye contact again and flirting). I had a date last night where I talked about the same topics as you and got feedback from her friend that it was the most fun she had in recent memory-Sparkle in your eye, smile, flirt and the rest is cake!
The biggy to me is 'I always go out to have fun, period!'. I put it in my mind years ago that I am here for a very short time and I am going to enjoy myself regardless of the situation! Go out to have fun and to enjoy being with someone new and she will be at ease and feel comfortable with you (I'm not talking about falling asleep comfortable, I'm talking the 'I want to see this guy again comfortable').
Talk about what you're passionate about- a hobby maybe- music, travel, food, whatever you really enjoy. Hopefully, you can choose something unisexual that she might find interesting as well. Don't go on, for example, about a male thing like ice hockey (usually a male only interest!) if she hates it- she'll let you know by looking bored.
Then always draw her out. People like people who ask questions and are interested in them. Nothing more boring than a guy going on too long trying to impress - women see right through a braggart. Ask about her hobbies- what does she read, does she sew, garden- whatever you think would be appropriate- don't get too personal-don't make her uncomfortable.
Then always draw her out. People like people who ask questions and are interested in them.
That's a great piece of advice. One of my favorite quotes that I've stated on this forum many times (can't remember who said it):
A gossip talks to you about others.
A bore talks to you about himself.
A brilliant conversationalist talks to you about yourself.
Learn to ask insightful questions about her. If it makes her think a little, all the better. "Why do you feel you get along so well with your brother/sister" is much more interesting than "how old are they". People love to talk about themselves, so let them. If you find them an interesting person, then you might enjoy listening.
Here's one woman's perspective and maybe it will help and maybe it won't. I go to contra dance every week and have met many men but so far I haven't been all that crazy about any of them. They are mostly intelligent and good looking men and part of it is maybe that I'm not quite ready to date yet. So after several months I haven't been out with any of them though a few have tried to ask.
But there is one who is starting to gain my attention and here's why. First of all, he's not the best looking one there, though his face is pleasant and he's a bit on the nerdy side--looks like a college professor. The other night as they were teaching the dance we were to do, I was fooling around being a bit silly with my water bottle in my hand and this man looked very amused but the bottle was getting in his way, so he very nicely took the bottle out of my hand and firmly walked over and set it on the window ledge. I liked that. I know it sounds silly, but I liked his air of being in charge without being bossy or overbearing--gentle but assertive. He was not an a-hole about it in any way, but I knew that I couldn't run over him. Now, I have no idea if anything will come of this since I haven't even had a chance to sit and talk with him but I will def be paying attention. Oh yeah, and eye contact is great and he seems to be pretty interested.
Another thing that attracts me to him is that he so often seems amused by me, even when I'm not trying to be funny--I've felt that before with other men that I was extremely attracted to but have no idea if other women also like that as well as I do.
The scary thing is that he reminds me of my father an awful lot The only reason I mention that is that someone had posted an article on here a few weeks ago about how we're attracted to those with a similar facial type to our own and I take after my dad's side of the family. I don't know--could that create the chemistry? It does seem intuitively as if the opposite would be true--in order for nature to avoid the possibility of incest.
The scary thing is that he reminds me of my father an awful lot The only reason I mention that is that someone had posted an article on here a few weeks ago about how we're attracted to those with a similar facial type to our own and I take after my dad's side of the family. I don't know--could that create the chemistry?
I'm someone of average looks and got some things going for me as people have told me!! however I've never had any luck with women. Recently though I've actually managed to get some feedback and been told the usual softener "You're a really nice guy" but the clincher "but there's no spark, don't feel any chemistry".
So I'm asking what is this mysterious spark all about? What is this chemistry?
What character trates do some people have that create this spark - afterall some people are far more successful with women than others and I really am sick of being left on the shelf!! All my friends have one or two girls and then got married and have kids. I've dated loads of women, and it doesn't matter whether I like them or not. It doesn't matter if I've held hands or kissed at the end of the date. Always the next few days after the second date its the same "You're a really nice guy, but I felt no spark, there was no chemistry there".
The girls don't say anymore than that and don't tell me what this magical thing 'a spark' actually is though.
How does the chemistry feel ? What does a guy outwardly display if you feel chemistry or that spark for him as opposed to a guy you don't feel anything for? Please help with this - A big question maybe, but a helpful answer could change my life - so please help !!!!! please !!!!!!
Maybe ask her before you meet her "What creates the spark for you?"
I probably should have read some responses however that would have tainted my answer, my true opinion as to what "spark" is..
A spark in my opinion cannot be "forced" unless one is fooling themselves..
Let me elaborate...A spark is what I deem "chemistry" it is either present or it is not..
Often times "spark" has nothing to do with a physical appearance..
I have never been one to lie or sugar coat...I have always stated that I have always been attracted to the nerdy tall type..the educated man whom can sit back and be himself, have the gift of gab and confidence that is not spoken but showed from within...
He was the late bloomer, the chess nerd ( I was as well) The man whom follows the arts, loves indie flicks and can state why or why not...the versatile man whom loves music but can state why he loves a certain artist, is not ashamed to love all genres, including folk, loves the avant garde..
However I have been attracted briefly to the shorter male with an nice body, loves rock and smokes like a chimmney...
because that thing called chemistry made it possible..it did not mean that it was meant for long term it mean that I felt a spark...
There will be some that fill the so called requirments and once they open their mouths? It is like.."Oh no I cannot do this"
And their will be some that you seemingly have nothing in common with and you feel that pull...the feeling that you do not want the day to end..the 5 hours you spent with them seem like 5 days....
so sparks cannot be created as much as we would like them too because we often do tend to like some more than others and WANT so badly for this to happen but it does not...
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grasshopper/centipede lol !!
The only reason I mention that is that someone had posted an article on here a few weeks ago about how we're attracted to those with a similar facial type to our own and I take after my dad's side of the family. I don't know--could that create the chemistry? It does seem intuitively as if the opposite would be true--in order for nature to avoid the possibility of incest.
