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We've heard a lot about how being desperate is bad when it comes to dating. And at times desperate people have been villified heavily for it. So now it's time to offer up some solutions. What advice would you give to a man or women who is desperate to find someone.
After all, it wouldn't be fair to criticize without offering some solutions.
Fine. The thing is there are people who have families, friendships, etc. and have pretty fulfilling life actually, but just can't breathe without a relationship. That's where these problems come from. Well, and not thinking enough of themselves, too.
.... What advice would you give to a man or women who is desperate to find someone.
...
My advice to all the desperate, lonely, rich women out there is to call my phone number 555-555-5555 at anytime. I will happily provide solutions for their desperation.
Desperate men? I think that is what they invented the Internet for.
If you are desperate and I have been "desperate" in the past before... this is what worked for me... me and a friend would go out to the university, the mall, the streets, everywhere and talk to EVERY attractive girl we met... and the weird thing is we got a lot of phone numbers too... hehehe... those old crazy days... we did it because it we didn't have anything else to do and I said let's just go be stupid and talk to complete strangers... hehehe... it works...
You have to stop being desperate to find someone. Why are you desperate for someone?
I would say take a one year sabatical to stop dating or looking or anything related to dating. Until you completely remove the possibility, you'll still be desperate.
There are plenty of great things about being single, learn to enjoy them.
What if sex is my hobby while "single and desperate" though? Serious question. I work hard, I honor my parents, I pay may taxes. Then I go home and I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use recreational drugs. I really enjoy sex though. It's very fun and a "social" activity Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies right? I'm not about to start scrapbooking just because I'm lonely now...Nah, we have to be graceful at not attaining a relationship worth our expectations (sore losers = desperate) but we can't rub our freedom on the happy couples either. gimme a break.
As to the great things about being single. We gotta be careful with that one. The great things about being single are things that condition you to become fundamentally incompatible with the emotional "give and take" that is required to sustain a relationship with another human being in the first place. Very much mutually exclusive of an agenda. It's not this free willy switch on/switch off thing you just live up until the "right one" falls on your lap because you weren't looking. I hear that a lot from the post feminist under 30 female crowd. "I party it up, I hook up with guys until I find the one, Im in control, I can turn it off when the right one comes around..."...bullllchiat. Notwithstanding the fact these guys don't want to have a relationship with the __dumpster, said behavior is hard to appease once it's fed.
Since my divorce I've grown quite comfortable in my economic freedoms, no longer having the fear of somebody stealing the soup from my mouth just because "she doesn't love me anymore", being able to recreational bang whoever you felt like that night etc etc. These are things that can be enjoyed, but comes at a cost. I wouldn't necessarily go suggesting to someone who is yearning for a partnered life to go ahead and embrace the qualities that make single life convenient. It's like telling a recovering drug addict: "go ahead and pop a couple pills, rehabilitation will FIND YOU". Gimme a break! Granted the example is not perfect, Im in no way suggesting being single is a disease that needs curing, but it certainly is not the end state many of these people are searching for. So I think it's not as simpleton as saying: 'what are you complaining about? single life is cost-less and open-ended'
As to defining your happiness independent of another person? That I can agree with. But let's recall that this is a very hard thing to do. You remove the partner from these happy couples' lives and these people would be rocked silly, because being content as a human being in lonesomeness is an outlier quality. Anthropologically speaking we are monkeys, not felines. The point certainly stands though, the ultimate measure of self-reliance is the ability to function socially in complete solitude. The majority are simply too weak to attain this. So crappy relationships of convenience abound...
'Desperate' really pertains to things we aren't able to attain. Nobody's ever desperate for something they can attain but don't want. So there's a misnomer behind the idea of desperation in relationships. It could be that what we want is something we can't attain for one reason or another, but it doesn't imply desperate people are completely out in terms of attaining ANY level of companionship. Some people would be so simpleton as to suggest said person should go ahead and settle and attain whatever level of companionship they can attain, as a solution to said problem. I don't think that is sensible advice. I still think "learn to be happy alone" is much better advice. It's just so difficult to attain, especially when you add the social pressures of a species that again, can be more accurately described by the behavior of monkeys, than that of felines.
Ultimately the attainment of happiness in solitude has to arise from the acceptance that you may spend the rest of your days watching other people be happy in relationships. Like a solider storming Normandy. The only way to survive is to accept you're already dead, at which point living didn't detract you from doing your job. The majority of people are simply never ready to accept that. I admit I'm not quite prepared to accept that yet, though the passage of time is working its magic towards cementing that fate.
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