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I goofed and posted this on the wrong forum earlier, so hopefully, this gets some more member ideas for me.
My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and have been separated off and on 3 different times over his alcohol abuse turning to emotional and physical abuse. Every time he sobers up he pulls the religion angle and says he just needs God and me and that everything will be okay as long as he leaves the booze alone. But, the bitterness runs so deep! He thinks that as soon as he shows signs of straightening up, that he should be allowed to give me ultimatums for how I spend my free time.
Granted, he has a lot to worry about. A couple of years ago I went out for dinner with some co-workers when my husband and I were separated. The dinner ended up later as a sexual interlude between me and this particular co-worker. I felt so guilty about the whole thing, I felt the need to divulge this episode to my husband before we started over from scratch. So, now, he feels he cannot trust me. I feel I don't want to please him, and round and round we go. The bitterness runs deep on both sides. We tried marriage counselling once, but it turned into a big gripe session between the counsellor and my husband about what a cheating jerk I was to disregard our vows. I fully take responsible for my actions and have profusely apologized, however, I can't get over the continual barage of emotional and physical abuse I endure over it at home. It makes it so when he gives me requests of my free time that I want to do anything but what he asks!!!! It feels like being in high school all over again with people dictating your life, but at least then, I knew my folks loved me!!! I really doubt that my needs are an important part of the equation in our marriage.
If you have a big splinter sticking out of your finger do you post to the medical forum as to what to do?
The guy is an alcoholic. No cure is going to happen if he doesn't get professional help. Also he was emotionally and physically abusing her before the cheating.
She cheated while they were separated even though they were still married but they were separated. Not the same as if they were still together.
Unfortunately, now that he knows she cheated, he will never let her forget it and will throw it in her face at every chance he can. Another mental and emotional abuse issue on his part.
I think for both of them, the hurts are too great to forgive and forget. Her for his drinking and abuses and him for her cheating. It's a lose/lose situation with them and they need to go their own way.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner.
The guy is an alcoholic The guy is an alcoholic The guy is an alcoholic The guy is an alcoholic The guy is an alcoholic The guy is an alcoholic The guy is an alcoholic
Stop making the mistake of separating what he does when he is drunk from what he does when he is sober. An alcoholic has issues that go far deeper than just how much alcohol he has consumed at a given moment.
Here's a place where you will find a lot of people who will get it better than most on this forum, because they are living or have lived your life.
Good luck. Please note that this isn't about how to help HIM--it's about you. Even if you divorce him, the fact that you put up with this crap for so long demonstrates that you have issues you may repeat in a future relationship.
As to your original question, I don't have an answer. I divorced my alkie husband ten years ago, and sometimes I still hate him.
It sounds to me like his ego screamed "I want a divorce!". You told him you thought it was over and he wanted to beat you to the punch. My guess is that he will not handle this well and you really should take measures to protect yourself, since he has no problem putting his hands on you.
I am curious, as I didn't read the entire thread. What were the terms of your separation? Was it going to lead to divorce or were you on a time out? The answer won't change how I see things, but it would be good to know.
Whatever the terms were, I think the cheating was an unfortunate result of the situation you were in. But he (and perhaps you as well) fails to recognize that abusing his spouse is also a betrayal of your vows. It never ceases to amaze me how people will villify you for "cheating" during a separation resulting from his abuse and alcoholism. As if he deserves any better. You don't owe him any guilt or shame. If, after 3 separations, he couldn't manage to live up to HIS vows, he should almost expect this to happen. And suck it up.
Now, should there have been 3 separations? No. But I also know it is not easy to walk away from abusive situations, for various reasons. I think you should consider staying away from relationships for a while, work on enjoying your own company. Once you do, you will never be lonely. And you will expect more from the men you choose.
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