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A good friend of my parents lost his wife after a long battle with cancer, and he remarried about a year later. At first glance it may seem cold, but he wasn't "glad" that his wife had died, it was more relief (for her and for him, as well.) He had a long time to deal with the idea that his wife was dying while she was dying, and once she was gone, he felt as if a burden had been lifted and he didn't want to be alone.
At the end of my wife life it was like a person who was full of life and then watch them go from full of life to a person who looked so bad that she did not want any pictures of her after she her pictures of the last Xmas that we had togerther ..
i understand it and it does get to a point at the end that you want it over and get it done because of how much it drains you from everything from feeling of love then to relief that she has passed and no longer in pain..
Everyone copes with loss in different ways. Some have all sorts of memories and feelings and need to process those. Others are able to look forward rather quickly. Either way is acceptable. And this is with the assumption of a happy, healthy, and loving marriage.
Honestly I don't think one gets over a loss like that completely.
There is nothing wrong with remarrying and moving on. We are still very much alive.
Well, we were still married but has broken up because of his addictions but we remained close. He unexpectedly died from his addiction while we were apart.
Well, we were still married but has broken up because of his addictions but we remained close. He unexpectedly died from his addiction while we were apart.
My mom's been widowed five years now and she is not moving on yet. We spoke to her about it and she said she prefers it this way. Maybe it's cultural.
But one year is just nuts.
Eventually it comes down to a cuddling partner Dudes have needs I guess. And it's the men who accelerate it faster, I know more single widows in real life than widowers, what does that tell us. I encourage widow remarriage and the ones I witnessed, they healed for several years. There has to be a sizeable "mourning" process or else it gives credibility to the person in the other thread.
I am not sure, maybe men are scared/depressed to be alone. I don't know.
Antlered, no one person can judge what is too quickly for another person, as every situation and marriage is different.
Suppose a spouse was sick and dying for years. You need to understand that when that happens the healthy spouse has a very long time to do their grieving. By the time the actual death happens it is usually a blessing because watching someone you love suffer every day for so long is torture. And the grief has been there for so long already that it's emotionally healthy for the surviving spouse to move on with their lives soon after the death, especially if there are young children involved.
Only in the case of very suuden unexpected death would I caution anyone to let at least a year go by before jumping into a new relationship. That's because with an unexpected death you experience a level of shock that can take months and months to wear off. Making good decision while you are still in shock can be next to impossible.
And you should also know, researchers say that those who remarry after the death of a spouse are most likely to have had good marriages, so it's not a slight against the deceased in any way to want to marry again. It's more like saying, marriage is a beautiful thing that I want to have again in my life.
I lost my beloved wife at age 50, 15 years ago this month. She died suddenly and without warning when a blood vessel burst in her brain. While we had only been together for 3.5 years, we shared our thoughts continually -- "what would you do if...?" etc. One was about dying. She had told me that if she were to die, she hoped I'd find someone else quickly who I could love as completely as I did her. I hoped she could do the same if it was me that died, but I doubted I could ever be in another relationship. We shared a very rare and special love.
I was totally lost when she died. I went from the happiest man on Earth to the unhappiest in a heartbeat. I wanted to go with her, but as that wasn't an option for me, I wanted to love and be loved again. I wasn't sure that was possible either, but I tried. And I tried to run from the pain. I traveled for most of a year, just coming home to touch base as I crisscrossed the continent again and again, from the east coast to the west, from Texas to Alaska, stopping to visit friends and finding new ones.
And I dated. I became the merry widower, but I was far from merry in my heart. I actually started dating less that two months after my wife's death. It was a bit awkward for me, and it wasn't the best deal for the women who I dated either. In retrospect, I think it would have been better for all if I'd have waited for at least a year or two, but on the other hand, I'm not sure I could have made it through that period without it. I'm sure that the love and happiness I had in my marriage had a big influence on me wanting to date quickly -- to recapture at least some of what I'd lost.
To those who have never experienced the death of a loving spouse, you have no idea what you're talking about so don't make any assumptions as to what you would do. You won't know that until/unless it happens. And you have no right to judge.
To those who have experienced it or will, I suggest that you try anything to cope that's not too permanent. Don't kill yourself; don't spend your life savings; don't quit your job or close your business, and try not to get into a serious relationship that could hurt both you and the other person when you come to your senses. You aren't likely to be thinking clearly for awhile, so be very careful about additional changes that affect your future. The direction of your life will be on a different path, but try to maintain your values and steer in the same direction until you get through the fog. Then write up a strategic course of action that you can modify along the way.
I'd recommend talking to a therapist/grief counselor -- frankly. I talked to one briefly, but I never opened up. "I'm doing okay." That's always been me. I've never figured I needed anyone's help, but this was one instance when a little guidance might have gone a long way.
I did meet someone about two years after my late wife's death, and she moved in with me a year later. We'll celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary this summer.
Generally, if the marriage was healthy and the survivor is young, two years before venturing out on a date is probably a good rule of thumb, mainly because that's about how long the cycle of grief and healing takes.
Older folks don't have that kind of time, though, and I couldn't begrudge a 75-year-old for seeking companionship more quickly than that.
BUT--and there's always a "but"-- I think older men and women approach it differently. I can only tell you what my mother's friends used to say, and what I've seen volunteering at old folks' homes: The men want new partners more than women, particularly among those who are of the WWII or Lost generations. They want a woman to "take care of" them, while the women, many (if not most) of whom were SAHMs and caregivers their whole lives, just want some time to themselves in the sunset of their lives without worrying about "taking care of" a grown man. They're done with cooking, cleaning and keeping house, and the only people they would want to take care of would be their young grandchildren, by babysitting.
Of course, some women feel lost without having someone to take care of, but I've noticed even among women in their 50s that once a husband has departed or they've gotten divorced, they simply can't be arsed, to put it bluntly. It's not rooted in anger or dislike of men as much as feeling that they've been giving of themselves their whole lives, and putting their families first their whole lives, and now they just want to be independent and do their own thing, especially if they married young. "Now it's time for ME," they say. If they seek a partner, it's not for remarriage or sharing a home. It's for dating and companionship.
I can speak from my own experience after loosing my DH after 20 years together. I don't agree at all AC that you should wait 5 years. Everyone grieves differently. My DH was ill and we both knew he wouldn't live to be 80 but did not expect him to die at 52. He was my love and my best friend. I was determined to move on and after going to a grief session at hospice I knew I didn't want to be sitting around 10 years later still crying. I joined an online grief group and they helped me by understanding my pain.
I dated probably 6 months afterwards in fact he was a widower. I realized that I needed to find me.. We dated for almost a year usually dinner and a movie.
I have dated lots in the last 8 years some a few months others just once.
I met one man who's wife had died the week before we went out. Now that is a little too soon if you ask me.
I have a friend whose husband died around the same time as mine. She started dating someone they were friends with and they got married with in a year.
Really to be honest no one can tell you when it is right for you. Only you know when that time is right. People will tell you ' you need to move on' but how would they know when they have never walked in my shoes.
I am older than most of you now and am happy with my life. I would like to have someone to share my life with but I don't want anyone telling me I need to do this or that and it seems that too many want to do just that.
... I've noticed even among women in their 50s that once a husband has departed or they've gotten divorced, they simply can't be arsed, to put it bluntly. It's not rooted in anger or dislike of men as much as feeling that they've been giving of themselves their whole lives, and putting their families first their whole lives, and now they just want to be independent and do their own thing, especially if they married young. "Now it's time for ME," they say. If they seek a partner, it's not for remarriage or sharing a home. It's for dating and companionship.
As I read that and how it relates to the women I dated, most of whom were in their late 40s or early 50s, I must wonder if some of what you're hearing isn't "woman talk" -- kind of like the half-truth b.s. that many men spout when talking to their buddies. I probably dated 15 different women, and I can only recall one who didn't eventually admit that she was hoping to marry. Even my current wife told me in the beginning that she didn't want to remarry, as did my late wife when I first met her. And my ex, when I divorced her, said she was never going to remarry. It took her less than a year and she was married again.
It sounds a whole lot better than, "I want to get married again but I doubt anyone decent will have me." Hook them up with an eligible and willing bachelor and watch them race to the alter.
A friend of my husband's married his late wife's hospice nurse about 3 months after she died. He's the only widower I know who moved on. My dad never even dated after mom died.
I just saw the other thread. That person has a point though. I have seen some widowers/widows move on at reckless pace I'm talking months here
It almost felt like they were glad that spouse got eliminated or something.
There has to be a four or five year mourning process, otherwise it looks bizarre and out of place to the world outside. A man met my father and gave out wedding invites...... and his wife died like a few months ago. My father just chuckled and said, "well...."
He never proceeded to say anything but I bet he was taken aback. So much for the vows.
Well, at least he didn't take up with his wife's sister, which is what my friend's step father did for four years following his wife's death. Simply unforgivable IMHO. He is remarried and gave his new wife his dead wife's ring.
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Dudes have needs I guess. And it's the men who accelerate it faster, I know more single widows in real life than widowers, what does that tell us. I encourage widow remarriage and the ones I witnessed, they healed for several years. There has to be a sizeable "mourning" process or else it gives credibility to the person in the other thread.
